Well, the whole reason I ended up in full relapse mode was physical. I never did any street dope or alcohol this time. I was on everything because of medical conditions. I hung on for dear life and fought falling into the disease of addiction, but it took over physically first.
I ended up a full-blown junkie about two years ago. I mean, the disease took over physically, then emotionally/mentally. I wasn't a junkie because I was miserable. I was miserable because I was a junkie. I'm sure of it.
I wasn't doing heroin, but I was shooting up my Oxycontin instead of swallowing them. It really was the same kind of high as heroin. I don't think my prescription instructed that on the label. I actually told myself that it was the best way to use them, plus I was obssessively afraid of insomnia by then. Plus, there was my little internet shopping for "meds" hobby. It was like xmas everyday because I tended to forget what I was buying at nights.
The point is...(yeah tracyr, get to the ****ing point for once!) most of my relapse revolved around the strictly physical until the very end. Emotional pain had nothing to do with it because I managed to stay sober for 20 years already and had no desire to throw it away because I was unhappy. It took years of battling all of those surgeries and the continual herniation of my discs, one after the other, (degenerative disk disease) and fighting the use of pain meds and the horrble insomnia that broke me down and it took years.