does anyone here write at all?

staticsindy · #1 06-22-2008, 12:55 AM

short stories? poems? prose? whatever?

heres something short from me. dont know if im even finished with it yet. just trying it out i guess.

Quote:

She looked scared but calm. He had the shotgun out on the table in front of him, breech open and shell in place. “Come here”, he said to the little girl standing in front of him. She couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9. “I need you to do me a favor.”

His plan was a little bit cruel, but he was desperate enough to go through with it. He knew this would be an act that would stay with her for the rest of her life. He hoped that she would one day realize that it was his act and not hers. He hoped that she would hate him for this, and not herself.

He wasn’t really sure how to ask her to do this. Maybe he should just talk to her for a little while first. Tell her all the things he wished someone had sat him down to tell him. Maybe he should tell her about all the cruelty in the world and that she should never ever let that cruelty turn her into someone that lacked all the innocence and virtue she now possessed. Would she even understand what he said to her? He wasn’t really sure. But then, he wasn’t sure of very much right then.

With that thought he realized he had nothing to give her, and his plan made more sense now than ever.

sokkar · #2 06-22-2008, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by staticsindy

short stories? poems? prose? whatever?

all of the above, although i'm not sure which i'm stronger in. i get compliments all the time but i think i'm too self-conscious. basically i feel that everything i write is weak.

i'm thinking of going to grad school for writing, but i don't know yet.

i only have one small thing i want to pick at in that passage:

Quote:

Originally Posted by staticsindy

Maybe he should tell her about all the cruelty in the world and that she should never ever let that cruelty turn her into someone that lacked all the innocence and virtue she now possessed.

the second 'that' needs to be a 'who'. people are 'who', i.e. 'the person who', 'the girl who', etc. other than that i would like to see more of it, if you're willing to share.

staticsindy · #3 06-22-2008, 01:06 AM

ha thanks. id love to see some stuff youve written. what better place to grow a thick skin than kr? and in this forum, im sure theres a few people who could guide you to strengthen your writing?

i just wrote that and am not totally sure about where to take it next, or if i even want to really. i think i like it short and leaving you guessing. first thing ive written in a long while, i missed it.

staticsindy · #4 06-22-2008, 01:17 AM

k, well im not sure of the next few paragraphs, not sure of how well it flows.

Quote:

“I need to finish cleaning this gun barrel, but I need help.” She nodded. “I want you to keep your finger on the trigger while I hold up the gun and look down the barrel.” She looked puzzled. “Are you going to take out that shell first?” She’s too smart. He thought quickly, “No honey, it’s an empty shell. I fired this gun earlier and left that shell in because it makes cleaning it easier.” “O.K.”

He snapped the breech closed, shell in place. He pulled back the hammer until it clicked. She sat down in front of him and put her fingers on the trigger. “Make sure you have a good hold on that now.” She nodded again. He looked directly down the barrel and just slightly pulled up on it.

It happened quickly. She didn’t know what to do next. She just sat there, quietly stunned.

InShreds · #5 06-22-2008, 01:22 AM

nevermind