| Since I'm being a fucking emotional mess all over the internet...
...and it's surely boring the shit out of everyone by now, I thought I would contain my shit to one thread right here. Where I get to bitch and moan about the state of affairs of my "relationship" on an ongoing basis. Where I do the zillion paragraphs I need to do to get all this vented out.
So I am just beyond despair with this thing now. Bf has been armying for two months now, and the relationship descended from relative decentness to total shittiness seemingly overnight, when he went to do his service.
He says that he has had a fair amount of time on his hands, doing unproductive stuff I guess, in which to ponder on our relationship. And the ponderings are leaving him in doubt about what he wants for the future of us, if anything, and he fears we have different ideas about what we see in our future. Or rather, that I have an idea of how I would have things pan out (namely, I finish my degree and go to Greece to live permanently, which is what we spoke of when we moved out of our house and parted to do the long distance thing). And that he doesn't know if he can give me that.
Last time we talked on the phone, it was over a month ago. We probably wouldn't have talked then actually, but we had exchanged some texts in the days prior where he said that we "need to talk" and I had a meltdown and implored him to call, so he called just to put my mind at rest and we talked for all of 10 minutes. Said "talk" that we need to have doesn't necessarily involve a break up, as he told me, but said talk has also still not happened. And I'm sitting here waiting now, for over a month, for some "is there a future?" chat. Not knowing if there is one or not.
It's just getting a bit fucking much. I know he is waiting for leave from the army to get back home so we can have the epic three hour chat that this thing is likely to require, but this shit doesn't even seem fair on me anymore. It's not fair that he could leave shit dangling like this. And the real bitch is that only he knows where he wants to take this talk, it's not like there is similar uncertainty for him.
The fucking stomper of all of this is that I've been learning his language all of this year, quite dedicatedly and (until a month ago) with very little comment from him... but I signed up for an evening class in it and these past few weeks I've been attending that, and this made him shit himself. B/c seemingly he realises now that I'm serious, and that I mean business about this relationship. He has realised this after almost five years of us being a couple? After 18 months spent doing shit long distance, knowing that a further three years of long distance is on the cards? He took this long to realise it's serious? He ONLY JUST NOTICED NOW? Jesus fucking christ.
The lack of contact is pretty terrifying in itself, even without such "we need to talk" issues hanging in the air. Before, we'd talk on the phone every two or three days, even if only briefly, and to go from that to zilch banter is just fucked. I try to text him every 7-10 days just to check in with him but also to remind him I still exist and still care. The replies are generally vague and indifferent, no sense of love coming from him, no indication that he misses me or even misses talking to me (what I do get a sense of is that he seems depressed, maybe that's where all this shit stems from, but I can't help him b/c he is so vague and impersonal all of the time now)... and in a lot of cases his texts are mostly reiterating that he's still waiting for leave and that we need to talk. After the latest exchange of texts this way, I eventually strode furiously into ballbusting territory and asked him how this shit is fair on me, and his only response is that it isn't, and that's why we need to talk.
No, fuck you, fuck that shit, you are not going to take the shit that I SAY ABOUT HOW YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL and use it as another reason to break it off. Whose fucking fault is it that I'm in this position of uncertainty? It's called sort it the fuck out and then there wouldn't be uncertainty. GOD.
This relationship is causing more strife than it is worth now. And part of me wonders if this is all deliberate on his part, to push me to the edge so that he can suggest a break up to me and I'll just be like HELL YES, which would make him a total fucking coward.
And what's funny to me now (sure aint gonna be funny when he breaks up with me) is that I spent the first five months of this year severely depressed (not over the relationship) and also totally convinced that he was waiting for me to get better from that so that he could break shit off without me doing anything stupid. He never gave me any reason to believe that was the case, but it's just makes me go FUCK YOU that basically I'm barely out of the woods for five fucking minutes and there it is, we're pretty much on the road to break up. I feel like I saw this shit coming, and at the time I tried to tell myself I was just being a pessimist, as I'm wont to be when depressed, but it's right fucking there. Whaddyaknow!
Right, I'm done now. I'm not looking for answers or anything really here, it all boils down to when he gets leave and gets home and gets the fuck on the phone with me.
And if anyone is going to respond, know that it's certainly not unknown to me just how much of a waste of my life this thing is becoming.
And it's so fucking hard to take because I love him so much and in the right circumstances we're basically perfect together. But these are the wrong circumstances, and we can also be fairly sure he doesn't love me anymore.
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