Well, I was going to make my first KR thread be about buying my co-op and moving, but I still haven't gotten around to that, and what decent kr thread tells a happy-ending story anyway?

Mr. Wildwomyn and I stopped using contraception in July. I sort of hoped maybe the fact that we absolutely, positively could not have stayed in the apartment we were living in if I got pregnant might actually speed the process up via Murphy's Law, although what I told him was that was extremely unlikely a woman my age would concieve in less than a year, especially since this was low-level trying, no charting, no scheduling of sex, etc. But, really, since we'd been arguing about trying for years, while he claimed that we needed more money and I tried to explain basic biology as it applied to our situation (I will be 39 this May), I really thought of ttc as a formality to be gotten out of the way before applying to be foster parents to a child legally freed for adoption. I cried non-stop for weeks, and then just sort of came out the other side.

During most of this time (since this summer) we were actively involved in the process of buying an NYC co-op and then moving, something we needed to do first (and needed to do for a number of reasons). We moved at the beginning of February. I was finishing up my period at the time we moved.

Several weeks later, there was blood on the toliet paper one morning. I actually thought 'maybe I had a really early miscarriage - that would mean I can get pregnant after all!' Then the bleeding got heavier, and I decided I had my period. I'm usually like clockwork, so the fact that it was a little early concerned me. But I figured the move was stressful, and I didn't know exactly when I got my last period, because our computer had died and taken my chart that went all the way back to 2000 with it. That was in late fall, and I didn't make a new chart because there was so much going on. I figured if anything else unusual happened, I would call the doctor. I did write the dates down, and it lasted about as long as my periods do.

Then, a week from last Saturday, something gushed out of me. I thought I'd wet myself - not that that is something that happens to me on a regular basis, I just couldn't imagine what else it could be. I went to the bathroom, and I saw the blood.

It did not actually occur to me for a while that I had a miscarriage. I called my gyn, and you couldn't even leave a message, although there was a number for emergencies. I wasn't in any physical pain, and I didn't feel dizzy or feverish, so I felt it probably wasn't an emergency.

I decided I was going into early menopause - as a best case scenario, otherwise I probably had cancer. I didn't let myself google anything, but I did take down Our Bodies Ourselves and check webmd, and they both basically said the same things, peri-menopause or cancer (and pregnancy complications, but always with the idea that you were supposed to know you were pregnant).

I got an appointment for Wednesday, and on Tuesday I decided to just pick up a pregnancy test and check. I bought a 2-pack. They both said yes.

Even though I just took the test to as an attempt to reassure myself I wasn't entering menopause or deeply ill, and I'd even thought of the idea of an extremely early miscarrage as a good sign in general, because I honestly didn't know if it could happen, when I saw that plus sign I wanted that baby so badly. I knew it was probably gone though.

The doctor confirmed it, gave me the '15-20% or more of pregnancies end in miscarriages, and we don't know why,' speech, and also confirmed that it was probably already too late when I thought I was menstruating, so calling a doctor then wouldn't have made a difference.

I was probably pregnant for about a month. No symptoms, other than the bleeding, and the fact that I didn't get my period last month. But the combination of those two things made me think nothing was too out of the ordinary. Now I feel like like I had a unique miscarriage, although I'm sure it's happened to other people. I didn't know, so I didn't have to have my heart broken after having my hopes raised, which I am thankful for. But, because I was pregnant for longer than is usual without knowing, it was a lot more than a heavy period when it ended, it was a sudden torrent of huge clots and strange, watery blood. In-between every account of miscarriages that I could find.

I did better than I thought I would, although I was weepy. I was doing pretty good at seeing the big picture - the fact that at my age, I conceived after only about six months of unprotected sex that was not arranged around my ovualation, with a man pushing 50 who smokes a lot of pot (in addition to the scheduling and the charting, cleaning up our lifestyle is on the list of things that 'getting serious' about trying would mean), actually does augur well for my chances of being able to have a baby.

I don't feel so good today though. Not really worse than I did before, but I sort of thought I'd be all ok by now. Over the last weekend (the week after it happened) I found myself sort of terrified by the physical experience. There has so far been considerably less physical pain than in my average period (which aren't very bad, the miscarriage has been basically painless, on a physical level), but I became grossed out remembering the huge clots, which I couldn't seem to keep my mind off of. Also, I realized I'll probably for a while have an intermittant fear that suddenly, out of nowhere, because it did seem to happen like that, a baby I didn't even know I was carrying will just fall out of me.

Today though, I wasn't really any better than I was last week, and what seemed mild when the situation was fresh is starting to seem like 'Excuse me you thought you - you - were going to have a miscarriage and just go on with life? At what point have you ever demonstrated a capacity to deal with things well?'

I'm still bleeding, and that's really bothering me (although still, no physical pain), I'm feeling like I can't move on, like I'm still having a miscarrage, not 'I had one.' I worry that I'll need a D&C (I have a follow-up appointment for Wednesday, the doctor will do an ultrasound and take blood again, to confirm that everything left on its own, and, if not, it will be medically dealt with), but more than that it is just bothering me. It's like when you break your arm, and you just can't believe there was ever a time when you were just walking around with two functioning arms, the rest of your life no longer seems real. It seems like there wasn't ever a time when this wasn't happening.

__________________
We are sorry, the mind you have reached is not a working mind.
Please hang up and die again.
Please hang up,
And die again.

this is heartbreaking, but also, like you said, a hopeful thing. it is a hopeful thing. i want to get pregnant too, and i have been preparing for these scenarios and worse, scenarios of spina bifida and downs, which are more likely to happen when we are our age.

how do you feel about trying again? or about trying to plan around ovulation? is mr. wildwoman interested in stopping pot or slowing considerably to help improve chances?

__________________
When I awoke, the Dire Wolf
Six hundred pounds of sin
Was grinning at my window
All I said was "Come on in".
Grateful Dead

Yeah, we want to do all those things. The plan had been to get to through the move first, which really only just happened (I must have conceived within a week of moving in). Now, the general idea is going back to at least unprotected sex after my next regular period, whenever that is. I suppose it might have been time to talk about if we'd gotten far enough past the ordeal of moving to start really planning the embracing sobriety and eating better and targeting sex to ovulation, if this hadn't happened.

__________________
We are sorry, the mind you have reached is not a working mind.
Please hang up and die again.
Please hang up,
And die again.

I am so sorry, doll.

You know where to find me if you need a shoulder.

__________________
C.J.: Is there anything I can say except, 'The President rode his bicycle into a tree'?
Leo: He hopes never to do it again?
C.J.: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.
Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree, CJ. What do you want me... 'The President, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop.' What do you want from me?
C.J.: A little love, Leo.

i am really sorry to hear that. miscarriages are hard on the body and the heart. take care of yourself.

__________________

i feel horrible that you are having to go through this
i too tend to not fully grasp the weight of a traumatic situation until some time has passed
it does feel especially awful when the lag time is over and the emotions and depth of the situation catches up to you
but cut yourself a bit of slack as far as feeling that you should be getting over it already
if you are still bleeding then you are still actually in the middle of it, i think you are feeling in exactly the way as can be expected of anyone dealing w. this
i think that part of what is delaying you from feeling like you are getting over this is that it is taking some time with having to go back to the doctors again, after your next appt maybe you will be able to start having a sense of closure hopefully- things can be extra difficult with some of this/whats going on w. your body exactly still being up in the air
i think like you said, and like geek confirmed try to focus on the less negative side of it, that you have a good chance of conceiving again and hopefully that means the outlook is good for you

__________________
should i choose a noble occupation
if i did i'd only show up late and sick
and they would stare at me with hatred
plus my only natural talent's wasted

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know it seems surreal walking around around all this shitty stuff is going on inside of you. The bleeding is the worst part. I hope it stops soon, but your doctor will tell you if you need the D&C. I'm praying that you won't.

if you want to have a baby and when you are ready to concentrate on it, you will be ready to do it. Stopping birth control and not really paying too much attention to it is one things, but when you want to focus on it, you will be ok. I do have to say, if you want babies, trying again as soon as the doctor gives the go ahead is the best way to get over a miscarriage.

It was for me. I had my first miscarriage when I was 9 weeks which was shitty because I had just found out I was (we were trying) and I blabbed to EVERYONE. That was stupid. I didn't have to have a D&C.
The second one sucked. I was further along, we had be trying and I needed a D&C. I won't get into the third.

ANYWAY, I know I don't know you at all but you are not alone. If you need to vent or anything, I am only a PM away.

I have two kids btw. One is 14 and the other is 12. I had the first two miscarriages before I had my oldest kid.

Don't be discouraged and give yourself some time to heal and have the symptoms stop. That will really help you move forward.

Hey WW, I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sure this won't remotely make you feel better, but it is said that most first pregnancies end in miscarriages. One of my close friends found out she was pregnant at the age of 23. She was petrified as she wasn't trying. Not long after she found out she had a miscarriage. It was sad, but we sorta saw it as a blessing. But not long after that she was pregnant with her daughter who will be turning 6 this year. Also, my bf's cousin had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy and she now has an adorable little girl who will be one this year.

I'm sure once things settle down with your move things will be better for you. Our bodies go insane under stress. So keep practicing

__________________
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. "

-from the goddess that is Anaïs Nin

I have not gone through a miscarriage, but my mom has many times and the last time it was when she was 40 or so. Even though she didn't know she was pregnant and knew she couldn't afford another child, she was upset for some time. I didn't know what to say. It felt like a territory I wasn't old enough to deal with, but more than that, it was something I had never experienced and therefore how could anything I could say make things better. Pregnancy, whether wanted or not, is an intense experience. I mean even the desire to be pregnant brings out behaviors and feelings I didn't know I had. In any case, the way you characterized the way that you feel about this is very poignant for me...not that I have been pregnant, but I deal with a lot on a daily basis and that sort of out of body I can't imagine how it felt like to be normal feeling haunts me.

I commute through Midwood a lot because of a job I have and this past week every time I've passed by there I have wondered where your apartment is. Perhaps I have been feeling the intense emotional waves as I pass through in the bus. I wish you the best of luck with your next attempt and hopefully your partner is being as supportive as possible.

__________________
"We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation," she told the crowd.

In my experience, you have to think of a miscarriage as your body's way of telling you that there was something wrong with the foetus. It just wasn't meant to be.

Also, as your body was preparing itself for pregnancy you might find yourself pregnant again quicker than you expected. I know more than a few people who have miscarried then got pregnant again within a very short space of time.

Whatever your (if you have any) faith, this is one of those times that you have to believe that there are some things that are out of your control.

Take the time to grieve and draw on support from those around you when you need it.

__________________
Sorry 'bout the fire
Sorry 'bout the torch
Sorry i had to have my revenge

Two million years of human evolution and that's the best idea you can come up with?

i don't know that this response was appropriate... sorry.

__________________

Maybe you could send him like a coat hanger or soup mix in the mail with a post it-
"when you paint with your eyes closed, you never become picasso, you just become an ironic narcissist with uncomfortable shades".
Throwing people off is thrilling.

-ktlr

i'm very sorry to hear about this. i don't know what else to say except i hope you are doing as well as you can be and start to feel better soon.

i'm very sorry to hear this. my thoughts are with you and mr. wildwomyn.

__________________

Thank you everybody - everybody who posted, and everybody who sent me a pm or rep, I really appreciate it.

It occured to me when I was walking home from the subway tonight that I was pregnant most of the time I've lived here so far. It ocurred to me before that it might have actually happened the very first time we had sex here.

I have heard that many first pregnancies end in miscarriages, and I know a lot of women who lost their first pregnancy and went on to have healthy babies. I feel now like that won't happen to me, but of course, I felt before like I wouldn't ever get pregnant. "I never get anything right the first time," Mr. Wildwomyn offered when I was talking about that. Then I tried to make jokes about contractors in my womb not being done when they said they would be, so the move-in date had to be pushed back. I couldn't come up with anything that was particularly funny, except that all contractor jokes are automatically kind of funny to a couple who've just been through that special hell. The reason I think it probably happened the first time we had sex here is that we didn't do it for like a week - the contractors weren't done when we moved in, and the new carpets hadn't been installed, so we were basically living in a construction site with tacks all over the floor, no place where you'd want to do something that might cause even a momentary lapse in awareness of physical surroundings, especially while naked.

I'm still not doing well, I wonder if I should have taken time off of work. I did tell my boss, but I didn't ask to be relieved of any of my current deliverables or anything. I told her last Friday, when I still thought I was handling it so well, and I pretty much figured it would be over by the next week.

I hope that going to the doctor tomorrow will help. I know at least that I'll find out if there are any complications, but that's really a secondary issue for me now. I just want the bleeding to stop so I can feel like it's over.

__________________
We are sorry, the mind you have reached is not a working mind.
Please hang up and die again.
Please hang up,
And die again.

I really think you should take time off work. A miscarriage is a genuine loss, especially for someone that wants a child. I think you should have a few days to mourn and make peace with it all.

__________________
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."

"I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing."

"I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. "

-from the goddess that is Anaïs Nin

Yeah, I probably should. Since I haven’t really felt physically unwell, I had thought I could just keep going to work, I figured that I would sit around at home hysterical about the miscarriage and my work load, but I’m not really getting too much done, so it would probably be better to have been officially out sick. I just emailed my boss, and I sort of indicated that depending on what the doctor says today I might have to take some time – I didn’t really lie, if the bleeding isn’t stopping on its own very soon, I probably will need medical intervention, but mostly I just can’t deal with it emotionally. I almost feel like a guy, or a kid, someone who hasn’t had a period every month for the last quarter-century, because the bleeding is starting to freak me out a lot, and that’s without even really considering whether it means anything dangerous, I just can’t take the fact of it anymore.

__________________
We are sorry, the mind you have reached is not a working mind.
Please hang up and die again.
Please hang up,
And die again.

Let us know how you are.

__________________
When I awoke, the Dire Wolf
Six hundred pounds of sin
Was grinning at my window
All I said was "Come on in".
Grateful Dead