I really like this guy but his ex (who he was with for four years) is still very much "on the scene" and it's quite/very off putting. I realise that four years is a long time to be with someone and I haven't cut any of my exs out of my life and I'd never expect him to do that. It's just she's always telling him that she loves him. She still refers to him in affectionate terms (baby, sweetheart etc..) and he says she tells all her friends that she still loves him too. She is always saying how they should hang out and everything and yeah, they do sometimes meet up...but I don't know, to me it sort of makes me want to run for the hills (run foooor yooouuur lives...lalala ) as it seems like it's unfinished business. It seems like he thinks it is but she doesn't.

I've *been* that ex and so I can understand what it feels like and to an extent where she's coming from but still, do you think I should leave them to it? On a side note (ding) she looks (slightly) like an uglier version of me and I wonder if he's just wanting a replacement of her...hmmm

There's really no excuse for her behaviour.

She needs to know that she's out and you're in. She sounds a bit desperate (and I'm pretty sure your guy sees this too) and she's basically trying to make you look bad because she wants what you have.

You need to take her to one side and tell her that shit's not on.

After you make your feelings known to your boyfriend and have his support. You really don't need her going back to him and calling you a jealous cow.

Which I don't think you are by the way!

i'd leave it alone.

obviously there's unfinished business there, and if it was just on her end he'd put a stop to all that baby i still love you nonsense. he must enjoy it or need it on some level to let it continue. or maybe he just loves the attention in which case he'd probably turn out to be a shitty boyfriend anyways.

Thank you for the support. He's not m boyfriend yet...well I wouldn't call him that, I guess we're in the process of it and that is why the issue of her comes up.
I'd feel a bit of a hypocrite as I was still sleeping with my (most recent) ex for almost the entire time he had a girlfriend and so i'd feel that I couldn't say anything to her as I'd behaved in *almost* the exact same way...except I don't think this guy is sleeping with her..well I bloody hope he's not.

yeah i'm inclined to...I have lots going on in my life (not relationship wise) that needs sorting and so yeah, I'd miss it..but ya know? I have told him how off putting it is...and he does his best to reassure me (insert marge simpson style worried hmmm) I mean I guess he doesn't want to hurt her feelings but still...

If he's expressed interest in you he probably thinks she's a bit clingy. I assume he did the breaking up?

Your honesty is refreshing but we're obviously going to take your side as we're never going to hear her side of the story.

If you really like this guy, try to lose her before anything happens because, chances are, she'll ruin anything that happens if she sticks around.

he shouldn't be concerned about her feelings, he should be concerned about yours. if he can't tell her to knock it off, i wouldn't even bother.

Did they live together or anything? I really wanted for my most recent ex to go away for a long, long time...but he wouldn't, and I had a hard time doing anything about it because his shit was still in the apartment and he was paying part of the rent (he's still actually on the lease).

So. I dunno. If there isn't any practical reason for her to still be around, I'd follow Lissie's advice and send him a-packing.

it is SOOOOOOO not your responsibility to tell her to cut it out! he should tell her that calling him baby etc/telling everyone she's still in love with him etc is not cool because they're broke up. she's his problem, he should know she's making you uncomfortable by the way she's acting and he should be the one to tell her to get over it.

and if he's not telling her this, you've got to kind of think there's a reason why...

I think you should leave it alone, it seems like a lot of trouble & heart ache would come up n the future.
Like you said, 4 years is a long time :\
Just back off a bit & see if he goes out of his way to see whats happening with you & him.

I would definitely not get involved with him until she was out of the picture. If my boyfriend's ex was still around telling everyone that she loves him and constantly trying to hang out with him, it would drive me fucking crazy. I would want nothing to do with that. If he really likes you then he'll distance himself from her and make it clear to you that he's done with her.

If you like him just hang and be emotionally aloof and see where it ends up. Keep a 'meh, whatever' attitude about it all for the time being.

ex's suck, stay away!!!

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Thanks for the replies and advice. I think the "whatever" attitude is the best one...plus i'm hoping to go back to university or rather go to university, as an OAP (ha) in september, so I don't really want a big clingy relationship as such.

I'd run for the hills. Since you aren't involved with him yet and you don't seem all that sure if you want to be, you might as well go find yourself another guy whose friends are a little less cloying

on a shallow note, he is rather pretty. Having said that, although he's the guitarist in a band...I really do quite like my skinny, skinny cheekboned indie boys...and he isn't...I mean he's by no means fat...he's just well.. meh...I am putting myself off him now.

That is why you are paranoid. People project thoughts they have onto everyone else and assume they will act or think the same way.

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Juices like wine, like the blood in the sands.

Yes, I am being paranoid...I'll talk to him this week maybe.