At least momentarily, anyway. Because this is the place I can come to spill my guts about stuff that I can't say on myspace (due to too many real life people being on there). And I need to spill my guts.
To begin with, I had to have one of my ferrets put to sleep yesterday (not the one in my avatar here, though). She'd been sick for a long, long time and we never figured out exactly what it was, but it had to have been some sort of cancer. She hung in there forever and would have hung in there longer, but she was starting to suffer in a way that couldn't be denied, and I couldn't allow her to suffer like that.
That was bad enough, but the worst part is that I had to take her all by myself, to a vet 30 miles away from here. I had to do that because the potentially-soon-to-be-ex Mr. F is a selfish bastard. We've been having a "trial separation" this week, which involves me living in a motel with a puppy (I got another puppy after I quit posting here, I will post pics if anyone is interested in seeing him) and all the ferrets. Even though he always called her "his" ferret, he couldn't leave work to go with me or even just to come see her one last time and say goodbye. He runs the ****ing place, he is the boss, there is nobody there with the authority to keep him from leaving. He didn't WANT to leave. He said "What's the point of a separation if we see each other every other day?". As if this was all some elaborate plot to see him instead of the heartbreaking end of what was supposedly his beloved pet's life! For being so smart, sometimes he is ****ing dense. Not to mention incredibly egocentric! One day he will learn the hard way that it isn't always about him.
So, considering that I was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the whole separation thing *before* I realized how serious the ferret situation had become, I was an absolute wreck the whole day. I had to go to work and pretend to be cheerful and carefree all the while I was devastated thinking about that horrible trip to the vet that awaited me.
It was a 30 mile trip one way, and I sobbed nearly the whole way there. I broke down completely at the vet's office, and once it was over and I was back in my truck I sobbed and screamed and lost complete control of myself. Then I cried the whole way back to the motel as well and most of the rest of the night too. I had to throw away my contacts, they were so gunked up that even a good soaking didn't help them.
I woke up today feeling a little stronger and slightly better able to accept everything. I had no desire to sit around and mope, so I got dressed up in the most flattering outfit I had here (complete with spike heel boots!) and went to town. I did some shopping, had my hair BUTCHERED by a stylist who surely must be the product of a mother who smoked enormous quantities of crack while pregnant, and had dinner. I ran into one of his employees, who questioned why he wasn't with me (we are mostly keeping this separation thing on the downlow for whatever reason). I lied and said he didn't want to come along for my haircut, and then her husband told me I was beautiful (he said it in English, she only speaks Spanish).
I stopped at the convenience store on my way home and the clerk said, "Wow, where are you going all dressed up in your high-heel boots and all?!" I told her I was going home, I had already been out. She then said, "Your husband was in here not long ago at all". I just gave her my dazzling smile and said, "I bet he was." She said, "He bought a carton of cigarettes", and I replied again with my dazzling smile, "I bet he did. I just did the same thing." Then I said, "I'm feeling lucky, let me have one of the "win for life" scratch-off tickets" (which was a good move, I won five dollars!), paid for my stuff, and left. I decided to leave my messenger on "invisible" until just a little while ago just to make him wonder where I was all night, and once word gets back to him that I was running around all happy and dressed up, it will really make him wonder what I was up to tonight. He hasn't messaged me yet and I am not going to message him either. I don't know what the point of this game is, but I figured it would do him good to consider the possibility that I might just be enjoying my time without him (and truthfully, I rather AM).
Anyway I go back home Tuesday, and will have to stay there at least for a while until I can find a real place to rent on a permanent basis. He has a list a mile long of demands for me, but has no plans on making any concessions himself as far as I know. So I don't think I will be there long. It's a shame to have spent ten years with him and have it come to this, but it would be worse to spend twenty with him and be miserable for most of them.
Feel free to ignore this if you wish, I just felt like I needed to get it out of my system and KR
is MY territory, he has no minions here so I felt like this was the only safe place I could make this confession.