I just finished watching the Thin documentary. Felt all to filmier to what I’ve undergone in the past with my ED and in recent times with my SI. I recall when I was in the clinic for my suicide attempt a year and a half ago and I thought to myself how the hell did I end up here? When will this insanity end? Its like I am/was spinning on a sick cycle caracal. It’s not going to end until I step off permanently. I recall my things being checked when I arrived at the clinic or as I called it the “dumping ground for the homeless, suicidal, battered women, and junkies.” Basically all the degenerates in society were neglected there for a week or two. Fortunately I was only there for 5 days. It was more then I could stand. I was ready to scream inside of myself . But it didn’t really matter if I didn’t know how to figure it out. I just needed to play the “get well” game in order to get the hell out of there. Within this documentary I attached to Britney the most, because she was overweight as a child and had developed an ED in order to fit in and not be one of the “fat girls.”

I could excruciatingly connect to her story. Although my mom doesn’t have an ED, they do run in the family, as do addictions. I feel like she was one of the misunderstood one’s within the group, when the other one mentioned how she thought she wanted to be the “sickest” one within the community, and then Britney left because it was to excruciating to suffer. I recall being that scared 16 year old who was desperately trying to fit in, and keep the weight down for the sake of the new approval I was receiving. It was addicting, there was no greater feeling in the world then to know that you were pleasing your peers. To know that you were the eminent one, the one whom all looked up to, and admired. When in reality I was just trying to find my way the best that I knew how. After Britney left treatment she relapsed into her ED, and moved back home with her mother. I can safely say that I’ve regressed back into my old eating habits of 12 years ago. Eating to drown out all the pain, and not caring. I’ve been on the other side of thin, on the unhealthy side of thin, and when I was there, they found something else to criticize about me. No promise land did I find. Instead what I found was ultimate emptiness, and emotional impoverishment.

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YOU'LL BE DOING HAIR, AND MAKEUP, AND ANSWERING THE PHONE.

I very nearly drove both of my step-sisters crazy by teaching their kids to say, "BobDoleBobDoleBobDole!"

Hilarity ensued.