| Carlin quotes!!
- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
- I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
- In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
- The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
- The status quo sucks.
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
- There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- Think off-center.
- Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
- Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."  | 
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