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06-07-2006, 05:56 AM
|  | .FUCK BACK BITCH | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: IN GUTTERS LOOKING AT STARS?
Posts: 2,592
| | | a few things you should learn about life before you are ruined
TOM CRUISE FACTS
1. Tom Cruise has slept with a woman exactly once. It was on September 19th 1984 and her name was Steve.
2. Tom Cruise doesn't do things. He is things.
3. Tom Cruise is Kanye West's biggest fan, best friend and occassional guest rapper.
4. Tom Cruise can never win Sexiest Man Alive again because he has transcended what humans define as life.
5. Finland's most popular line of boat is the Tom Cruiser.
6. It is impossible to know Tom Cruise. You cannot know the unknowable.
7. It is impossible to even see Tom Cruise without the use of a prism.
8. Time before the birth of Tom Cruise is completely undocumented.
9. Tom Cruise can read your mind, he can see your soul, he can touch your private parts. He just chooses not to.
10. Tom Cruise hates medicine because Tom Cruise can cure all disease.
11. Tom Cruise once helped ten junkies get off of heroin, cocaine, paxil and tylenol in under 10 minutes. Then he killed them.
12. No cage can hold Tom Cruise. Not even Nicholas Cage.
13. Tom Cruise is the Godfather of Soul
14. If Tom Cruise were a word he'd be Tom Cruise.
15, Katie Holmes loved Tom Cruise so much that she became pregnant after seeing his cock in a Netflixed copy of All The Right Moves.
16. God prays to Tom Cruise.
17. If Tom Cruise says you are glib. You are glib. If Tom Cruise says you are a bad mother. You are a bad mother. If Tom Cruise says what time is it you best believe its time.
18. Tom Cruise conducts all interviews from the safety of his cryogenic chamber.
19. If Tom Cruise didn't jump on that couch the couch would have eventually seized control of nuclear power.
20. Jesus died for your sins but Tom Cruise killed him.
21. Tom Cruise did not eat his baby's placenta. He devoured it.
22. Tom Cruise has no discernible genitalia.
23. Top Gun and The Ten Commandments are based entirely on actual events in the life of Tom Cruise.
24. Nicole Kidman has never met Tom Cruise.
25. Tom Cruise's thetans aren't just in check, they write checks and they will check you.
26. There is no A List. Just a list of celebrities Tom Cruise has allowed to live.
add your own pls  |
06-07-2006, 06:01 AM
| | SUGAR COATED SOUR | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 3,931
| | | tom cruise didn't have sex with katie holmes. he stared at her womb until she became pregnant |
06-07-2006, 06:15 AM
|  | obsidianblackbirdmcnight | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: aotearoa
Posts: 5,307
| | Quote: |
7. It is impossible to even see Tom Cruise without the use of a prism.
| Quote: |
21. Tom Cruise did not eat his baby's placenta. He devoured it.
| /me wets pants
__________________
MAN FUCKS WOMAN. SUBJECT VERB OBJECT.
|
06-07-2006, 06:21 AM
|  | hell is other people | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 2,340
| | | not forgetting the pot-bellied ninja himself....
- if paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Steven Seagal's fully erect penis.
- there are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Steven Seagal, and people who are going to die.
- Yoda was once 6' 4", black, and talked normally, he then made the mistake of saying Steven Seagal sucks.
- Steven Seagal takes a baseball bat into the can with him in case he shits out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.
- at the start of every summer, Steven Seagal begins practicing his karate-chops outside. We know this as hurricane season.
- Steven Seagal once beat a unicorn to death with a hammock full of rocks. |
06-07-2006, 06:22 AM
|  | some kind of wonderful | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: life in the fast lane
Posts: 3,681
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by withnail - if paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Steven Seagal's fully erect penis.
- there are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Steven Seagal, and people who are going to die.
- Yoda was once 6' 4", black, and talked normal, he then made the mistake of saying Steven Seagal sucks.
- Steven Seagal takes a baseball bat into the can with him in case he shits out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.
- at the start of every summer, Steven Seagal begins practicing his karate-chops outside. We know this as hurricane season.
- Steven Seagal once beat a unicorn to death with a hammock full of rocks. |
hahaha those are great.
we need to get the chuck norris facts in here |
06-07-2006, 06:24 AM
| | hell is other people | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 2,340
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Jaded we need to get the chuck norris facts in here | - there is no theory of evolution. just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. |
06-07-2006, 06:27 AM
| | some kind of wonderful | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: life in the fast lane
Posts: 3,681
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by withnail - there is no theory of evolution. just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. |  Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off. |
06-07-2006, 06:31 AM
| | .FUCK BACK BITCH | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: IN GUTTERS LOOKING AT STARS?
Posts: 2,592
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Jaded Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off. | thsi one is awsome |
06-07-2006, 06:32 AM
| | hell is other people | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 2,340
| | | - see Spot. see Spot run. see Spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. |
06-07-2006, 06:33 AM
| | some kind of wonderful | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: life in the fast lane
Posts: 3,681
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by withnail - see Spot. see Spot run. see Spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. | hahaha |
06-07-2006, 06:36 AM
| | some kind of wonderful | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: life in the fast lane
Posts: 3,681
| | | Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. |
06-07-2006, 08:46 AM
|  | fuuuucckkkk | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: sydney
Posts: 5,889
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by .parisian TOM CRUISE FACTS
1. Tom Cruise has slept with a woman exactly once. It was on September 19th 1984 and her name was Steve.
4. Tom Cruise can never win Sexiest Man Alive again because he has transcended what humans define as life.
11. Tom Cruise once helped ten junkies get off of heroin, cocaine, paxil and tylenol in under 10 minutes. Then he killed them.
16. God prays to Tom Cruise.
22. Tom Cruise has no discernible genitalia.
26. There is no A List. Just a list of celebrities Tom Cruise has allowed to live. | lolololzz
that "no discernible genitalia" one sounds pretty fucking accurate actually.
__________________
how in the hell do i still have a sub? |
06-07-2006, 09:07 AM
|  | Lets stay up | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 7,511
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by Jaded Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off. |
LOL! I like this one..hehe |
06-07-2006, 09:09 AM
|  | Registered Member | | Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 95
| | | ha. and also hahahahha.
i don't know if this is fact, but i have long suspected that tom cruise didn't wish to sully himself with the nudity and sex in the film 'eyes wide shut' so they had him leer and drool at himself in a mirror for 2+ hours and then added in all the rest with computer graphics.
"don't worry... i am a doctor. here is my medical id card." |
06-07-2006, 09:15 AM
| | .FUCK BACK BITCH | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: IN GUTTERS LOOKING AT STARS?
Posts: 2,592
| | | tom cruise does not act. he emotes |
06-07-2006, 09:21 AM
| | hell is other people | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Cambridge, England
Posts: 2,340
| | | King_Kunt_Bi does not post. he fucks his keyboard. the words you read under his name are his hard drive having an orgasm. |
06-07-2006, 09:33 AM
|  | vera vogue | | Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 550
| | | Chuck Norris jumped into a lake, but he didn't get wet.
The lake got Chuck Norris.
This is the only one that makes me laugh. |
06-07-2006, 11:24 AM
|  | NEENJA | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: nyc 4 eva
Posts: 3,213
| | | "chuck norris does not sleep, he waits."
that was my fav, hope i quoted it right.
__________________ to the winch, wench. Quote: |
Originally Posted by dotty wokker and laugh about it all you want. you wont be laughing when my friends dos the fuck out of your hard drive. | |
06-07-2006, 11:32 AM
|  | Chairman~MouseyTongue | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Chairman Meow
Posts: 7,044
| | | Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo* is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
*to some kids, the books had him as Wally, not Waldo. |
06-07-2006, 02:00 PM
| | some kind of wonderful | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: life in the fast lane
Posts: 3,681
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by BleedingHeart Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo* is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, | | |
