can you tell me your experiences with it?
i am currently living with my brother, his wife and two kids while i wait for my USA visa to go through.
let's just say that it isn't the greatest.
they fight constantly...not about money but about chores, time spent with kids, etc.
they never used to be this way before they had children.
they used to be so in love, now i am scared that things might end up in divorce.
my sis-in-law wants them to try counselling, but my brother refuses.
being in this environment is seriously making me re-think wanting to have children of my own.
so for the married/common law people with kids on this board:
did your marriage change after you had children?

*subscribes*
i want to know too

it is scary, isn't it?
all this time i thought that i wanted children.
after being in this environment for a month, i think that i have completely changed my mind.
i am hiding out in my room right now, they just had a massive fight and i just feel awkward now.

i know, im supposed to be getting married in about a year and everyone keeps asking when im having kids. i have to imagine that its sooo much to have to be responsible for another life and keep your marriage happy.
I know so many people having babies and who have had babies and have had such good/bad experiences.
Dont change your mind over a bad couple though, they may have simply grown apart.

yeah, that is what i think as well.
actually, i think that they just got married and had kids all too fast.
they jumped into everything before they really got to know one another.
i think that jeff and i are pretty solid, we know how to communicate with eachother and we respect eachother.
we also know that we aren't ready to have children, heck we may not be ready for another 5 or 6 years.
but that is okay with us.
our parents have already asked when we are gonna start having our own family and it kinda bothers me.
i am just not there yet.
not at all.

my mother has gone so far as to start a box full of baby stuff for me.
oh, did i mention that im fucking 22???
im not letting anyone pressure me, i want to enjoy married life and not have to worry about anything except he and i for a loooong while.
if they rushed into marriage and babies then yeah, thats no good. im young and inexperienced in a lot of ways but even i know that thats a recipe for disaster.

Well I'm not going to lie....children cause more stress, exspecially when kids misbehave/test you. Realize every relationship is going to have it's problem weather it's relationship with the opposite sex or hell even just a regular friendship. The fights are actually healthy it's good to get things out in the open people can't just bottle up their emotions it's unhealthy.
usually after kids both partners usually feel one is taking on the bigger load and the other one isn't hardly helping. And that's probably the case with them.
Do they both work? Does one stay at home?
It is important that they talk about these problems straight up and resolve them.
Children will add more stress BUT children are not a CHORE...EVER! And if they are fighting over who needs to spend time with little suzy then they need to overlook their situation and talk about it. Obviously they aren't talking enough if they are constantly fighting over it all.
My partner and I split the chores, and we each have things we do with the kids. There are times we get fustrated at one another and feel that one is neglecting something we discuss it do something about it. End of story.
But if they think their kids are chores, they really need to sit and evaluate it cause they aren't...you are suppose to love and care for your kids without feeling forced into doing it.
And just because you see someone else struggling doesn't necessarily mean you will. Everyone is different, every relationship is different, it's all about teamwork and being on the same level and communication and being able to work together not against each other and always point fingers.

Yeah the relationship changes for the much worse after kids.

just subscribing. even though i do not plan on having kids i am getting married this fall and yes i am a bit freaked out.

__________________
then she dances skirt swaying in the half-light she dances white blossom in the black sky
'I need new clothes', she thinks, 'new skin, a mind I can bear to live in'.

congrats!
what is your wedding date?

thank you shanny!
the date is not set yet but we're thinking sometime in november.

__________________
then she dances skirt swaying in the half-light she dances white blossom in the black sky
'I need new clothes', she thinks, 'new skin, a mind I can bear to live in'.

^ congratulations on getting married !

I'm subscribing too.

My boyfriend's sister is married (5 years or something) and her kid is 1 year old. She is just in perpetual marital bliss, and this doesn't even reassure me because I just see it as a freak exception to the rule

awesome.
i am having a fall wedding, too.
we had to get married in march to speed up the immigration process, but we are having our big wedding reception/celebration on october 21st!

me not being able to have kids is the best thing thats ever happened to me, lol

here's my philosophy:
age 15, you start smoking
age 18, you start fucking
age 23, you start to settle down
age 29, you suddenly want a baby that will grow up and leave you

it's just another post-teen form of peer presure. no kids=freedom!, though a marriage would compromice this.

sorry, im british & cynical

x

i find this question really really hard to answer, i haven't voted in the poll because none of the answers are quite right - there's no doubt that parenting is exhausting & challenging but i find it hard to say if it's had a bad effect on my relationship with my husband and who wants a life without challenges anyway. At the same time i'm wary of making it sound like a fairytale or being blase or worst of all smug - yuck.

I think you're right that it's a good idea for a couple to spend 5+ years getting to know each other and building their relationship before having kids. Family members that are expecting people to have kids as soon as they say their vows are idiotic and you just have to try to tune them out, especially if you're still in your 20s. I remember my mother-in-law saying to my dad at my wedding that "hopefully they'll be grandparents soon", my dad who's a lot smarter than her said "i hope not too soon". We were really young, I was 22 my husband was 21, which makes her comment even more ridiculous. We had our 1st child after we'd been married 5 years (together 7) but it's impossible to say that things are great now because we waited or that if we hadn't everything would have fallen apart - there are just so many other factors in whether a marriage works. I think there's a lot of luck involved anyway, people change over time, i know my husband and myself have both changed since we got married but we've changed together rather than apart, i'm sure that's mostly luck.

if you want to know the bad stuff - we sometimes bicker about petty stuff, not usually parenting related, but more likely to happen when we're tired and have used up all of our patience on our daughter that we dont have much patience left for each other. I'm talking about really short exchanges that are over in a minute not full blown rows where you feel upset and bear grudges afterwards, i don't think we ever have those. Another thing i've noticed is that we tend to get snappy and bitchy at each other when we've forgotten to have sex for like 5 days or something. I say forgotten because after kids you obviously lose spontaneity and by the time you've got the kid(s) asleep you're knackered so you do have to make an effort with these things. But you'll also find out what early morning cartoons are for

But also, I think the stress from parenting that could weaken a marriage is balanced out by the good things that it brings to strengthen the relationship, you can't get a stronger tie to another person than having their child, there's no experience that is more deeply shared than that.

And you've got to remember that there are many things that can bring stress into a relationship even without kids such as money etc. that's just life - you need the bad stuff to make the good stuff good.

Shanny you sound really smart about your relationship, i don't think you should let your brother's marriage put you off having kids in a few years time, when you feel ready for it. it must be a horrible atmosphere to be caught up in but maybe you're just witnessing a bad patch. Or maybe it is the case that after the honeymoon period is over they're finding out they're not so well suited afterall, i hope not because that's very sad. I hope the kids aren't getting upset by all this.

thank you for your reply, veronicafever.
you really put things into a new light for me.
you are putting me at ease, i keep using my brother & sis-in-law as a comparison and i really shouldn't be doing that.
they are not ALL couples!
they are a completely different couple compared to my husband and i.
what i really should be doing is just focusing on us, our relationship and how WE would be with children.
i am almost 26, my husband is 27 and i do not think we will be having children anytime soon.
maybe in 5 years or so...we shall see.

on the other hand, my brother and his wife had a HUGE talk yesterday.
they are getting along a lot better now.
i think they just had to have a huge blow-up and talk things over.
i feel a lot better now, i don't want to see anything bad happen to them, i love them both to pieces.

i'm so glad they're talking, i hope things work out for them. maybe they can make the most of you staying with them and let you look after the kids for a while so they can get some time for the 2 of them (depending how old the kids are and if that's practical)

and congratulations on your marriage btw, i hope you and your husband have a wonderful life together!

without madison, my r'ship with my hubby was more of an easy going r'ship. we would go out to parties together or sometimes we go to the movies, we were more like teenagers before we had madi. but as soon as i got pregnant, things changed. we stayed home more often, rent a movie or two, sometimes even more and just have a simple movie marathon at home. we would cook together, do the laundry together, go to the grocery together.. did everything together. it is so much fun! when madi came into this world, life just got so much better, even if most of the time madison would give us sleepless nights. lol. my life with him when madi came just got better. even more sweeter!

so i dont think every couple is like your brother and his wife. it really depends on how you want to handle each other. i have always been a very proud girl, but this time i make sure that my love is greater than my pride. congratulations on your marriage! i wish you and your husband the best of everything!

married. wtf is this. if you dont start talking to me more, im going to....well, i dont know what yet, but im not happy about this!

lmfao