Blacker Media • Today was murder... ♥

This is the full blog entry here. Please read my blog entry for the full story above.

But, to cut it short - I rattled today for 5 hours. Without subutex. Without heroin. Without anything. I was clean - and it was HELL. and HELL IS COLD.

I had the shakes, chest pains - I basically thought I was going to die. It was that bad. The pharmacy could not apologise enough. That was decent of them. THey know I went thru HELL today.

So, any one else had a bad day today?

To make things worse - I went to college rattling, waiting for my subutex, and printed out my assignment. Basically the printer ran out of paper. So, I went to the techies office, and they said the cartridge needs replaceing and refused to give me paper. I went back to the printer and cheked the 30 odd pages it just printed out - AND IT WAS BLACK AS NIGHT THE INK.

So, **** the techies are liars. Or just stupid. I had to leave my console open, and leave for the pharmacy, with the printer out of paper, waiting for my print jobs.

The ****s.

i dont really understand silvine. have you swapped one addiction for another?when do you wean off subutex or is it forever?

Subutex is pure opiate. Its a supa sticky opiate too. So strong, it blocks the receptors out completely so heroin cannot bind to the heroin receptors in the brain. So, basically, you cannot get high from heroin when on subutex. Plus, it lasts 3 days - kinda.

That said, I am heavily addicted to this subutex. The withdrawal from subutex is supposed to be easier than heroin - but I disagree.

I felt like I was going to die today. 5 hours is a long time to rattle. Usually, I would score a bag of dark - but all my dealers are in prison. So, I didn;t score.

**** it. I need to get off subutex. But, when I am off subutex, I risk getting high from the heroin. And I prolly would too. At this point - summer - listening to Rihanna - Umbrella.

Back in 2008 - my buddy Lee was my best friend and we were gonna be together until the end. Then the end came. We split.

I quit heroin - went on the subutex - and he went on methadone - and started injecting.

I dunno. Some days I wish I was back on the dark. Because, like, I am always rattling on subutex. Some days the recommended daily dosage for me is not enough. I need more. So, I take the odd pill extra, but that leaves me short for the next few days. So, I rattle even harder.

Today, was just a bad day. It was ****ed up.

sounds like youre doing the right thing with subutex. you'll know when you feel strong enough to come off i guess.

Sorry to hear this, Silvine. It's bad enough withdrawing from alcohol. Congrats on getting through it w/o using heroin.