TOM CRUISE FACTS

1. Tom Cruise has slept with a woman exactly once. It was on September 19th 1984 and her name was Steve.

2. Tom Cruise doesn't do things. He is things.

3. Tom Cruise is Kanye West's biggest fan, best friend and occassional guest rapper.

4. Tom Cruise can never win Sexiest Man Alive again because he has transcended what humans define as life.

5. Finland's most popular line of boat is the Tom Cruiser.

6. It is impossible to know Tom Cruise. You cannot know the unknowable.

7. It is impossible to even see Tom Cruise without the use of a prism.

8. Time before the birth of Tom Cruise is completely undocumented.

9. Tom Cruise can read your mind, he can see your soul, he can touch your private parts. He just chooses not to.

10. Tom Cruise hates medicine because Tom Cruise can cure all disease.

11. Tom Cruise once helped ten junkies get off of heroin, cocaine, paxil and tylenol in under 10 minutes. Then he killed them.

12. No cage can hold Tom Cruise. Not even Nicholas Cage.

13. Tom Cruise is the Godfather of Soul

14. If Tom Cruise were a word he'd be Tom Cruise.

15, Katie Holmes loved Tom Cruise so much that she became pregnant after seeing his cock in a Netflixed copy of All The Right Moves.

16. God prays to Tom Cruise.

17. If Tom Cruise says you are glib. You are glib. If Tom Cruise says you are a bad mother. You are a bad mother. If Tom Cruise says what time is it you best believe its time.

18. Tom Cruise conducts all interviews from the safety of his cryogenic chamber.

19. If Tom Cruise didn't jump on that couch the couch would have eventually seized control of nuclear power.

20. Jesus died for your sins but Tom Cruise killed him.

21. Tom Cruise did not eat his baby's placenta. He devoured it.

22. Tom Cruise has no discernible genitalia.

23. Top Gun and The Ten Commandments are based entirely on actual events in the life of Tom Cruise.

24. Nicole Kidman has never met Tom Cruise.

25. Tom Cruise's thetans aren't just in check, they write checks and they will check you.

26. There is no A List. Just a list of celebrities Tom Cruise has allowed to live.

add your own pls

tom cruise didn't have sex with katie holmes. he stared at her womb until she became pregnant

/me wets pants

__________________
I CARRIED A WATERMELON

- if paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Steven Seagal's fully erect penis.

- there are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Steven Seagal, and people who are going to die.

- Yoda was once 6' 4", black, and talked normally, he then made the mistake of saying Steven Seagal sucks.

- Steven Seagal takes a baseball bat into the can with him in case he shits out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

- at the start of every summer, Steven Seagal begins practicing his karate-chops outside. We know this as hurricane season.

- Steven Seagal once beat a unicorn to death with a hammock full of rocks.

hahaha those are great.

we need to get the chuck norris facts in here