I don't know where to start to be honest. I feel as if I've made a really big mess of my life and the answers to my problems are obvious... but I feel like I can't act on them. It's a pretty long and complicated story...

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and just over a year ago made the move up north to be with him from London. I left my family, friends and everything I've known my whole life in London but felt it was time to make a step up in our realtionship.

He's quite a bit older then me (I'm 21 and he's 39) and he's going through a divorce at the moment. I'm good friends with his ex wife, which may seem weird to people but shes more or less the only person I can talk to about this because she's been there.

About 5 months after I moved up here I found he was using drugs. I knew he snorted speed or coke or whatever and didn't really think much of it as many of my friends (and I) have done and it didn't really bother me. I knew he drank quite alot too. What I didn't know is that he was injecting. I knew he did it in the past and had stopped for 5 years but started knocking around with this drug dealer who got him back on it in the months while we were on a break (2 years ago).
He hid it so well from me, I noticed he had lost weight when we got back together but I really was blind to what was happening. I feel so stupid.

The way I found out was terrible too. We went round his ex wifes to pick up his dog and he was druink and decided to make a show of himself but talking about their divorce and then said 'right today is truth day, Lauren I'm a junkie. I've been injecting' and then proceeded to have a go at everyone in the room.
After that I also found needles hidden in our bathroom.

That was last September when I found out... since then he's been continuously not been coming home, can't keep a job down, lying about where he's been and I can feel myself slowly breaking down. He's also taken money from my bank account and denied it... the usual junkie behaviour and everytime we've had an arguement i've threatened to leave but in the end I completely melt and he promises things will be different and things go back to 'normal'

I'm so sick of hearing how he promises to change.. like on our anniversary he came clean about things he's lied about in the past (i knew he was lying anyway) and what he's been doing exactly.. he got a temp job 2 weeks ago and evertything was blissful.. almost like a normal relationship.
He was meant to take me out tonight since he's in court tomorrow (not for drugs) and when i got home his mobile was here with texts from his drug dealer saying 'im coming home in 20 mins, got the things... get the dinner on haha' basically fucking LAUGHING at me. So In phoned her and asked wtf it was all about and where's my boyfriend and she put the phone down on me.

I know the answer is so obvious and I should leave and fuck him off because of what he's done, but he really does have a lovely side to him thats there half the time and is slowly being eaten away by the addict. I also know he loves me too which is the typical thing to say I know.. but I don't think anyone really understands unless they've been in this situation. I hate myself for being so weak and not walking away. I don't want to give up on him and I don't want him to destroy himself.

I'm absolutely in bits at the moment, I can't stop crying and I'm finding it hard to go to work - i keep phoning in sick. they kinda know whats going on and are really nice about it. There's so much more to this story but I'm having trouble putting it all together...

oh dear .

this is a terrible situation

i dont know what the hell id do

sorry for that useless statement

however, you sound v unhappy. if yr relationship is making you that unhappy and you cant see it changing (i know theres no such thing as a hopeless case etc but can you see him actually changing? yr the only one that knows that), i say get out now

x

i would have never left my whole life behind for anyone who snorted anything or had a drinking problem.

it only gets worse from there.

tell him its the addiction or you. if he says addiction then peace motha fucka.

I'm at a total loss. I went to the doctors to see if I could get some type of counselling and explained to her the basics of what was happening.. she wasn't very helpful and gave me the number for a womens advice line.
His ex wife said she don't think he's going to ever change.. but i keep fooling myself he is. I just can't seem to leave him because i care too much.
I think it's partly because i know people CAN change. My mum was a raging alcoholic since I was little and over the last year she's completely changed her life around. Maybe I'm comparing the two.. and hoping for the best..

I know, I know i've been very foolish but I drank alot 2 years ago too. I was pissed everyday and obviously oblivious to what he was doing. He hid it so well, but when i look back now everything slots into place.

I've had it out with him multiple times and he always says hes going to change and he was seeing counsellors and going to a clinic but it made the problem get worse if anything because he couldn't talk about where it all stems from and sent him off the rails.

Ultimatum time unfortunately i feel real bad for ya hun

What Ash said. With one addition:

GTFO/away/. Because if he can have you AND the drugs, why the hell would he change his drug use?

The idea is, he can't continue to use, and have you in his life as well. It honestly is just like your man having a mistress. One he lies about, says it is over, he only wants you, blah blah....and guess what? It isn't true.
He wants you BOTH. And is selfish enough to think he can do that, bc he does love you on some level, and knows he can make full use of the fact that you love him.

I know I sound harsh. My first real grown-up love was a heroin junkie.
And I was beyond naive.

And he's dead now.

Save yourself girl.

Love & sympathy,

Chyia

Theres a guy who I we kindahad a relationship, but he was in a way a charmer (but in reality a gutter rat) - he used me to hell...but he's disappeared coz he bad wiv drugs and owes so much money he gone to hiding or be hiding or death kinda thing. But he USED me, I sorted him out wiv dealers, etc. then he had 2x g'friends on the go, and I was his respite (ewww)

I dunno where he hiding (he has had to move so many times) I couldnt live that life - or if he was with me....he would have real bad ppl round...nothing of mine/or me be safe - yet I iss him big time. I have a total illogical reason to like him...can see its wrong/not happening - yet Im in denial. I miss our friendship (which was nice - til a certain point) and when things go wrong in my life im so upset about him...he aint the trigger- buit i start mourning him coz he hiding n i dunno where he is. Other people hav ripped me off wiv money...but im attached to this man - yet he is ugly, a loser, a waster, prob on smack...yet i miss him...yet i know he horrible. I cvannot make sense of it....but it depressess me and i feel worthless.

I think relationships ae built on self esteem, or self worth, plus appreciation of someone else, and unless you feel confident inyourself its hard to believe in the other person. But the other person, if they care, could (if they know) help you believe in yourself. I think its all about strength in oneself ut also recognising where others feel weak - and none of us are perfect - we all insecure/screwed up.

im getting confused...life eh - we aint born or die wiv a manual