| Oh man, YES to getting hammered and doing some speed metal boogie. Sadly I am totally up to my eyes in essays at the moment. But once that's all off my plate, let's get it done. I'll let you know and we'll figure it oot.
But that's ANOTHER THING. I'm trying to get work done ffs. And sure, I'm perfectly capable of making distractions for myself, it's what I'm like and what I do, but I really don't need him making distractions for me too.
Alan, you're right, by that I mean that nothing changes whether I let shit carry on as is, or if I break up with him. Both ways I'm pretty much without him.
I'm not going to break up with him anyway, mainly b/c I don't want to, but even if I did want to, the only way I could achieve this is via text message, and I'm just not going to do that by text. So waiting it out until we can actually talk is the only real option to me anyway, and that's frustrating b/c it leaves me with no control over it, no idea what is to happen and when.
The talk that he wants to have, he said is the same as a talk we had before, one where it was ME that started to doubt the point in the relationship. We had that talk when I was depressed though, and a lot of it was coming from where I was mentally at the time. And as I mentioned, I suspect he is somewhat depressed at the moment, and I think maybe some of this is coming from where he is now.
But during that talk before, I asked if this relationship was a waste of our lives, a waste of time? And he brought me back from the edge during that conversation. But the way he feels is that our relationship can never be a waste of HIS time, his time cannot be wasted, only MY time can be wasted. I never really understood exactly what he meant by that or how that makes sense. He tried to explain it in terms of what our intention is for the future, that I would go there to live with him and if shit goes wrong at that point I have to leave and it's all a huge amount of upheaval for me only... and also in terms of what our lives are in the present, that he'll be doing what he does whether I'm in the picture or not, but my life would be quite different if he wasn't the picture. I don't really get it though. I can only speculate as to some deeper meaning of all of that... but it seems like, even last time we had this chat, there was some hint coming from him that he is in this relationship insofar as it is enjoyable and worthwhile in the present, and I think he gets the impression that I'm basically gone if for one second I see that there could be no future to this thing. And so that's how it's possible for him to waste my time, but not for me to waste his? Perhaps.
I think the thing is, we ARE almost five years down the line now. And I was looking to a potential future of some sort pretty early in the game (we're talking after a few months of being together), to which he responded at the time that he can't guarantee anything (from a practical point of view, this was sensible at the time) and so I learned to see things his way back then, to just enjoy things in the present and not get myself wound up over the future. And we had a great relationship this way for a couple of years. But things got serious after that, we lived together ffs, and we did make a rough sketch together of what is to happen in future. And it seems that he's changed his mind on that. I find it hard to take that we're this far down the line, and he's still talking like this relationship is something he's just in while it's fun (not that I'm saying he should stay with me when it ceases to be fun!), and that's it. No future plans at all? No time wasted on his part. Plenty of time wasted on mine. Because I'm sitting here with these future plans in my heart, and to me it's the only way to get through the long distance scenario without going crazy. And honestly, I'm not sure I would have ventured into long distance territory had I known that he'd just throw a curtain in front of that light at the end of the tunnel.
But anyway. What pabs said. The worst thing about this IS what it is doing to me now. Honestly, it makes me question if he EVEN KNOWS ME? B/c if he knew me, if he really fucking knew me, I don't get how he could let me hang like this, in light of how I am as a person and how I respond emotionally to difficult things.  | 
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