my problem is that i have lots of issues with love and excepting love and i am just so horrible to my boyfriend. i provoke arguments and then i cut. probably because i think then he will be nice to me. he is nice to me most of the time and is very loving and tells me he loves me all of the time. but i only feel it after an argument when i cut. i think this is because i associate love with arguments and cruelty because of things that happened in my childhood.

i know i need to change and associate love with when we are happy together. i know that if i continue how i am i will never be able to be in a normal happy relationship. but i dont know how and im scaring my boyfriend and pushing him away and just generally being a bitch and acting in horrible ways i want to change.

can anyone relate to this? i feel like I’ve been conditioned as a child to associate love with cruelty and i know this is a really bad position to be in.
i just wanted to vent about this really. i dont know if it really belongs in 'love and relationships'.

i associate. i dont know how to change though, im trying to relax and let things go.

i'm completely with you.

i have two daughters and i'm trying really really really hard to change this. like really right now.

it's embedded in me. my grandfather completely left my grandmother to take care of 5 kids (my mom being the youngest at 6 weeks) and his own mother by herself. my mother got pregnant with me when she was 16 with my father who was in his 30s and was a professional that traveled. she got mad at him when he went to do a world tour and when he came back she wouldn't let him see me and i can't even type this without wanting to stab her in her eyes. so i look exactly like him and nothing like her and when we were in counseling when i was 15 she admitted hating me because of it. i got to grow up in a psycho household with a fucked up stepdad who's currently in jail for sleeping with a 15 yr old student of his DON'T YOU LOVE HIGHSCHOOL MATH TEACHERS.
i found the perfect person when i was 16 and yeah i look at it now like all 'we were young and dumb' but he loved me and was in love with me and he was the best father ever and i made him leave. i took my daughter's father away from her because i didn't think i deserved him and i knew i must have just been lucky and i wanted to push him away before he got smart and left me. and he never would've left me but man he was beautiful and smart and responsible and great and genius and i left him and months later i was found by a sociopath who hurt me over and over again but i stuck it out because hey i've made mistakes and i'm a forgiving person and perfect person #1 tries and tries to come back and prove to me he's in it for the long run and i threw it away AGAIN and two years later and pain pain pain later i have daughter #2 with sociopath and he's can't handle it and is fucking gone and i thought i needed that i thought i needed my heart broken and needed to be like shit.

i've currently ended up with a guy that is way way way younger than me and i am diong everyuthing i can to fuck it up and i'm sure i'll never be able to be in a healthy relationship ever
but i so want my daughters to be ok. better than ok. better than me/

i do this too, a lot. quite often with friends actually.

the last girl i was with i'd finally started to get over it when she left me for someone else. nice one. talk about two steps forward and four steps back

so i'm staying away from relationships for a while. i'm obsessed with being in love, when i'm there i'm the happiest person in the world. but it consumes too much of me and i just don't think i can function properly. i need to work out how to be myself before i can be someone's other limb.

oh fuck i realised how cheesy that sounded. but i meant i need to learn how to deal with things on my own terms, because i don't really do that very well.