I don't know really how to put this into words, but I'll attempt to as best as I can.

I just found out that my grandma, who I'm very close to, is dying of cancer. She has been going down hill ever since my grandpa has been put into a nursing home, because he has Alzheimer's and it's been getting really bad recently. But from what I've heard, she could be dead within a few days or a few weeks. I just don't know what to say. I've been crying off and on all day. It's just awful, I can't fully express these feelings. I've never had to go through this before.

i'm sorry i'm not in the best of moods right now or i could write a better more heartfelt reply
but try to enjoy the time you have left with her while you can, be there for her
i still miss my grandfather sometimes out of nowhere, immensely
i didn't even cry when he died, i think maybe because it was my first experience with death of a person i love, but there have been times since then that i do though its now been probably about 15 years

Crack, I'm not gonna tell you that I "know what you're going thru".
I don't and can't, I can only have a glimmer bc I DO know what it was like going thru a horrendous string of bereavements myself:Grandfather, Mother, and Daddy, w/in 24 months .

It. Just. Plain. Sucks.

When the people who've loved us all our lives start passing, it can feel as tho you're being robbed of your context. That plus the greif at their leaving is a tough place to be.

I hope you find the strength you need -- but please don't do the famous "I'm fine, I'm going to MAKE everything else be fine for everybody else no matter what it takes" bit. That can get way the fuck outta hand and besides I think I've got it patented, lol .

I can def tell you what i did wrong, but....Mostly, I guess I fucked up by telling myself to "NOT!!" feel the way I was feeling. Hoo boy, yeah, that works really well. What a dummy. *kicks self retroactively*

Sigh. Look, no one knows how much time we've got with the people whom we love. Store up your contacts and closeness with your granfather & grandmother. As in, when you're being there, REALLY be there, with your whole self. Which means leaving the fear/anxiety/hurt outside the door.

That's a job, huh?

And: Don't wear yourself to a frazzle. Get rest and re-fuel, including time away from the pressurized impending-parting atmosphere to just hang out and have fun from time to time.

Guilt trips? Refuse to buy the ticket, even if it's you trying to plan the itinerary behind your own back. We humans are good at the ol' self-sabotage like that.

I hope more than anything right now you have a great, supportive, close family network and a few intimate friends who will just hand you a glass of wine and let you vent or laugh or scream, whatever you need. It can help immeasureably.

Please be kind to yourself.

I'll be thinking about you, honey.

Chyia, rattling beads

They would not want to see your life go downhill because it is near the end for them. Imagine what they are going through; your spirit keeps theirs living on. Be here for them and know that death is not an end, really, for their memory lives on through your caring.

Caring starts with you. Those who can care are willing to face some suffering now for the long-lasting benefits of love.

__________________
Marerophilia:
A depth of love that youth can seldom appreciate or communicate;
A love that never can die for it is a wild seed living inside us, and it is what it is;
Love: that which bonds the reality of one's being to the mystery of the unknown;
Wildflowers: evidence revealed."
~~carefulcarpenter

Thank you guys for being nice. Thank you for being so great. I really appreciate it.

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother. Have you ever lost someone close to you before? You're just going to have to accept it. Death is inevitable and people lose their loved ones all the time. You are not alone. Instead of concentrating on her death, try instead to celebrate her life. Embrace the fact that she was lucky enough to lead so a long life as to see her grandchild grow up and make her proud The best thing you can do is spend some quality time with her in her last days. Visit her and get her to tell you stories about her life. I'm sure she'd appreciate it. Again, I am really sorry for your loss and sincerely hope you can find the strength to make it through the grieving process <3

the best thing to do for you and your grandmother is just to spend as much time together as possible, obvious as it sounds. i was very close with my granda and spent months with him in hospital as he gradually deteriorated (he died organ failure as a result of diabetes complications) and was with him right at the end, just talking with him even when he couldn't reply any more. i really believe that he had a level of consciousness that allowed him to know i was there, and that was the best thing for both of us. as desdemona says, get her to tell stories about her life, my granda told me so many brilliant stories in the last few weeks, and i'm so glad of it. don't shy away from the pain, it sounds like this is going to be one of the toughest things you've experienced in your life so far, but you have to be strong and make sure she enjoys the time she has left with you, and vice versa. i lost most of my close family in recent years so if you want to pm me or anything, please feel free. you'll probably just want to talk and talk and talk about it, if my experience is anything to go by, and much as we're all assholes here at kr, we're good folks too.

She died on Wedensday, July 23rd. It didn't sink in then, I felt numb. It just felt completely unreal, it still does, sort of. A poem I wrote about her was read at her funeral. But I still couldn't believe it was real, but Early Monday, it started sinking in, and I haven't slept. I've been crying and smoking and "interneting" to try to chase away my thoughts but they're still creeping in. I just am trying not to think about it.

oh i'm sorry to hear that. the grief will take it's own sweet time, just let it out when you need to. x

Yeah, it's been hard, but I knew it was going to be quick considering the doctor gave her a week. It makes me sick how fast she went, considering about three weeks ago (probably less then that), I was sitting in her house talking to her, and today we were in the house looking through pictures and looking through her house at all the stuff she has, and as soon as I walked in I just felt this wave of grief. Thank you all for being so nice, it's been comforting .

Sincere condolences, sweetie.

This shit is just plain fucking hard.

Pls don't let anybody TELL YOU HOW you're "supposed" to go about your personal grief process.. Sometimes it's absolutely astonishing how many folk will do that, and they think they mean well. But actually it makes things harder for the one(s) experiencing the loss, having others "disapprove" of one's feelings (how bloody dare they!). Imo/ime anyway...
And I would be willing to bet that you've encountered some of that by now as well. Talk about adding hurtful insult to injury to pain. Damn.

Go ahead (and don't ever blame yourself for it!) :feel numb,if that's what needed for you to cope just now.
That's actually "normal" according to most non-idiotic & well-studied proper sources. Denial = a stage, so they tell us. IMO, (&IME as well, but w/e about that....) it's pretty damn true. It's a pretty potent part of the bereavement--shock reaction.

I so very much hope you have dear dear friends to whom you can vent, explain, describe, and express, the complicated tangle of feelings as they arise.
Please: Feel free to PM, I'm planning to be here at least part, perhaps even most, of this wk-end (usually am not) so Anytime., K?

(Always providing KR doesn't get get Systemic Database Disease Infections once more.heh.)

You're in my thoughts.
*{{major e-hugs}}*


ETA:
Please, be very good & v. kind to yourself.

Love & sympathy,
Chyia

for the purpose of showing empathy and NOT trying to turn this into me, me, me but:

grandma feb 25, 2005
mom feb 23, 2006
dad march 17, 2008

during this time i was also forced to move literally 5 times and have most of my stuff in storage because my dad was in a nursing home from june 2005 on and no one wants to rent to a 17 yr old.

i won't say that the bad feelings lessen, but they come less frequently.
you go from horrendous sadness constantly to having it spaced out a bit more.

life goes on. other stresses take the front seat.
the wound gets opened up less often so to speak.

__________________
dithyrambic does not:
have a husband
have a child
fight over ice cream
care that you dont know who she is.

Oh my God *hugs*

That is awful, I'm soooooo sorry you had to go through that. I really couldn't imagine having to go through that so young! Jesus, I'm so sorry for your loss.

well in a lot of ways i think i am better for it
the only problem i still have is the amount of regret i feel, which is so futile. i hate that i have regrets. but i will get over it. marijuana helps. lol

hope all is well with you

__________________
dithyrambic does not:
have a husband
have a child
fight over ice cream
care that you dont know who she is.

Marjiuana...THANK YOU GOD FOR THE WEED *Peace Pipe OUT*

Ah, it's pretty okay, I'm just keeping my mind off of things.