for the second guy just tell him that you dont like talking on the phone much but have been doing it with him bc you miss him, but you cant do it much anymore.
also next time he pulls this suicide **** tell him you cant panic anymore about him and will call the police to intervene.
for the girl, just speak your mind when shes being a nasty ***** and that should change her behavior to make her more tolerable. tell her you dont like the schadenfreude when she says something like that to you. if she has a panic attack about it, find a paper bag and tell her to breathe in it.