| Awaiting death
My life ended a decade ago. I had a beautiful bride with children, great summer festivals and everything was rosy.
Then things got real dark. I became isolated and started thinking for myself. I realised I am alone in this life - this life is hell for the wicked rise to the top and people like me who hate people who;
1. Love going shopping
2. Enthralled by music / bands / media / t.v. / film / books
3. Are in employment
4. Attended University / college and got qualifications
Basically, people who take the path everyone does and fears going one step away from what is normal (even when normal is a guy wearing eye-liner and listening to The Killers)
and always doing what the mainstream middle of the road bullshit ideologies in life tell them to do because its hip.
No, I said fuck it all. I stopped reading, tossed out the t.v. and cut myself off from everyone and everything. It was the best and worst time of my life. Alone, living the minimalist life of paying bills, eating, sleeping, cleaning.
Eventually, people became 'concerned' about my lifestyle of isolation and tried to help and they failed miserably.
So, here I am, still alone in this life. Steadily going nowhere special and awaiting death. In the meantime I was struggling with two things;
1. Mental illness
2. Drug addiction
The mental illness stemmed from the immense confusion I experienced as a child. This eventually eased as I grew older yet the drug addiction persisted up until this year. I am still occasionally taking drugs such as peyote and magic mushrooms BUT have quit cigarettes, charlie, ganja, amphetamines, opium / morphine.
Yet, this is too late because Doctors are pretty much concerned with my health. For instance, I began a 'healthy' diet of fruit and vegetables and guess what...my pancreas started to become inflamed from struggling to digest such food. It can only handle, so I discovered after almost dying, meat. The diet I was originally on was a purely high fat diet of meat, milk, and alcohol. Now its sans alcohol because my pancreas is pretty much damaged beyond repair. Every time I have a drink it swells up and becomes really uncomfortable and painful.
To make things worse, the last time I saw my GP I was asked loads of questions regarding my liver AFTER blood tests for my abdominal pain which we all suspect is an ulcer.
Basically, for the past 6 years my life has been daily agony. This is basically due to drug abuse. Yeah, I would drink a litre of whiskey and smoke a quart of ganja in one night and this was nothing special like the 'I can take it' game it was just getting through life, numb.
It did start out with glorious motives such as enlightenment and self discovery but when you reach a point in life like Satre realised its just time to get fucking wasted. Sadly, nowadays my body is saying its goodbyes and I really want to die because my life ended a decade ago and nothing compares to how beautiful life was for me back then in the 90's except the glory of God and love I feel for my Lord.
When you have done everything within your means possible, and life has nothing left to give, you realise it can not go on anymore and in no way do you want to live to just exist.
But the sad part is, suicide is against my faith.
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