okay real talk parent stuff confusion - Page 4

Dithyrambic · #16 10-27-2009, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyplotte

dont ever stress about being a better daughter. the fights and weirdness are all part of having a daughter. you expect it and even almost want it as a rite of passage. you know that in order for girls to grow up, they need this rebellion against parents and searching for themselves. i mean i dont know what you were like, im just assuming, but moms expect that of their daughters.

and she really really wanted you adn i bet she loved having you.

thank you so much.

i mean, it is something that we talked about right before she died.
it is guilt for crazy things. - wishing i had spent every moment at home with her instead of out with friends (she said she was glad i had friends)
- we had just moved and gone through a lot of shit that year and i wasn't too gung-ho about getting up the christmas tree. I didn't know it would be her last Christmas, but she did (and didn't want to say). So now I feel guilty about not letting her see all her Christmas decorations one last time (now I put them out every year like a nutcase. There are BOXES AND BOXES of decorations). It makes me cry just to think about it. She just wanted to see all her cute stuff out one more time, and I was selfish and didn't want to help. It GUTS me.
-Spending all my time as a teenager in the other room on the internet (mainly KRing) when I should have been with her doing something

I mean I guess its things I couldn't have known but. It just kills me

dirtyplotte · #17 10-27-2009, 04:20 AM

dithy you were living your life! it's impossible to keep up crisis mode 24/7. you were doing exactly what you needed to do as a teenager and believe me, she knew it. same goes for christmas decorations. yes, she would have liked to see them out, but absolutely no blame goes to you being a teenager. none. NONE!

i sometimes think about dying early. i mean it wouldnt be super early im almost 40, but seth is 5 and i want another kid. i could get cancer and die in my 50's and seth would still be young. i would not ever ever ever want for seth to worry over how he treated me growing up. i know he is doing what he needs to do. i mean, if he started hitting me or something, well... i wouldnt like that. but i expect and want very much for him to grow up as normally as possible. and that includes having big yelling fights sometimes, as well as just not wanting to put out christmas decorations because its lame or hokey. when youre older, you learn to appreciate the effort of decorating, but its assumed that teenagers think its ridiculous.

Black Mambo · #18 10-27-2009, 05:19 AM

Like geek says, you definitely can't beat yourself up over not doing decorations that one christmas. Teens will be teens, and your mother surely knew that. She may not have seen the decorations that year but she saw you being you, a growing girl with all of the things that come with that. Don't think that wasn't special to her, even if you were a grumpy teen like the rest of us.

And honestly, even if you weren't a teen when she died, and even if you had put up the decorations for her last xmas, I do think most people will find something/anything to hold in their heart as regret when they lose a loved one, even if it's not fair on themselves to do so. I know I still don't feel 100% right about not visiting my dad for his last two weeks, even though it was a rational decision I made at the time for his sake and mine. For some reason it still feels wrong, like I should have been there, even if he had no clue who I was, even if my presence freaked him out or confused him, even if it was murder to see him like that, and even though I knew, if he was lucid, that he'd be devastated to know that I had seen him like that. It just feels wrong.

I must admit I feel I'm missing the insight into my dad's life that I'd maybe have had if he was still around. The good news is, I'm more close to my mum since he passed than I think I'd ever have been otherwise. And I feel we can talk about anything, and that's amazing. I kind of wish I could have had that with my dad to the same extent.

But it's nice that my mum can tell me things about my dad's past, at least about how he was a guy in his early 20s when they met. A player of a guy, pissed around every girl he had because he knew he could, and then my mum came along and got played too but played him right back. And then it was love.

I adore those little bits of insight. Even the stuff that shows him in a bad light.

Wildwoman · #19 10-27-2009, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyplotte

i expect and want very much for him to grow up as normally as possible. and that includes having big yelling fights sometimes, as well as just not wanting to put out christmas decorations because its lame or hokey. when youre older, you learn to appreciate the effort of decorating, but its assumed that teenagers think its ridiculous.

Yes, that is how I feel as a mother also. All the cross streets on Ocean Parkway have sea creatures assigned and I read the plaques on the path when I walk with my baby: "Look John, it's the Parkville Puffer! The 18th Avenue Anchovies!" I expect that when he's a little older he will read/recite them with me, and then one day he will cut me off with "Mom, I don't care about the dumb old Newkirk Needlefish, geez!" And then someday if he walks down Ocean Parkway with his own children he will read every single one and talk about how his mother always read them to him. I so hope that he never feels like he hurt me by outgrowing it.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but also that your mother wouldn't want you to. She wanted you to be you, and you were being a normal teenager.