 | | 
04-24-2006, 08:35 PM
|  | Registered Member | | Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 331
| | | Rights of Children of Divorce
The father thread ( http://kittyradio.com/soapbox/showthread.php?t=449) we had recently and other things has me thinking about my parents' divorce. I don't feel sorry for myself. In fact, I have really gotten over a lot of my self-pity in the last several months of just acknowledging some of the shit that went down when my parents' got a divorce. I honestly thought it wasn't a big deal and yet I walked around with a HUGE chip on my shoulder (a few chips, really) and I had no real idea why. I think this list is awesome. For anyone who's gone through a divorce, I think it can help assuage or at least be aware of any of those subtle or overt feelings that you were somehow to blame. Or if you feel traumatized by it or just slightly troubled by some thing but can't put your finger on it. And if you're a parent, it's a great model to print out and keep in mind should you ever go through a divorce or separation with your partner. Even if you stay together, it's a great model for how to resolve or get through conflict without dragging your kids through shit that isn't any of their business and that can hurt them even if you don't mean to: Quote:
Rights of Children of Divorce
1. Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.
2. Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided for.
4. Have a special place for their own belongings at both parent's residences.
5. Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.
6. Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality(not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).
7. Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.
8. Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.
9. Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)
10. Continue to be kids, i.e. not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e. not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).
11. Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.
12. Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial arent.
13. Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.
14. Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.
15. Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.
16. Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)
17. Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.
18. Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.
19. Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlement's of anyone.
20. Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.
21. Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home. (Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.)
22. Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.
23. Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.
24. Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.
25. Own pictures of both parents.
26. Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).
Submitted By: Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D., director of the Nightingale Counseling Center in Yorba Linda, Ca. and author of My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced, published by Nightingale Rose Publications. (800) 898-8426
| from http://www.kids-right.org/rightsof.htm
This is a good site too that discusses how divorce affects kids of different ages. My parents' divorced when I was 11 and I feel like the way that age group is described is really on the money for me http://www.psychpage.com/family/divo...drenadjust.htm
Last edited by joselle; 04-24-2006 at 09:17 PM.
|
04-24-2006, 09:49 PM
|  | carrion. | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: aotearoa
Posts: 6,003
| | | i think that list is fabulous.
as a non biological parent, it's interesting and engaging to read that stuff.
the websites look good too.
__________________
I CARRIED A WATERMELON |
04-24-2006, 10:00 PM
| | Registered Member | | Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 331
| | | The one that really got me was
"have pictures of both parents."
You have no idea how fucking huge that is. I don't have any pictures of my father. And my grandmother (god bless that woman, I mean it), cut him out of pictures in front of me.
I mean, really, people. Just let your kid have some damn pictures. |
04-25-2006, 03:55 AM
| | carrion. | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: aotearoa
Posts: 6,003
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by joselle The one that really got me was
"have pictures of both parents."
You have no idea how fucking huge that is. I don't have any pictures of my father. And my grandmother (god bless that woman, I mean it), cut him out of pictures in front of me.
I mean, really, people. Just let your kid have some damn pictures. | we have photos in the house of rose, her mum & her dad all together & with extended family so she can see them all together when she stays with us, & so that she knows her mum isn't forgotten/off topic when she stays here. she's five & her parents split up when she was just over one, so i'm guessing she doesn't recall what it was like before it was like this. but at least she can see that they were both there & really loved her.
__________________
I CARRIED A WATERMELON |
04-25-2006, 07:27 PM
| | Registered Member | | Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 331
| | Quote: |
Originally Posted by petals we have photos in the house of rose, her mum & her dad all together & with extended family so she can see them all together when she stays with us, & so that she knows her mum isn't forgotten/off topic when she stays here. she's five & her parents split up when she was just over one, so i'm guessing she doesn't recall what it was like before it was like this. but at least she can see that they were both there & really loved her. | This is so GOOD. | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes |  Linear Mode | 
Posting Rules
| You may not post new threads You may not post replies You may not post attachments You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
| | | | | Forum Stats | Members: 16,668 Threads: 48,555 Posts: 1,285,406 Total Online: 64 Newest Member: kalijade |
| |
