Its not just that I am a person that feels like crap.

I know there are other people who feel bad, and fuck up, and go through periods of being self centred and completely unlikeable and not their normal charming selves, and generally aren't stupid.

But then I feel like I have always been awful, and that others haven't, and therefore any pretence of a life I could build would be built on a lie - because all I know/remember is either feeling terrible or not feeling that terrible but being someone who others must have found entirely idiotic/annoying/ugly etc. and therefore not someone I could bare to be again.

And then I know that other people feel bad about themselves, and that on the face of it I have no reason to say these things, while based on the only history that replays itself in my mind I have to. I can't change the pattern of thought.

If you've never found anything to live for or to hold on to, but rather watched others live while you sit and wish you were someone who could not be a destructive and pointless human, how are you supposed to believe you can possibly have a future?

The thing is you have to continue living. I think thats the hardest part. No matter how much you fuck up or how many people you hurt you still have to get up and look at yourself and find at least one thing to cling to that keeps you going for another day. Finding it is difficult but necessary.

Find your own ways to make each day more tolerable, even if it means creating your own little world just to keep going. Play music, communicate with people and have family and friends around you that love you unconditionally and I absolutely guarantee you it won't feel so bad anymore.
Treat yourself like gold, you deserve it and think of things that make you feel good and do them. Simple things like taking a really nice bath with your favourite scented bubble bath, looking at pictures of things that are beautiful and inspire you, taking care of a kitten, exercising, meditating, conditioning your hair...anything that brings you joy, do them all, life is too short. Start enjoying it all today.

I know exactly how you feel, because I'm pretty much knee deep in it. Every day is a struggle but the fact is there are some good things in life. It's needle and haystack, trying to find the good things in the mud of day to day life, but the existance of a haystack proves the existance of needles, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm here to talk if you like.
xx