what happened:

i have an appt. to get anxiety meds because i feel NORMAL on them, HOWEVER, they told me i could drop by "emergency services" to get meds if i needed some for attacks sooner than that. as in, fast-acting when you need the anxiety to stop right away.

i sat waiting for fucking THREE HOURS. surrounded by a bad fucking reenactment of one flew over the cuckoo's nest. my god.

and they give me a script for an SSRI (anti depressant) and an antihistamine/hypnotic.

antihistamine/hypnotic = Vistaril which is basically benedryl times ten with crazy side effects.

i went to the grocery store after they gave me one dose of it and i suppose i was more relaxed but it wasn't like CLARITY relaxed, it was like TIRED relaxed.
it did make me sleep but i also sat for about thirty minutes nodding off and having crazy miniature dreams before i realized i needed to get to bed

useless bitching:

dr. phil watching, tj maxx shopping, people-on-a-conveyor-belt of cliches so you can get your paycheck psychiatrists can go straight to hell. i'll take a pill pusher apathetic old-fashioned croacker any day of the fucking week, and that's coming from someone who doesn't even want to abuse the shit.


my question to KR:

so before, i told them i had never taken meds before. this is a lie. i am going to tell them i was on SSRI's and it didn't do anything for me. i will tell them i lied because i thought it was irrelevant.

i am going to straight up tell them what i think i need - a light benzo - and i will even say it is for short term use.

do you think this will get me nowhere or do you think it really depends on the doctor? i think my only choice here is to be more upfront and if they say no to try somewhere else - the problem is i dont have insurance. is it easier to find more apathetic pill pushing types when you have it? i'm going to sign up for medicaid soon but that's all down the line and my appt is not too far away.

so, tell the truth and see what happens. do you think they will def. think i'm a drug addict?

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gonna get my walkie talkie, and some mustard and some mayonnaise, and a mermaid, and some macaroni, bricks, and some telephone wires, and phone machines

they all suck
and they all push
its just a matter of getting the pills you want pushed at you
i found in my latest quest, with my new dr that the fact i have taken so many types of things in the past was to my advantage

so def mention that you have had whatever you have had in the past

for me i am able to say i know what works for me and though he is now by the second visit already disappointed and being a dick becuase he hasn't been successful in pushing a daily med on me i am still able to get the Rx i do want from him

which is prob about as good as its gonna get i figure

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should i choose a noble occupation
if i did i'd only show up late and sick
and they would stare at me with hatred
plus my only natural talent's wasted

hypnotics are evil imo

and is that how the ssri was for you?

what is your more long term goal w. the meds because if you only get a short term rx of benzos you'll be right bac k where you started in no time

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should i choose a noble occupation
if i did i'd only show up late and sick
and they would stare at me with hatred
plus my only natural talent's wasted

okay, at my real appt i'm going to tell them i've been through the slew of meds (non benzo) when i was a teen. and had. izzuez. or thought i did. you know, all that shit which is irrelevant to me at this point.

i've taken benzos before but they were other peoples - xanax, librium, whatever. from various sources. never long term but the short term was basically, well.

what i need all the time. or at least for a while so i can live like that and then profit from the results.

so i will just tell them i've been on the other shit next time. and the vistaril was horrible. and i am not depressed.

and hopefully it was just the "emergency" doc who was a fucking moron.

but so was i for expecting they'd give me what i need for just showing up as a new patient saying "give me something for anxiety now".

what a long, fucked up process.

when i get a job i'm going to go back to getting them from foreign countries online

but i wanted something for the now. oh well. OH WELL. i guess they want people like me to drink instead. and like. crash into a tree. or break an arm. and make more money for their industry. more money and less normalcy

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gonna get my walkie talkie, and some mustard and some mayonnaise, and a mermaid, and some macaroni, bricks, and some telephone wires, and phone machines

it depends of the doctor.

i used to be able to have the talent to get what i wanted or more when i was into this kind of thing. a doctor looks at me wants to give me all drugs he's heard of.

or maybe they do that to everyone.

but maybe you could say "i feel much better when i take ---, i think it was better than ----"

i take antihistamine for allergies?

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No tongue, my lipstick!