all right so my mom died almost 4 yrs ago when i was 17
she had been sick since i was 5
i was an only child


i was just rummaging through this drawer trying to find my portable am/fm radio so i could listen to the radio before i went to bed
and i found an old journal of hers. which was weird because i use this drawer like literally every day and i had never seen this thing before

i felt really guilty reading it.
and i feel even more guilty talking about it but i just feel really weird about everything that i read

how do you think of your parents as people OUTSIDE the notion that they are your parents?

i mean, if you found out something, maybe shocking, maybe just unexpected, about one of your parents, what would you think?
obviously it doesn't change anything about me or her, and she will always be my mom who i loved (we were VERY close)
but i will think of her in a different way i think. and i don't know if that's for good or bad because maybe i should remember her how i knew her when i was little? but maybe it's good because i am getting a more complete version of the picture

anyway the journal only goes for about a month and ends the day she found out she was pregnant with me.
i would go into more detail but i doubt you care very much.
if anyone is interested i am willing to be specific

i just want your thoughts

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The greatest asset they all have is themselves. And yet does anybody promote that to them? Does anybody tell them that they are the greatest asset they have? Or are they steered to idol worship? Are they moved, are they motivated, are they inspired to look at the president or any politician as their only salvation? If they are, it's just a shame.

Please go on... there are so many things I have found out about my parents from other family members that I can't share with them being alive and well

so I get it.

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...the outcome Believing, knowing belief stands to oppose truthFully aware and unwilling to change

i think that's actually a really neat thing that you got to know a little bit more about your mom but not as your mom, just as her being her own person.

it's one of the things i'm really grateful for in my relationship with my parents since becoming an adult. i like getting to know them on a different level than them just being parents.

when i was a teenager i came across something (typed i think it was?) that my mom had written about crap w. her and my dad up until who knows when after i was born (they divorced when i was about 4)
idk about you but for me the info in it was tmi and upsetting and can still be now if it comes to mind for whatever reason
so yeah, i get it

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should i choose a noble occupation
if i did i'd only show up late and sick
and they would stare at me with hatred
plus my only natural talent's wasted

oh wow. i think i'd shit my pants if i were you. what else does it say? what does she say about being pregnant with dithy?

most of my mother's stuff was burned because she didn't want my father snooping in it anymore. that makes me even more mad at him. but i did find something once that she wrote after they split up (when i was about three) and it was really deperessing. it was about how she didn't care anymore and she wasn't going to have feelings anymore. the last line was:

you're a shell.
believe it.