http://www.enotalone.com/article/1097.html

Self-Love : Is It Selfish?


The song "Greatest Love of All," written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed (performed by Whitney Houston) contains the following lyrics: "I found the greatest love of all/Inside of me/ ... Learning to love yourself/It is the greatest love of all." There are many types of love that we have for the people in our lives: love for a romantic partner or spouse, for our family, for our children, for our friends, for humanity, in general, and for ourselves. Which of these is most important? Which should be our first priority? Is self-love the "Greatest Love of All"? Or is it selfish and self-indulgent?

Suppose you find your "soul mate" and feel that all-encompassing love that everyone seems to seek... Should you love yourself above your soul mate? Should your self-love mean more to you than your soul mate's love for you? What about your parents, your children, and/or your friends? Should you put your love for yourself before your love for them? Although I believe that love for others is extremely important, I believe that self-love should - and must - come first.
What about you? Do you agree? Or are you cringing? Do you feel uneasy with this idea? Or does it make perfect sense? We hear, over and over again, "Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself, first." The saying has almost become a cliché. Yet, on some level, many of us feel uncomfortable with this. Why might this be so?

So many of us, especially women, are caregivers. Whether we wear the label of spouse, parent, nurse, doctor, teacher, counselor, volunteer worker, or any of a host of other identities, many of us tend to put the needs of others before our own needs. We try to please and care for others first, often putting ourselves last. In many cultures, women, especially, have been rewarded for being caregivers - and sometimes punished for not exhibiting those qualities.

In my counseling practice, I encounter a lot of people who believe that to love yourself, or to give to yourself, is a "bad" thing. They see this as "selfish" or "self-centered." I recall an example from my own youth. As a teenager, I wanted to be a performing artist. I loved to be onstage, especially in musicals when I got to sing solos. Admittedly, as a particularly romantic teen dealing with the joys and tears of crushes and heartbreaks, I had a way of creating some drama in the rest of my life, as well. Once in a while, my mother would admonish me by saying, "You always wanted to be the center of attention!" The tone in which she made this statement clearly conveyed that I should feel ashamed of myself. It worked: I did. Whether or not she intended it, I got the message that expressing myself in any way that might be different, that might call attention to myself, was deplorable... and to enjoy my own talents, to recognize my gifts -- or (God forbid) to feel good about myself -- was even worse!

My mother was very concerned about preventing her children from becoming conceited. It never occurred to her that she might want to put as much effort into fostering our self-esteem. I can't really blame my mother: like all of us, she is a product of her generation and culture. She only taught what she had learned, herself. I find it a shame, though, that our culture seems to create so many people who lack self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love. I think that our main focus, especially with children, should be on "building them up." Instead, so many people look to "take someone down a peg" if that person seems too "cocky" or self-confident.

When I talk of self-love, I am NOT advocating that we should stop caring for others, and just focus on ourselves. Being in service and giving back to your community is something I believe is very important. Showing kindness to others and demonstrating our caring for our loved ones is a key to having a fulfilling life. However, maintaining a balance is critical. You cannot keep giving to others if you do not give to yourself, first. It is like pouring water from a vessel: you cannot pour and pour without ever refilling it - eventually, it will run dry. Like that vessel, we, too, need to refill, recharge, and re-energize. We need to replenish ourselves, by loving and giving to ourselves.

Learning to love yourself may be the greatest love you ever experience and achieve. Self-love is not "selfish" or bad. When you love yourself, you will feel good about yourself, and you will feel better about the world. This will make it easier for you to give love to others. Especially if you are a parent or any type of caregiver, you must not forget to take time out to care for yourself. When you take time to re-energize, you will have more energy both for yourself and to share with the people you love and those in your care. The person who feels self-love is generally happier and much more pleasant to be around than the person who lacks self-love and self-esteem. Embodying self-love is the greatest example we can set for our children, for our loved ones, for our friends, and for all those we encounter in our lives.

Yeah, we know, you love yourself Paladin. Someone has to, I suppose...

ya mean like so?

masturbation's great!

everyone should do it.

most of your topics belong in Spirituality and Philosophy. (to Paladin)

These topics are integral to the original topic about abortion, rape, violence, and abuse of women. I want us to address the root causes of the problems women face. CHOICE starts with the personal choices a woman makes earlier in her life. Some choices were made by her parents, peers, environment, etc. I suggest women think about the men they CHOOSE to have relationships with.

They're taking the piss. Self-love. get it? masturbashun. huh huh. huh huh. yeah. huh huh . huh huh.

I probably agree, if i count on one hand the number of people i know whose lives are a big shatty mess, they are generally the ones who not only don't have a comfortable grasp of themselves, but also those who have an unhealthy grasp of themselves and the world around them. I think self-love is a precursor to loving others. After all, how can one be expected to fill someone else's cup when theirs is nearly empty?

I think violence, and abortion, have very similar roots. If one does not have compassion for themselves, it is damn hard for them to care about anyone or anything else. Women who are raped by men they voluntarily went with may fall victim to unconscious self-loathing. Why would you date a hotshot liar when you know he is full of BS. he's the same kind that won't give a rat's arse about the woman when he wants sex. Women who are turned on by men who seek power, status, and money are women whose CHOICE is narcissist over decent guy.

Get a clue, darlings. Liars do NOT provide you with your freedom of CHOICE. Control is their game. Women are narcissists and want to control also!

They certainly may.
Because otherwise all those "I had sex with luftwaffe and all I got was an std" shirts would remain unsold.

Really though, if all rapists were detectably obvious hotshot liars it would make things a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, they are not.

agreed. And I know a few who admit this.

You obviously have no true empathy or understanding of women and part of figuring out what you like is making mistakes. Process of elimination.

I think many women know what the man they date is giving them a lot of BS. I imagine it's hard when you want to be lied to. I never lied to a woman, or flattered her beyond a realistic level. I always felt it would be too hard to keep up the pretense. A (girl) friend told me she was dating a guy who was in pre-med. Three years later, after they were married, he was working as an orderly. i think she may have considered dating me had she not fallen for his pitch.

I always tell the bliunt truth. I am a carpenter. That may not sound important--so I fall back on "Dad" in a pinch.

ohh so that's why men lie to women.

because we want them too!

thanks, paladin.

you've solved yet another one of life's great mysteries, right here on kittyradio.

douche bag.

umm...

In the construction industry, as with most activities where the customer is always right, a smart business person learns quickly that the woman of the household is not so interested in the truth as she is in hearing what makes her feel good. This makes it rather difficult at times to read their minds. They will think they want one thing, and later they will find reasons why YOU misinterpretted what they wanted. My job is complicated, but it is not rocket science. I know what I hear, and I know what they want, so I have been known to argue with my customer to insure that the job is done professonally.

A contractor told me recently that I have failed to make good money because I failed to understand the principle--"most people want to be lied to". As an honest person I have never adopted a work ethic that serves these desires. Sorry for being such an honest jerk!

you make relationships sound like fuckin buisness transactions, that's pretty twisted.

and i just fucking love how you generalize and stereotype.

just because you're fifty-two years and have been married to a wonderful woman for twenty-odd years while being in love with another woman... blah blah blah...

i see no reason why this makes you some sort of an expert on women.

cause i'll tell ya, the women in your life are pretty twisted themselves as far as i'm concerned.

there is no self to love

Well, you got me there. These women are twisted. My wife is very, very happy right now. I can't take the credit, but she has read a few books I suggested.

The other woman is very, very happy too. Just visited us last week and she sent me an email last night to let me know how things are going. I'll paste it in here for ya--

I've been teaching them about self-love and I support them 100%. They are both witnessing some regular and profound synchronicity. I taught them how to enjoy Marerophilia.

I believe a relationship is like being connected by a toilet paper leash.

~One by one~

u saying your booty is a mirage
on an island?
it seems so REAL

is this the masturbation support group?

lol