Character: Buffy
Grade: A+
Comments: Buffy is the one member of my TV idol trinity (Amanda and Sydney from Melrose Place being the others) who isn't a fucking bitch. Except for the last three seasons. But even then her bitchiness usually coincided with having to save the world, not man-stealing or climbing the corporate ladder. If she was a man, I probably wouldn't have thought she was a fucking bitch. I'm a creep, but the Buffy stories teach us that redemption is always an option.
I first realized I was desperately in love with Buffy near the end of the "Lie to Me" episode. She's my John Wayne.
I cry like a bitch every time I watch the season five finale where she sacrifices herself. Her season seven speeches inspire me, even the really bloated ones. I'd like to get them on vinyl and listen to them the way some people listen to Churchill.
Character: Willow
Grade: C+
Comments: I understand that the show is richer with Willow being there, but I like her more as a source of plot points than an actual character.
I've never found her funny or adorable. For the first bunch of seasons she was actually just annoying. The first time I appreciated any of Willow's dialogue was in season five, when Buffy finds out Spike has a crush on her and is going to confront him. Willow says "want me to come with, back you up with some scowling?" Then she scowls and it's kind of cute. And she has that great "I think this line's mostly filler" moment in the musical, also followed by a cute expression.
While I usually appreciate that she's a good friend to Buffy, it really irked me that during season six when Buffy was struggling with financial trouble, Willow and Tara never offered to help out. Even though they were living at her house. They could have at least let her have the master bedroom.
That being said, I grew to like Willow more in the last few seasons. And she had become honest to god foxy in the final year.
Character: Xander
Grade: D
Comments: A lot of this has to do with the actor's portrayal of Xander. I really hate that guy. I've seen him in a few interviews and he's on some of the audio commentaries. The guy is the anti-Xander. He comes across as somebody who would use his Buffy fame to get teenage girls to blow him, then laugh about it with all his buddies. He would have been great in the role of Parker, that rebound guy Buffy sleeps with. Not as the average Joe with the heart of gold or whatever the fuck he's supposed to be.
Plus, he isn't funny. It isn't the writer's fault, it's his. A better actor could make his Chandler-lite dialogue work.
Character: Cordelia
Grade: B+
Comments: Most of the legitimately laugh out loud shit during the first few seasons was said by Cordelia. As I've said, we certainly weren't hearing it from Willow or Xander.
I love that we started seeing Cordelia is actually a kind person, but I also like that she never really stops being a bitch either. It kind of sucked to see her go (I never bothered with Angel) but at least she made way for Anya, an even better character.
Character: Giles
Grade: A+
Comments: I love Giles. I like that the best TV dad of all-time has no children.
Like Buffy, it was during "Lie to Me" that I really started to like Giles. The speech he gives by the grave at the end. That was probably the episode that made me a die hard fan of the show.
He's the other character other than Buffy who, on occasion, makes me cry. His talk to Buffy in the car, after she first fights evil Angel is one of my favorite scenes.
He's also funny. I prefer dry Giles humor to the wordplay slangy shit the rest of them use. I actually do like this show, by the way.
One more thing, in that "Band Candy" episode, I totally believed Giles had reverted back to his young self. It was a brilliant performance and it makes total sense that Buffy's mom would want that guy to fuck her on the hood of a police car. Personally, I think young Giles could have done better.
Character: Angel
Grade: A-
Comments: A lot of that is because he made such an amazing villain in the second half of season two. He became such a sick and twisted fuck, which takes more than just vampire make-up.
But he did well with the good guy stuff too. It was easy to understand why Buffy would fall in love with him. If there's one thing I can't stand it's when we're expected to believe a character would be smitten by another character undeserving of smit. For example, why the fuck would Anya like Xander?
Buffy and Angel never presented that problem.
Character: Anya
Grade: A
Comments: Absolute brilliance. Anya seems like the kind of character who could have been insufferable (insufferable to the audience I mean, as the other characters are meant to find her insufferable, but endearingly so) if casted poorly. But what's her name is outstanding. The funniest character on the show. Also, why is an ex demon who's just learning to be human so easy to relate to?
Character: Spike
Grade: A+
Comments: I like how the cast of the show improved with each passing season, as opposed to my beloved Melrose Place where the story of seasons 5 onwards was a rotation of uninteresting throwaways.
Spike is an all around great character. His back history is always fun, he's the only character who at times is possibly funnier than Anya and he tends to make the other characters more interesting.
And he can act. It's never less than compelling watching a Spike scene. Whereas watching Xander display emotion is only slightly less troubling than any time Ian Ziering cried on Bevery Hills 90210.
Character: Riley
Grade: B
Comments: I used to go to this Buffy messageboard, where the dumb fucks would piss all over Riley but cream over Xander's every quip.
I also learned that most Buffy fans are fat cashier girls. The slightly hipper, less churchgoing cousin of the fat cashier girls who like Clay Aiken.
Anyway, there's not really anything I dislike about Riley. I'm sorta shallow, so my criteria for Buffy's boyfriends is mainy that they be fuckable. The longterm guys were always hot, but her Angel rebound guys were horrible. Scott Hope and that Parker guy.
I sorta would have liked to see more of Owen Thurman, the guy she went on a date with in the first season. The one who liked Emily Dickinson. Like maybe Xander could have died, and Owen could join the gang in his place.
Character: Dawn
Grade: B
Comments: I really like season five and Dawn was huge part of that storyline. So I can't not like her.
And I don't not like her anyway. Sometimes it's embarrassing to watch her because she's trying too hard to talk like Buffy. But that's what younger siblings are like, so I'll assume that's a character thing and not retardation on the actor's part.
Most of the time she's a really cool prop for the other actors to play off of. We get to be Spike be the big brother, and that makes us like Spike more. We get to see Anya talk down to her, and that makes us like Anya more. And we get to see Buffy jump into clouds of mystical energy, sacrificing herself to save Dawn (and the world) and that makes us like Buffy more.
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