Soon it will be the 21st of October. It’s going to be the 1 year anniversary of my suicide attempt, and the 4 year anniversary of Elliott’s suicide. This is always a problematical time of year, I sob lots and reminisce about what could have been and what once was. I blubber over what life Elliott could have had, were he still here.

As I sit here tears run down my face. I sometimes wish I’d seceded in my attempts to kill myself. I can’t even kill myself accurately! I was nearly there, when my grandmother found me locked in my car I’d already lost 3 pints of blood, and was drowsy. They were all gazing at me, all I could deduce was that they were upset with me. They being everybody.

From the nurse attendant in the ambulance to my parents themselves. My brother and sister have been through a lot and have become embittered by me. They’ve even said so themselves, and it’s made me feel bad. I’ve kept most of this from everyone, the way that I feel inside, this blazing smoldering ache, that’s burning a hole in my mind. No one is worthy of this load that I bear. Or the one that I grudgingly leave on them. I never meant to injure you.

Why don't you blubber over what your life COULD be, and be glad that you're STILL here, so that possibly you CAN change things and in return be happy?

I find it frustrating to read the posts that you write because everything you write is "woe is me, life sucks, I'm waiting for death" etc. etc.

Life isn't really worth living if you're going to view it in that sense. If it's REALLY REALLY REALLY that bad for you, and you resist getting psychological help, then what do you expect to happen?

Chances aren't high that you'll get hit by a car walking down the street.

Life is what you make of it, and all you seem to do is make it hell. Considering that you're living in the bed that you've made of pain, depression and sadness, I wouldn't be too happy if I were you, and I can tell that you aren't.

But instead of moping around on a message board filled with people that could possibly be more ****ed up then you, why don't you go see a psychologist, a healer - and RELIGIOUSLY visit them. No one can decide to change you except you. Isn't it time to get over things and move on?

Don't you want to be excited about what tomorrow brings instead of "waiting for sleep to overtake you"? Seriously, people out there have it way worse than you do, and reading it all on a cyber world makes it even more pathetic. There's only so much you can do before you hit rock bottom, but when you hit, that's when it's time to get back up again.

And like the saying says, "if at first you don't succeed, try again". Try again until it works. Don't let your depression win. Look for the POSITIVES in things. Life isn't ****, you know. You were put on here for a purpose, and that purpose probably wasn't to ***** and moan about everything you've been through.

Sorry if this all seems a bit harsh, but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that the world isn't making you miserable, it's yourself.

You tried killing yourself on the anniversary of Elliott Smith's suicide? Thats dedication.
I thought he died in 2003 though?

if by Elliot, you mean Elliot Smith, you have issues.
and didn't he put his head in an oven? it's pretty hard to **** that one up.

__________________

i am so vain. and yet, so masochistic. how can the two coexist?
-francesca woodman

I thought he knifed himself? I thought that was particularly impressive, if hardly the most success-guaranteed method.

Committing suicide on the anniversary of someone else's seems a bit lacking in imagination, but to each their own. I could only do that on Ian Curtis', I don't remember the dates of anyone else's suicide. He killed himself on my Dad's 29th Birthday, which wasn't very festive of him.