Boring **** about my life
Well, what can I say? Recently, I've been contemplating my life. All I find is pain. Y'see, currently seeing this lady from Huddersfield, some 80 miles away from me and I am not happy with the situation. She wants an open relationship to **** other guys and I want to be totally exclusive. Aside from this lady I am falling in love with ****ing other guys, I have my own problem of wanting this ex from years ago. She is thin, blonde, intelligent, articulate, 12 years older than me, and everything I ever wanted in a relationship. Sadly, she is with another man and this hurts me.
Another thing is that I communicate with my dead wife. She means the world to me and all I think about is dying to be with her. She is the ideal woman for me, no others compare, and death not ends it - only lack of love...
Another problem is all the junkies in my life. Everyone I know is a junkie. I was a junkie, but now I cant even smoke marijuana because my lungs cannot handle the smoke. It hurts like hell to smoke a joint. The only drugs my lungs can handle are crack and heroin. I admit, I've dabbled with these drugs in the past and these are the drugs I think about a lot. But the pain with dealing with being addicted to these drugs are too much to think about.
Aside from relationship problems, unrequited love, and drugs, I have a pain in my stomach that wont go away. Admittedly the perscription drugs have helped the pain, but its there all the time. It hurts me and has hurt for too many years I care to remember.
Then there is my career, this feels like its at and end rather than a beginning. I have been on disability since the age of 19, and I turned 30 in January without even working a single year of that period. I cannot find work, I am underskilled and even applied for University which is how desperate I am becoming to make a change in my life.
I found God and God found me. We disagree on some things but generally get along just fine. We have a good spiritual relationship, on occasion I read the bible and this I find comforting. Perhaps I was a preacher man in a previous life I dunno.
But, in my small world of the Internet, you behold me as I really am and it is pathetic. A pathetic existence of failures. My life has been one long struggle of pain and suffering, mental illness, failure, and go nowhere relationships. I am sure its the same for the rest of you but for once I'd like to complain about it. I never complain about it. I just accept it. But for this moment I'd like people to know I am hurting and weak. ****, there is nothing weak about suffering. The daily mysery of existence. I just want to get so high that I die but it never happens. I wish for death on the end of a candle but it never comes. In death I will be at peace with this horrid world behind me ready to fight the good fight against evil. Because, oh ****, that'sa comin'...