I know what you mean, ava_adore. I don't want things just to be fixed for an hour while I'm seeing the therapist- it's not enough. I used to have a terrible paranoia problem about my (now ex) boyfriend, I was hysterical. In daylight in a doctor's office things seem ridiculous but at the time it's different.

"That is exactly how I feel. This is as good as it gets. It is why it is worse when they say they don't think anything is wrong with me. If there is nothing wrong, and this is therefore how it will always be.... I'd just rather not you know?" I know that feeling- people say I'm expecting life to be all fireworks and interesting things, well some of the time would be nice, instead of slowly being worn down. I got the diagnosis of mild depression, I wouldn't have said there was anything mild about it at the time but now things seem to have come to a standstill. I tried to stress the 'what do I have to do to be taken seriously?' aspect of things to my doctors- the reply was that even if I attempted anything, they'd patch me up and send me home as they'd know the motive!

I finished uni last year and wonder how much of my depression is career-related- if I find what I love doing, and do it, will I feel fulfilled etc...I honestly don't know.

I don't know what to say, but I can share.

God we really are similar. I finished uni last year too, and although I'm now doing my Masters it is through lack of any direction rather than a belief and hope in what I'm doing. Also, the ex thing makes so much sense to me. The things I've told my counsellor about in regards to him look so ridiculous and over the top in that hour session, but when I'm alone and I think about him, or think about how much I miss him... It sends me off.

Iconicglamour I completely understand what you're saying and don't take it negatively at all. I think it is because one of my best friends has bi-polar and we often share similar feelings, we relate to each other's problems in ways my other friends don't seem to, and also I believe it is what my dad is being seen for that I jumped to these conclusions. Plus I have always been quite manic and unable to control my feelings and stuff, until the past year or so when it has just been a slow downward spiral. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

*Hug*

this was pretty much the reason I had to leave my ex..for my own well-being as well as his. Co-dependance is not a pretty thing.

What are you doing for your Masters, out of interest? I can't afford to be an academic, my career plans include penniless unappreciated author/artist/philosopher. I'm currently trying to 'find myself' and gain some employment which is not of the Girl Friday nature (my last job in an office was mentally draining). I'm not a customer service sort of person as I have a tendency to look/be miserable, which makes employment somewhat difficult.

I'm somewhat surprised (but not much- you know what the NHS are like) that no-one has at least thrown around the words 'mild depression', given your family history. Self harming is usually a red flag.

I've had some very similar experiences. When my depression first began to get out of control about two years ago, my doc put me on medication without asking many questions. It helped my mood but I had so many problems and issues that I couldn't sort out on my own. The only way I could get actual help was to tell him how completely suicidal I was, which resulted in the dreaded Community Mental Health Nurse. She was a raging ***** who had no interest in helping me sort out my problems, and was only interested in the activity diary she made me keep. I couldn't trust her, so ended up lying to her so I wouldn't have to see her any more.

Since Christmas, my depression has been unbearable. I started self-harming again, and even tried to kill myself. My doctor put me on Mirtrazapine. I told him I didn't want the nurse again, and he said that meant I didn't want any treatment, and the mental health people said they would be in touch. After a couple of weeks, with no news, I had to go to my doctor and beg for help. I was in tears the whole ****ing time, he said he would get me a psych consult and then told me he didn't want to treat me anymore and I should go back to my childhood doctor (who is a pervert). So in the three months that I've been waiting for my psych consult, I haven't had the support of a doctor. He didn't want to deal with me anymore because he didn't take me seriously. I've had serious suicidal thoughts. I hate Mirtrazapine, it does nothing except make it impossible to get up in the morning and makes me want to eat all the time. I can't even get a sick note because I've lost my doctor, and I cannot ****ing work right now.

I needed that rant! I hate the ****ing NHS right now. Good to know I'm not the only one who has had problems with horrible mental health nurses.

I went to a doctor about feeling depressed last year.

Basically she told me that I was stressed, but definately not depressed. I think it was because I had make-up on and I didn't look like I had been not eating, so she was just like "obviously not depressed then".

She gave me an internet print out on self help CBT, laboriously pointing out how I could have found it myself and not wasted her time. Part of me wanted to tell her that actually I probably knew more about CBT than she did and I had never been to see a GP before about anything, because I don't like asking for help but that it was a last ditch resort. I KNOW all the symptoms of depression like the back of my hand and I was careful not to say I was feeling things I didn't actually have, and I think I went to far and downplayed the symptoms I did have.
But I was too... tired. And I hated the sound of my own voice far too much to speak. So I just took it and walked out. I'm not saying that I should have had medication or anything specific but I know that after that I could barely move or get out of bed for months and that I very almost failed my degree. I didn't die and I'm not depressed now but part of me thinks "I just couldn't live.... I was barely able to wash and feed myself and all my work and relationships just fell apart... aren't you supposed to help me with that as well?"

Seriously, on the walk home, that is the lowest I've ever been. Someone was talking to me recently about the pros and cons of the current NHS guidelines on depressed patients presenting to a GP, and said how the initial lowest rung of treatment is information and a later appointment (which I didn't even get) and that this is a problem because people don't feel that they are going to get any real help and this leaves them hopeless.
I swear I have never understood exactly what someone meant as much as I did there.

Oh well. I suppose if she didn't diagnose me, I wasn't depressed, so I'm just whinging. Hmmm.
Also, I can tell them about the difference between depression and rough patches + low self esteem. Its like - right now, i guess I do have low self esteem. And I am going through a rough patch. I'm not happy - but I'm not depressed, I know it and therefore I wouldn't go to a doctor. Sorry I'm a bit angry, I just know many doctors and have always been perfectly aware of the fact that they don't know everything.