I hope this is the right thread for this, its sort of a mental health issue as I'll explain later....

Basically I was really depressed for a while a few months ago, really wasn't coping. I didn't see a doctor about it (I don't know if I have a doctor, should probably get one, but this level of organisation and effort was not something I could manage at the time) but eventually its got better on its own.
I say "got better" in the sense that its not like stepping out into the sunshine, but I'm not struggling quite as badly as I was before.

Nothing I do seems to be working in bettering my life and stopping myself feeling so awful again. I worked in a shop, I quit and applied for another job - this time as a teaching assistant because I thought that I could make something out of it, but I know that working with little kids isn't going to be stimulating. I can't get a boyfriend and I'm really really fucking lonely, its not that I can't handle being single because I've managed fine with it for ages, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. A guy I saw for a bit and liked (but apparently isn't bothered about me) is now going for cool jobs in cool places (away from here) and it just makes me so jealous and feel so inferior I want to cry.

I know my life is so pathetic and I can't figure out why I'm doing this. Like I have friends, but its just going through the motions. I went to the cinema with some friends and my brother tonight and I felt really embarrassed to have him spend time with them. At the end I sort of apologised to him and he seemed almost confused like "why do you hang out with such obnoxious idiots? how can you stand it?" and he has a point because all the time I'm with people either my mind is wandering in boredom or I'm biting my tongue to stop myself being rude to them back. And people/social stuff are very important to me, so this is a big problem.
Like, I know a bit part of getting stuff together is going out and trying to have fun, but I can't do it, its like its gone too far.

So the mental health side... I know what if I don't change something I won't be able to stop myself getting depressed again. I'm drinking far too much, pretty much every night, and I've been making myself sick a lot (I've done it for years, but I stopped, and now its creeping back in a bit... I think I could stop if I tried hard though). I just don't know what the hell to do about it. I'm not depressed - I have a lot of the numbness but nothing else, and its not like I have a thing I need counselling over. Its just everything, I can't make anything go right. Why can't I get out of this?

(sorry for the length...)

working with kids can be incredibly stimulating. it can also be that practical and immediate thing that somehow forces you to function a bit better and doesn't give you time to fall into bad states.

but do special needs if you have a choice. most normal kids are vile

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they made soup out of my research turtles.

It sounds to me like you need a change of scenery. Like maybe you need to just find a job far away and go there. It's probably the best way to get unstuck. It seems you could care less about your current friends, you don't like your jobs, etc. so it might be your best bet.

If this doesn't work maybe you need to talk to a therapist. There's nothing wrong with therapy.

First of all, you sound like a very decent, warm person who is actually quite popular and good company to have around.
You have to stop punishing yourself (isolating yourself and being sick) otherwise the things you want (new exciting job, possibly moving to a new city) won't come to you. You are obviously intelligent and have the ability to get what you want out of life.
Make a list of the things you want to achieve and how you intend to go about doing it. This will help you have goals to work towards, no matter how small the steps are in getting there.
Stop comparing yourself to other people, it's pointless, focus on yourself and be kind to yourself and everything will fall into place.
If you fight against yourself how will you ever get where you want to be?
Stop the making yourself sick thing right now, it will make you look and feel like shit and will imbalance your seratonin levels so you won't be able to think straight.
Don't worry if you have to spend time with your family for a while or choose staying in with a book over hanging with people you don't really like. You're in control of your life, you get to say how it goes and can do whatever you want.
Therapy might help you come to terms with the reasons why you seem to have lost your confidence and exercise classes might help boost your enthusiasm and zest for life.
Keep applying for the teaching assistant jobs through local papers etc, maybe do some voluntary work to help your cv and your self esteem. When you're busy thinking of others you won't have time to feel so bad!
Above all just look after yourself and know that this cloud of despair is only temporary and it will pass, you know that coz you've been there before. There will be a silver lining soon but you have to treat yourself with respect first. Friends, family and potential employers will be able to see it a mile off.

I'm not that into therapy. I'm a bit of a snob about it, I had some quicky therapy a while ago and it didn't help at all (it seemed to amount to telling me what CBT was, and that I should do it myself, but I already knew what it was and had been applying the principles of it to keep me going to that point) and I'm not really seeing the point in going back.

I'm going to TRY to go to the gym tomorrow....

I've been volunteering in a school but I don't like it, I'm going to keep going for now but I don't know if there is any point in applying for jobs.
I'm supposed to be filling in an application form for a post grad degree right now, because I have to do something or anything and it looked ok, but I just feel too emotionally exhausted to even think about it. I dunno what to do.