Amity, **** all those other threads I made out of here. This is the main thread I will post in now. You asked for a tidy forum, so here it is. Please do not move this thread to rants and raves. Okies?

Well, my buddy's life is in ruins. He gets 2x money I do, and drinks 80 units daily. Smokes crack, heroin, weed, takes K, anything he can score. He is a manic depressive and takes olanzapine for that condition.

For the past week, the meds do not seem to help his manic episodes. He is always hysterically laughing. Tonight, he was literally rolling on the floor laughing.

Hate seeing him like this. He must be hurting bad inside. His gf left him and I stabbed him in the back, right in front of his face, with her.

He goes out every weekend, and fights in the city with bouncers and random tramps. He got his ribs broke, his lip cut from top to bottom, locked in a cell too many times and being in court w/ him is insane.

Orchestral told me to take a break from KR, and go out for a bit instead. So I did. Tonight. And ****, I said to him "Do you want me to hang myself out the window?"

Yeah, keep getting suicidal thoughts that do not act on.

His problems are a lot worse than mine. He's falling, slowly, but surely, into the gutter again. And bringing me with him. But, what am I supposed to do? If he takes one I take two?

Well, **** does not work that way. I take everything for myself. And leave him to go to bed. Then, I come home, back in Channel Broadcasting Radio, talking to 'Mericans.

They've got the Guns, which makes me feel all warm inside.

Some of you here think all because I drink a few T's a night, that my life is ****ed. If you cannot handle me, my friends would **** your brain.

Woke up screaming, saw a mophead standing above me. Took a swing at it. The hallucination faded. All the weed around here is gettng sprayed.

Cannot take the green.

My connections are dying. Buddies ideals degraded. No morals. KWIMS?

So, what do we do now? Where do we go? What next? Heard this tune today. On Magic. Said, "You are going to be somebody."

Buddy wanted to listen to the WHOLE ****ING SONG. Talking about **** like 'Driving in my car'.

You want to know what I thought? Sure, buy yet another house, a car, then drive round scoring every day and **** everything yet again. Get a girl, smack that ***** up, put her on the game, and make her work it.

Then I woke up from that dream. Wiped my face, my eyes, my lips, and took a walk home. No taxi. No credit.

Let me tell you something. This is pretty old. Going back two decades for myself alone. But, life is a trip, and it is not in order. You gotta retune the memory to make sense of it. I do that a lot. On here. When I was much younger. And not online. I used to spend an hour each night in bed just inside my head retuning the memory. Then, I opened my mind. Took a walk around. Got other people to rearrange my memory. Day became night, and night became day.

That was a long time ago. But, do you ever play the game of life? Like, plant seeds in the stream? I do that all the time. Just trying to crack the system. Start a war. Blow it up with bombs.

My favourite routine was Leary, singing about "Eat a ****ing cheeseburger with WWIII on the TV."

That sounds pretty neat.

Peace.

Shotty, you the illest.

Aint' that the truth.

Firstly, thanks goes out to Amity for obliging my wishes late last night. We had a real nice chat as I descended into a drunken stuper and eventually passed out in bed.

To Turning, Amity, and Orchestral: I know I have a drink problem. Be it a minor one. Or, perhaps not so minor. I get cramps, turn freezing cold, and ache in the mornings when I do not drink for about 4 hours after waking. To be honest, it feels and tastes just like heroin.

Made a promise to myself. That I was going to stay in this Winter. See, for years I've gone out every ****ing day, made long tings around the city, just for a fix. No matter what the weather. What my health was like. I HAD TO GO OUT.

Went thru absolute hell quitting the opiates. Too many times to go back on them. But, obviously I cannot do sober. So, I replaced the opiates with a lesser known pain killer. Alcohol.

Now, I admit, I'm an alcoholic. Only a wee one tho. But, the problem signs are already there. (See above).

Why do I drink? Well, when I got reduced down to 1.6mg of Subutex ~ something started happening with my body. Firstly, the pain from the anti-psychotics returned. My **** turned to water. And, I couldn't sleep at night from what I thought was Restless Leg Syndrome. Many, many sleepless nights. Too many. So, one started drinking.

The Doctor wants me to stop drinking. But, I cannot sleep. The RLS Meds do NOT help. This MIGHT be a blood disease symptom. Since, the blood is in my muscles. Really need to research this on Google today. When I got my straight hat on. But, I know alcohol and opiates work to ease the symptoms of achey muscles. I mean, I never knew I had it on Subutex! Oh, those years were heaven and hell combined. No pain, great times on the toilet, sleeping long hours. Well, longer than I do now on alcohol at least.

But, the mornings. ****. The mornings before collecting my meds were hell. Entering withdrawal every ****ing morning and being beaten down to a shaking mess and having to go to the city like that was pure humilation. After a few years, people would shout abuse at me. For being a heroin addict. Things like "Baghead" and "Smackhead".

When I was on Subutex. I led a productive life. Went to college, got top marks on the course. Thinking of going back to the Job Centre and returning to work. But, after stopping medication, and the Subutex. ****, my life has taken on a downward spiral.

No motivation. No ambitions any more. Stopped all the programming jobs I had on. This is also due to being told about the blood disease. My head's in bits over that.

See, I actually got told about this disease when I had my appendix out. But, I ignored it. Then, a few years later. They tell me again. In full effect. They say, you CAN lead a long life. Ra Ra Ra. Wheel chairs. Blindness. Cancer. Osteoperosis. Artheritis.

My jaw already has artheritis. And sometimes for a week or so I cannot close my mouth or eat hard food. Marijuana seems to help with the pain for this. I know, I know, you think I want the ganja. But, I do not want the ganja. I want morphine for the pain.

At the moment the GP and Consultant refuse to give me anything to treat me because of the alcohol.

Is that legal? FFS.

Yeah, I know, I'd double dose the **** with opiates and alcohol. And prolly go over.

Okies, it is 8:08am in the morning, I'm finished for a few hours. Got errands to run. Gotta get that 2003 book I published posted to Lita.

You should detox from everything.. go away somewhere camping and ride it out.

Holy bat****, robin! I cannot do that! That'd be suicide.

Oh dear. Kym actually txt'ed today. Yes. An actual txt from Kym. Not her bf.

She is kinda embarrassed about all the 'omg I died kthxbai!' **** she posted on the Internet.

AND ~ now that she has a job ~ is even more depressed at the tributes I made on the Internet for her.

Stress.