At least momentarily, anyway. Because this is the place I can come to spill my guts about stuff that I can't say on myspace (due to too many real life people being on there). And I need to spill my guts.

To begin with, I had to have one of my ferrets put to sleep yesterday (not the one in my avatar here, though). She'd been sick for a long, long time and we never figured out exactly what it was, but it had to have been some sort of cancer. She hung in there forever and would have hung in there longer, but she was starting to suffer in a way that couldn't be denied, and I couldn't allow her to suffer like that.

That was bad enough, but the worst part is that I had to take her all by myself, to a vet 30 miles away from here. I had to do that because the potentially-soon-to-be-ex Mr. F is a selfish bastard. We've been having a "trial separation" this week, which involves me living in a motel with a puppy (I got another puppy after I quit posting here, I will post pics if anyone is interested in seeing him) and all the ferrets. Even though he always called her "his" ferret, he couldn't leave work to go with me or even just to come see her one last time and say goodbye. He runs the fucking place, he is the boss, there is nobody there with the authority to keep him from leaving. He didn't WANT to leave. He said "What's the point of a separation if we see each other every other day?". As if this was all some elaborate plot to see him instead of the heartbreaking end of what was supposedly his beloved pet's life! For being so smart, sometimes he is fucking dense. Not to mention incredibly egocentric! One day he will learn the hard way that it isn't always about him.

So, considering that I was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to the whole separation thing *before* I realized how serious the ferret situation had become, I was an absolute wreck the whole day. I had to go to work and pretend to be cheerful and carefree all the while I was devastated thinking about that horrible trip to the vet that awaited me.

It was a 30 mile trip one way, and I sobbed nearly the whole way there. I broke down completely at the vet's office, and once it was over and I was back in my truck I sobbed and screamed and lost complete control of myself. Then I cried the whole way back to the motel as well and most of the rest of the night too. I had to throw away my contacts, they were so gunked up that even a good soaking didn't help them.

I woke up today feeling a little stronger and slightly better able to accept everything. I had no desire to sit around and mope, so I got dressed up in the most flattering outfit I had here (complete with spike heel boots!) and went to town. I did some shopping, had my hair BUTCHERED by a stylist who surely must be the product of a mother who smoked enormous quantities of crack while pregnant, and had dinner. I ran into one of his employees, who questioned why he wasn't with me (we are mostly keeping this separation thing on the downlow for whatever reason). I lied and said he didn't want to come along for my haircut, and then her husband told me I was beautiful (he said it in English, she only speaks Spanish).

I stopped at the convenience store on my way home and the clerk said, "Wow, where are you going all dressed up in your high-heel boots and all?!" I told her I was going home, I had already been out. She then said, "Your husband was in here not long ago at all". I just gave her my dazzling smile and said, "I bet he was." She said, "He bought a carton of cigarettes", and I replied again with my dazzling smile, "I bet he did. I just did the same thing." Then I said, "I'm feeling lucky, let me have one of the "win for life" scratch-off tickets" (which was a good move, I won five dollars!), paid for my stuff, and left. I decided to leave my messenger on "invisible" until just a little while ago just to make him wonder where I was all night, and once word gets back to him that I was running around all happy and dressed up, it will really make him wonder what I was up to tonight. He hasn't messaged me yet and I am not going to message him either. I don't know what the point of this game is, but I figured it would do him good to consider the possibility that I might just be enjoying my time without him (and truthfully, I rather AM).

Anyway I go back home Tuesday, and will have to stay there at least for a while until I can find a real place to rent on a permanent basis. He has a list a mile long of demands for me, but has no plans on making any concessions himself as far as I know. So I don't think I will be there long. It's a shame to have spent ten years with him and have it come to this, but it would be worse to spend twenty with him and be miserable for most of them.

Feel free to ignore this if you wish, I just felt like I needed to get it out of my system and KR is MY territory, he has no minions here so I felt like this was the only safe place I could make this confession.

well i'm not espeically good at giving advice to strangers, but i did read the whole thing.

sorry about your ferret being put to sleep, and if that's not bad enough, you also got hit with an unsupportive boyfriend.

i've had a super rough year which included both pet death, and and unsupportive boyfriend. alot of people talked at me about it, but the only thing that i could really count on was the fact that like all this, this too would pass, and there would be one day that i wouldn't even think about either of them.

that day hasn't come yet, but one day soon it will.

so i say the same to you.

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ms ferret it's nice to see you here. I was eating a Tastykake the other day and thought of you

So sorry about your ferret. Losing a pet is the worst thing ever.

As for your husband, I cant say I have any advice for you but from an outsiders perspective it seems like you would be happier without him. I really hope everything works out for you.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

I can relate to this. I'm still emotionally scarred after a bad breakup a few months ago. I get really down about it sometimes (dont know if this is normal, but whatever) but I can say that that I'm thinking about him less and less every day.

Well you certainly deserve an award for managing to read that entire thing, that's for sure!

Anyway, I am sorry to hear that you have had to go through the same thing, it really sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

You are so right that this too shall pass, that is the thought I maintain when nothing else is certain and it always brings me comfort. "Unsupportive" does not even BEGIN to describe my husband, there's a lot more unpleasantry than that but I decided it might be best not to go into much detail about how truly selfish, arrogant, cruel, and meanspirited he is because (a) I don't want to get carpal tunnel, and nobody would ever want to read something that long, and (b), what kind of idiot does that make me to put up with a man like that?

Thank you for reading and responding to my post, and for not cramming advice down my throat (unlike sooo many people in my personal life who are convinced that their solution is best for me. Their solution usually involves having me in some position that would be beneficial to THEM, like my sister who told me, "but you need your FAMILY right now! come stay with me!" Umm, no, sis YOU need a BABYSITTER right now, don't give me that song and dance when you know you are thinking of your own needs and not mine!)