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  #1  
Old 12-28-2007, 09:03 PM
bubblegum girl
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: boulder
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littlefish can only hope to improve
one sentence works..?

once, twice and all the time,
the blood of christ is a glass of wine,
which forgives us each of all our crime,
when refilled six or seven times.

************************************************

tell me right before you're cumming,
so i may stop my senseless senses numbing,
and block my flighty heart from running,
to a space where i misplace your taste.

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  #2  
Old 12-29-2007, 12:03 AM
fizzy lifting drinks
 
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"senseless senses" - such a prime example of what goes wrong when people try to write poems.

meaningless meaning.
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  #3  
Old 12-29-2007, 02:02 AM
earthcrosser75's Avatar
Whore. Pit Viper.
 
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the second one sounds like it could have been ripped straight from an auf der maur song, and that's not a good thing. sorry.
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  #4  
Old 12-29-2007, 08:46 AM
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decay on society
 
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the 1st verse or whatever isn't bad.

The 2nd one reads like something a drunken orangutan would compose with a packet of magnetic poetry.
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  #5  
Old 12-29-2007, 07:14 PM
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*Tea stained*
 
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The first verse is good.
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