[cricket]

perfect tonight i think you've got a good feel for rhythm. i feel like there are some accessibility issues, though. i know poems aren't going to spell everything out, nor should they, but i think if you pin your meanings too far out there, the resonance fairy takes your tooth and forgets to leave you any money for it. you know?

[sokkar]

okay, i'll post some of what i wrote for class. i don't know if i really like these though.

the first topic was to write a poem that's all sound - pick words for the sounds rather than meaning.

Housing showers of sounds and shallow
waves and quakes, sends shivers quivering
down without an ounce an inch –
the groves grow hope aloud.

In sun-drenched rows a lush
and loutish crown abates –
to immolate, subjugate, plated
in copper-coated plaster, deflated.

Supplicant to a howling heartbeat –
Calypso shakes in her pearly grave.


the second topic was to write a poem about a color.

The marriage of the sea
with the brightest burning fire, or
a union of steadfast mourning
cloaked in shimmering sapphire
with anger, and lust –

survived in patriotic rhetoric
passed down through royal bloodlines
mined for blood and set in rings
spouts outward in neon signs
and springs of iris.


and the third was to write a poem that mixes the senses.

Tumbling out from his mouth
his words fall, dead
All consonants and no vowels
I could pick up a letter,
discern a meaning,
but the din when his hand startled my arm
deafened my ears
and sent a glacier rolling through my veins
Starting for the door, he
hesitates then leaves me there to clean out his sound.


so there you are. pick apart, make fun of, neg rep, etc.

[petals]

i like your sound sonnet, sokkar.

[PerfectTonight]

I normaly HATE HATE HATE end-line rhyme, but this poem was so fun to write...it felt OH SO GOOD! The ultimate F-you poem...


The Farce is Over

Another tree fell,
But didn't make a sound.
I choked and soft-pedaled,
So you wouldn't be found.

I've kept my mouth banished,
So get off your damn knees.
It's your conundrum, buddy,
I didn't give you that disease.

So what's up with your vexing?
Don't antagonize me.
Please shut the fuck up,
My damn ears are ringing.

I left it up to you,
Trust me, I won't tell her. But,
You're still acting dingbat,
Double-crossing and spreading rumor.

So,
Enough of the faking,
and fuck the furore.
Quit cheating, you Bastard.

The farce is over.

[bort]

Originally Posted by DoloresHaze

your ass?

Sassy. You didn't answer in the correct form. Get your Worldvision sponsors to pay for a sub, plz.

[PerfectTonight]

Should I post another 'shitty poem' (according to Clotty Vagina') to keep this thread going...?

[PerfectTonight]

some actually personal shit...



Emptiness(I Read Your Journal...)


You said you wished you were me,
That day.
Sometimes I wish I was me too.

Where did you go?
I miss you like I miss myself.
An arbitrary emptiness replaces
The weightlessness I starved for.

That letter, these words,
I can't even read.
Smiling while crying is the strangest of feelings.

Champagne, a CD,
A cut that's still bleeding.
The memories pool at the soles of my feet.

Still wish you were me?
Don't wish for that.

What appears on the outside
Just covers the fear on the inside.
I miss you like I miss myself.

That lonely place where I met you,
A sordid scream.
The memories ache now, they're too bittersweet.

You've not been forgotten.

I take a deep breath and dial your number
Day
After day...there is no answer.

Sometimes I wish I was me too.
This is not the emptiness I longed for,
It's disquieting and searing,
So heavy and humming.

Who would've thought we'd die for these "sins"?
Well, our lies to ourselves
were too unforgiving,
And so Paperthin.

[PerfectTonight]

YES>>>>
I AM ALL ABOUT FREE VERSE and all of that crap....


The Window Laughed and Music Played

Rearranging my fare, I delight the ply of
my languished art.
It's the ultimate disguise, these are the stars in
my quixotic mind.

The film of my life is displayed on a plate.

All sparkles will sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty.
All the world is still, an enticing swing sedates me
into an emaciating eminence.

An ominous corruption, her daze lures and stagnates.

The shine of the window laughed, and I became a
model of sly madness.
The music played, I was ignored or forgotten, but
make me your punchline....

I dare you, come play my game!
© Kasey Wonser, All rights reserved

[bort]

Originally Posted by PerfectTonight

YES>>>>
I AM ALL ABOUT FREE VERSE and all of that crap....


The Window Laughed and Music Played

Rearranging my fare, I delight the ply of
my languished art.
It's the ultimate disguise, these are the stars in
my quixotic mind.

The film of my life is displayed on a plate.

All sparkles will sink and decay, around me air whirls
in a turmoil of beauty.
All the world is still, an enticing swing sedates me
into an emaciating eminence.

An ominous corruption, her daze lures and stagnates.

The shine of the window laughed, and I became a
model of sly madness.
The music played, I was ignored or forgotten, but
make me your punchline....

I dare you, come play my game!
© Kasey Wonser, All rights reserved

Did you make up a list of cool words at the start, and then shoehorn them in? That's how I do it. I love that "shoehorn" can be a verb.

[PerfectTonight]

Originally Posted by bort

Did you make up a list of cool words at the start, and then shoehorn them in? That's how I do it. I love that "shoehorn" can be a verb.

Its funny you mention that, haha. This was part of a contest and I had to include words from a wordbank.

FARE
LANGUISH
SPARKLE
EMACIATE
MODEL
MADNESS
MUSIC
STAGNANT
PLATE
BEAUTY

I tried to manipulate the words to make them an aid to an image that is less obvious than their original intention, I guess. (Anorexia) It was one of those pieces that came to me so easily, I wrote it in about 30 minutes. And it won GOLD! Crazy...

[light my candles]

Originally Posted by cricket

perfect tonight i think you've got a good feel for rhythm. i feel like there are some accessibility issues, though. i know poems aren't going to spell everything out, nor should they, but i think if you pin your meanings too far out there, the resonance fairy takes your tooth and forgets to leave you any money for it. you know?

It's amazing how often I think this. Not in those words, but yeah. Often when I'm watching films. Also, sometimes the 'too far out there' just conceals lack of substance. Muddy waters trying to appear deep.

[PerfectTonight]

Originally Posted by light my candles

It's amazing how often I think this. Not in those words, but yeah. Often when I'm watching films. Also, sometimes the 'too far out there' just conceals lack of substance. Muddy waters trying to appear deep.

But you see, that is what I am trying to convey here....

Muddy water, that is ME.

[PerfectTonight]

Originally Posted by cricket

perfect tonight i think you've got a good feel for rhythm. i feel like there are some accessibility issues, though. i know poems aren't going to spell everything out, nor should they, but i think if you pin your meanings too far out there, the resonance fairy takes your tooth and forgets to leave you any money for it. you know?

In a way, that is a 'crutch' for me. It allows me to wrote and taut my emotions and experiences...while still remaining somewhat removed form them....

*SIGH*

[thumbscrew]

Originally Posted by PerfectTonight

But you see, that is what I am trying to convey here....

Muddy water, that is ME.

i am an eel glissading unhindered through your muddy waters.
if i could have but a fleeting moment with your sharpened blade.
cardboard cut outs entombed within their empathetic inebriation.
become encrusted upon the blade through which the alloy deepens.
the silhouettes shaped into a tree by the caressing of the scissors.
purchased for $4.99 on special, the scissors embroiled back into their case
where upon the darkness of night, they were never to be seen again until the poetry thread was restarted

[PerfectTonight]

Originally Posted by thumbscrew

i am an eel glissading unhindered through your muddy waters.
if i could have but a fleeting moment with your sharpened blade.
cardboard cut outs entombed within their empathetic inebriation.
become encrusted upon the blade through which the alloy deepens.
the silhouettes shaped into a tree by the caressing of the scissors.
purchased for $4.99 on special, the scissors embroiled back into their case
where upon the darkness of night, they were never to be seen again until the poetry thread was restarted

Well, I am not too scared to admit that that was indeed shit, I am aware that you were trying to make it a parody of my style...but does that say anything about yourself or your own style???

There are many attmepts at parody and satire that fall short of what I assume they imply. I commend you on your attempt to use this to make me feel nad. In fact, it just makes you look lame.

Why do you do that?? Who do people here feel like they have to make fools of themselves in order to make a vacuous point?
I'm not here to fight anyone. If you have an intelligent critique...that would be fine .

[thumbscrew]

It wasn't "satire", i poured my heart out to you, and look what you do! you obviously have no feelings. actually, i haven't even read your poem yet.

[Amity]

the "$4.99 on special" bit really made an impact
B+

[thumbscrew]

it became a pivotal moment in my life

[PerfectTonight]

I, however, have never even considered making an attempt at being a writer for my profession..

Why not move on to someone else. Do I seem that stupid as to have target on my back since I got here? I haven't insulted anyone, I just done umnerstand.

PLEASE explain to me why so many of you have a vengeance towards me???? It just seems sooooo....TRITE.