my friend's father is about to die from pancreatic cancer, and i'm absolutely beyond terrified because i have no idea what to say or how to react to it all.

this is a really good friend, and he is really quiet about how everything is effecting him, but i know he is devastated. i want to be a good friend and am very worried about him, but i really have no clue. i don't know?

how do you know what to say?

i don't want this thread to be restricted to just my situation either, you can post about your own troubles and stuff, maybe it can help a few people.

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Maybe you could send him like a coat hanger or soup mix in the mail with a post it-
"when you paint with your eyes closed, you never become picasso, you just become an ironic narcissist with uncomfortable shades".
Throwing people off is thrilling.

-ktlr

Say to him exactly what you have said to us, pretty much, that you are really really sorry to hear about it, that you don't really know how you can help him or what to say, but if he ever wants to talk you'll be there for him and if he doesn't, that is fine as well. If you feel awkward saying it in person, send a text or something.

Last summer my cousin died horribly of skin cancer during a week where everything else was going wrong (broke up with a boyfriend of two and a half years, crashed my car, 3 weeks left til masters dissertation was due in and I had done hardly any due to looking after said cousin) and I really appreciated having my friends as an escape. Because there was plenty of time to be sad and grieve at home whilst alone or with family and when I saw my friends it was great to go out and have a break from that. Just hanging out and laughing and dancing was such a nice distraction from being sad and miserable. So don't make your friend talk, he might appreciate just hanging out with you guys and laying all his troubles aside for a while.

actions speak louder, so do something kind for your friend, to make his life easier, if you're not sure what, ask.

just be there, ready to listen. say that they can call you anytime, to talk. just knowing that you care enough to put your life on hold for a bit, could make a big differance.

also, be there to offer some diversion, too, if it seems appropiate.

words are over rated, sometimes.

Yes, what they said.

Words are the least capable expressions of love in this time of suffering; but in the suffering TOGETHER is the love we share.

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Marerophilia:
A depth of love that youth can seldom appreciate or communicate;
A love that never can die for it is a wild seed living inside us, and it is what it is;
Love: that which bonds the reality of one's being to the mystery of the unknown;
Wildflowers: evidence revealed."
~~carefulcarpenter

When my father passed away due to pancreatic cancer I was sent into shock. It did not register in my brain that my father passed away and we could never talk again.

I took it quite well, because for many years we knew he did not have many years left and it was a matter of waiting for him to die so we made every moment special with him and let him have his own way most of the time.

I devoted my life to my father for many years until the bitter end where we were not talking and the bastard goes and dies on me without us ever making up. That was the only thing that hurt - that we parted on bad terms.

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Aw, I'm sorry to hear about your friend's dad. Were they very close? This must be a dreadful time for him, and it is important that you're there for him before it happens as well as after. Tell him that you know he tends to bottle things up (maybe because he finds it easier not to talk about it or maybe because he's just lost for words, you don't know), but it pains you to know that he's suffering and you're there if he wants to talk about it. He'll probably need some space first, but this is not always the case. Speak from your heart. You want to be a good friend and don't wish to make him feel worse, so tell him that while you're aware he needs his space, you'd hate for him to feel lonely and alienated on top of his grief. Be there for him. That's all a good friend can do in these situations, really.

thanks guys

desdemona, i think i might use that last suggestion for sure.

it's funny, i'm not one to talk about these things either, (evidently) so i'll probably only be saying a few small things initially and then, yeah. i'll let him know he can talk to me about it if he needs, but if he just wants to come to someone to chill and not think about it all i'm there too.
i don't know, im hopeless at this.

luckily, silvine, i don't think him and his father are on a bad note. i know they're close, but not extremely so. he's more likely to be worried about the rest of his family, he kind of thinks he has to support them, so he'll be trying to be strong. the father earned LOADS of money, so the mum never got a really high paying job. however, the father never took out life insurance. it's an awful position to be in.

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Maybe you could send him like a coat hanger or soup mix in the mail with a post it-
"when you paint with your eyes closed, you never become picasso, you just become an ironic narcissist with uncomfortable shades".
Throwing people off is thrilling.

-ktlr

I don't know what I'd say either. I'd probably sit in silence with them, cradling cups of tea, and let him know that if he wants to talk/cry, he can do that on me.

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AFTER my father died I realized how difficult it is to be a good father;
Then AFTER my mother died I realized how hard it is to be a good son;
Sometimes all one can do to love them is to allow them to come into our hearts
and be there for us after they're gone;
Without being scared of living
AFTER they've passed on;
I became the eyes for them;
I learned to see the beauty here on earth
that they could no longer see;
I became the feelings for them
that they could no longer feel;
I became the love for them
when they could no longer express it themselves;
I became the good son
by being a better father for my own children;
by being there for other good daughters and sons;
Those who didn't realize how hard it is to be good daughters and sons;
And fathers who didn't know what to say when their kids were young;
Those of us who spend too much time fearing life;
NOT seeing the beauty all around us;
All the love that surrounds us;
Those that are here for us;
AFTER all

~~carefulcarpenter


Sophia_

__________________
Marerophilia:
A depth of love that youth can seldom appreciate or communicate;
A love that never can die for it is a wild seed living inside us, and it is what it is;
Love: that which bonds the reality of one's being to the mystery of the unknown;
Wildflowers: evidence revealed."
~~carefulcarpenter

My birth father died of a heart attack. I was so devestated, I couldn't go to his funeral.

It didn't help matters that his bitch of a second wife was there...and my uncle told me that just before my father died, his second wife convinced him to change his will and leave his children nothing. That was rather harsh.

I don't care about the money. It just pisses me off that the second wife got ANYTHING. She was such a whore.

My best friend's father died very suddenly.
I was extremely close to him, so we were both grieving. It actually resulted in neither one of us really being there for each other.
All you can do is be there for your friend. Sit quietly, or talk, or do something fun. Let him know that whatever he needs, you're there to help . . .

apparently he is very close, he has officially been given 3 months, but it will probably be much less.

lately i've been talking about it a lot with my friend, he always brings it up. i kind of get the feeling i'm one of the only people he talks to about it. the conversation is always kind of sympathetic but realistic. the other day we talked about who he would call if it happened at home, and he's been telling me about his dads condition and everything.

i think i've come to realise that when it happens i won't really need words. but i am terrified. it's surprisingly hard.

this post isn't really for any advice or anything, just need to get it out there i suppose.

stories and stuff might really help. cinnamon cigs, how did it happen so that you weren't there for each other? separate grieving?

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Maybe you could send him like a coat hanger or soup mix in the mail with a post it-
"when you paint with your eyes closed, you never become picasso, you just become an ironic narcissist with uncomfortable shades".
Throwing people off is thrilling.

-ktlr

I have exactly this situation too, rosie. Except it's my best friend's mother and I have no clue how to comfort or do anything. I had to get a 26 of rum into him before he'd barely admit anything was wrong with her and now I'm at a complete loss. And I'm selfishly hoping that the best way out is the easiest.

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Breathe in, come out

What you say really doesn't matter at all. Just be there for your friend as much as you possibly can and let him know you are thinking about him. Honestly, when my brother died last year my friends just visiting me and coming to the funeral is all that held me together.

ive lost 5 family members to cancer. but thats not why im responding- i was a nurse for 5 years, i specialised in oncology & palliative care. for 5 years i nursed people as they died, sometimes they didnt have family and i would sit with them and literally just hold their hand sometimes as they slipped away. i thought it didnt affect me because it was my job, i remained focused and detached but its impossible to be detached where human life, pain and suffering are concerned. i changed careers- im now a high school teacher and since quitting nursing i have lost 3 family members to cancer and to see it from family perspective, to let the nurses do their jobs and have to sit back and absorb what was going on was sooo so hard.
all i can say is that ive seen cancer from both sides- the clinical, medical, evil disease that destroyed my patients, and the insidious illness that took my loved ones away.
my advice is this: you dont have to SAY anything- i believe simply BEING there is a huge part of the process.
Im sorry for your difficult situation. cancer is a bitch.

Damn that sucks

I'm super bad at comforting people, but I would probably try say something along the lines of what Insomnia suggested.

I hadn't known her for very long, but taking that into consideration we were pretty close. Well, this friend's dad died of cancer on a night we were supposed to hang out. I called her up to ask where she was and she answered in tears and told me the news.

As much as I wanted to be comforting, I was so taken back by it all that I couldn't really think of much to say other than, "I'm so sorry, are you alright?" random ummms and ahhhss here and there, "So, I guess you're not coming to hang out then?"

I felt like such a bitch for saying it, like what a dumb question

Make sure you go to the wake too. My other friend's dad died of a heart attack while he (my friend) was in BC, and his family was on vacation. I didn't really have to say anything to his face about it (I texted him though) because of long distance and what not. When the body was brought back and he came back to Ottawa for the wake and funeral, no one had told me when all this was happening (maybe I should have asked) so needless to say I didn't end up going. Apparently he was pretty bummed I didn't show.

So yeah, when it comes to death, Emma is an unsupportive bitch. Unfortunately...

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