[kesh]

Originally Posted by gelflinggirl

kesh do you mean this? I am very serious about running away. I want to do it properly. leave all my stuff and just a note for my mum and don't tell no one and just be gone. is it okay that my passport has felt tip pen all over it do you think?

always i have dreamt about running away. and lots of my favourite books involved running away, or disappearing somehow.

but i actually don't want to anymore. i want to run to somewhere, rather than away, but that is my own thing.

inspiring nature is probably in every country. i mean i love mountains and most places have them. getting above the clouds in the mountains and looking down at them is pretty good. i hope to go to sierra nevada in spain this feb. and may climb cadair idris on new years eve and camp up there. i discovered that madman poetry spell works best on new years eve.

[gelflinggirl]

I have too. when I was little I always wanted to run away throught the fields at the back of my school but I didn't want to do it on my own and my cousin alice wouldn't come with me. There was nothing wrong at home or anything, it was just that runnig away seemed like the best adventure anyone could have. I was a bit scared to do it I reckon anyway.

I just feel really sick of my life at the moment and running away feels like the right thing to do. nothing is going wrong or anything, it's just that nothing is happening. i feel like puking constantly. and nothing is stretching my mind in the slightest. running away would do something at least.

[gelflinggirl]

(regarding your rep)english, amity. any european blood is a good few generations back.

[calalove]

food and touch
they are separate

heal and relax
you have to be in the mood
it's like jane says

what's good for soemone else doesn't always mean it's the good for you

i get bothered by self-righteous wrong people

no heat is torture, yet a learning experience
a muffin/book could help for a second
didn't watch trace's vid

and chyia, she gets it

can i send you something warm
warm is so important

* edit
kesh, yeah, he gets it

[dirtyplotte]

i think its just your body telling you, that you need to be somewhere warm.

i saved a patients life tonight. actually and truly.

[vulgaris]

so you would fail if you tried to revive me. kathie. you realise. and that would be bad for your tally.

[dirtyplotte]

you have a soul. and youve been revived. youll catch up with the rest of us soon enough.



hey do me a favor and watch The Rapture with mimi rogers

[gelflinggirl]

I have turned the electric heater on, despite the fact that it may trip the electric switch again and mean no lights, no internet and no tv. I spent last night in my hoodie, a thick lumberjack shirt, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans with thick tights underneath and I was under the duvet and a blanket and I was still frrrrrreezing.

[ella luciana]

Originally Posted by RomanNoseJob

mcsweeney's no.13, the comic book one, was actually really good.


I never feel whimsical enough for these threads. I quell.

MCSWEENEY'S! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I've never spoken to anyone but my boyfriend about it. Do most people pay for it? We get it sent to us for free... Well, he does - I then steal. No. 22 with the magnetic books was the aceness.

I'm not whimsical or even clever enough for these threads. I used to feel so special.

[gelflinggirl]

ella, how do you get it sent to you for free?
I think I may stay in bed all day, watching tv, eating cous cous and freaking out about whether or not this boy likes me. I am posting an ad kn the internet asking someone to buy me a ticket to somewhere new.
ella, what are you doing for a job now?

[ella luciana]

Originally Posted by gelflinggirl

ella, how do you get it sent to you for free?
I think I may stay in bed all day, watching tv, eating cous cous and freaking out about whether or not this boy likes me. I am posting an ad kn the internet asking someone to buy me a ticket to somewhere new.
ella, what are you doing for a job now?

My boyfriend is the manager of an art bookshop, and he gets lots of perks from this. McSweeney's always send him free things. I'm not sure if it's just because they like him, or if they do that for everyone who runs a bookshop.

I don't think you should freak out about this boy, unless there's more news on him that we don't know about? He seems like a lovely one, and that he's quite into you.

The job thing is actually one of the most depressing things in my life just now. Every second Sunday I get to be the boss at Lush, and I love that, but my main every-Monday-to-Friday is working in an office of a big investment company, writing letters to clients. I started doing it as a temp job because I had no money to keep making films, and I couldn't get enough hours at Lush to survive, but then they made me permanent. I worried that I get complacent and stay there and nhot look for other things, even though I hate it, and I think I have. I keep finding jobs I sort-of want, but I seem to have no confidence at the moment to go for them. I feel like I'm not qualified for most of them in the first place, and also that I've really jeopardised my chances by doing a soul-crushing office job that's nothing to do with me as a person. I just think it looks bad, and I'm bored and scared and I work with the least imaginative people ever, who freak out when I wear scarves indoors because "that's a bit weird". They're all so negative and bitter about life, and each other. I sit between a racist and a homophobe and I just need to leave.

But I don't really know what else I can do. And my computer doesn't even have Word on it, so I can't even make a CV on it.

Wow, this was a lot like an internet breakdown.

[gelflinggirl]

ella, what is it you want to do exactly? I remember that it is something to do with journalism right?
I'm not working at all at the moment (one to two nights a week doing door stuff for clubs)and feel like my brain is rotting and I need any job, even a really mundane ofice job so that I don't go insance from doing nothing. For some reason all the things that I really want to do feel so far out of my reach that I don't even consider them as options a lot of the time.
are you still living in Scotland?

I am freaking out about the boy because it has been over two months of seeing him and I still do not know where I stand with him and he only wants to see me once a week and even though we have had sex now (and it was great) he doesn't seem that bothered about doing it again anytime soon. so now I have arranged what is possibly a date with someone else next week because I don't even know if we're exclusive.

can you afford to do an internship somewhere you really want to work?

[dirtyplotte]

gelf this just seems wrong you not being able to have heat. isnt there a law in uk about renting a place thats habitable? in america its illegal to rent a place that has no heat in cold areas.

[ella luciana]

Originally Posted by gelflinggirl

ella, what is it you want to do exactly? I remember that it is something to do with journalism right?
I'm not working at all at the moment (one to two nights a week doing door stuff for clubs)and feel like my brain is rotting and I need any job, even a really mundane ofice job so that I don't go insance from doing nothing. For some reason all the things that I really want to do feel so far out of my reach that I don't even consider them as options a lot of the time.
are you still living in Scotland?

I am freaking out about the boy because it has been over two months of seeing him and I still do not know where I stand with him and he only wants to see me once a week and even though we have had sex now (and it was great) he doesn't seem that bothered about doing it again anytime soon. so now I have arranged what is possibly a date with someone else next week because I don't even know if we're exclusive.

can you afford to do an internship somewhere you really want to work?

I want to do so many things, but I change my mind so often. I don't really have career ambition as such - I'd like to spend my time doing something creative, or at least that would satisfy me in some way, but the things that are important to me really are getting married and having children and making them into happy people. I think I want a job that I'm proud of.

What I've done before is work for a film production company, and I actually really like that. I would like to be involved in that side of film, but I was taken on as a trainee, and then work ran out. And because I wasn't (and am not) very experienced, I find it very difficult to find any related work anywhere. It's also not a very reliable way to make a living.

Sometimes I think I want to be a manager of Lush somewhere. I also like the idea of owning a childrens cafe/cake shop. My boyfriend wants to own his own childrens book shop, and I would like to be involved in that, but neither of us has any money to make that a reality.

I want to write, but at the moment - actually, for a few years, I've had absolutely no creative inspiration.

I'd like to be involved in something to do with kids, like a youth theatre or something - I've also considered teacher training for primary school, but I'm not convinced I could do that.

I just don't really know. I still live in Edinburgh, which is where my boyfriend's career is, but there just doesn't seem to be any hope for me here. Which makes me feel bitterly towards him, and I shouldn't. As if I'm being held back by him, almost. Edinburgh has so little going on, even when I was in Aberdeen there was more opportunity, as it was a much more open place. Edinburgh is very cliquey, and I don't have the energy to try and infiltrate that. I also just don't push myself. I'm not sure how to.

In Glasgow there are tonnes of creative people, and internships available, but I couldn't afford to live here and commute there for work or for a placement. I'd really need to be living there, and living there means not living with Matthew, who is on a career path, and so can't give up his job. He also can't afford to commute through here if we lived in Glasgow.

I think I'm finding it hard because
A) I'm not really sure what I want
B) I'm not sure how to go about getting the things that I think maybe I do want
C) I'm a bit too scared, and even if I did know what to do, I'm not sure I would be able to.

I feel a bit shit at the moment.

Did you never figure out a way to ask that boy what was going on? Couldn't you rope one of your friends into "drunkenly" (read: fake drunkenly) or soberly, I guess, just asking him. Like if you and him are at a pub with some friends, maybe, then someone just saying "So what's going on with you two?" or similar? It could be when you were at the bar or the toilets or something so he'd have to answer and you wouldn't feel awkward. Or do you not know each other's friends?

[gelflinggirl]

Originally Posted by dirtyplotte

gelf this just seems wrong you not being able to have heat. isnt there a law in uk about renting a place thats habitable? in america its illegal to rent a place that has no heat in cold areas.

i'm not sure what the laws are but I am living somewhere that is halfway between being a squat and a proper place.

[dirtyplotte]

Originally Posted by gelflinggirl

i'm not sure what the laws are but I am living somewhere that is halfway between being a squat and a proper place.

if youre paying rent, then im sure that you have some sort of implied contract. go pester ellencherry bc she would definitely know answers to this. i hate that youre freezing.

[orchestral]

i too live in an apartment with sketchy heat, and often worry turning it on will short circuit other things. and it's also old, and heat doesnt stay in very well.
but what worked for me, was buying a heating blanket and letting my bed cook and get all toasty, and then sleeping that way.

i even found a really um, special one that is a heating cape you plug into your USB port, and then it powers the blanket to warm you. see?



but otherwise, just buy a giant electric blanket, plug it in, and then set it to high. they're much less of a power drain, and wont cause your electricity to freak out like a space heater will.