This is a long one..if you have the patience and some good advice do share please!!

I'm with a guy who is 22 and we've basically both settled down our ways since we got together, i'm 22 also, we used to both party loads and have both done the whole casual sex thing, he said for a few months before he met me he was really sick of it and realised how shit and lonely it can be, and i can honestly say i've felt the same and feel so much mroe content now. we've been together 4 months and we are so very happy! I had a good break from r/ships before this r/ship started, and now suddenly i'm in a great r/ship where the guy adores me and I adore him and right now we do most things together, and would do anything for each other. so everything seems amazing!!!

Problem: I look around me and mostly all i see is long term r/ships where the guy cheats and the girl is oblivious to it. I feel like I want to be with him for a long time, and he feels like this with me, (though we try not to worry about the future too much)... but i am so afraid of it turning into one of those r/ships, which i know is a pointless worry because you cannot predict the future... I know about some of his friends who sleep around/have slept around alot behind their girlfriend's/ex's back. I asked him about this in the beginning to find out what his view on it is, as i was worried that his friends might represent something about him..obviously i don't know him through and through yet, although we feel so close due to spending practically everyday together for the past 4 months. I know you cannot judge somebody completely on their friends, and if a guy will cheat he will cheat whether his friends do or not most probably, but i just wanted to find out his viewpoint. he said he would never cheat on me/adores me/doesn't give a crap about other ppl's r-ships and just cares about me and him, which is fair enough. i didn't wanna hassle him about it or put a downer on us or accuse him when he's done nothing but be good to me. but i just worry that because he's young his friends might be the type to score brownie points off each other with their phillandering ways!! he has about two friends that don't cheat on their gfs, and his brother hasn't cheated and he has been in a r-ship for two years, lives with his gf and adores her, so i guess that is some proof at least that these guys do exist...hmm...

then there's another couple i know, who are about 24, they live together and i know he's slept with somebody else i know a cpl of times, so he's cheated on someone who he's been with for years. now i know this is none of my business really and i don't know what it's like in their r/ship and of course i have no right to judge...really...but for gods sake...are there actually ANY guys out there who stay with a girl for years and years and years and just stay faithful and are HAPPY to do so??? ANY??? Or is it an inevitability that in a long r/ship the guy will get bored and have to shag around a bit to occupy himself?? argh!! i know i sound crazy.

And I know i'm going all round the houses here but my point is, there are just so so so many young cpls around where the guy cheats and its perfectly acceptable, i know about girls who are being cheated on and i find that quite degrading for them quite frankly that i'm a complete stranger, have never met them, but i know these personal details...i know you're probably thinking well what does it matter what other people get up to if ur happy in ur r-ship? and believe me i feel like i'm being irrational and worrying about things i can't control here, but i'm driving myself crazy about it...i never thought i would worry like this about someone. why can't i just chill the hell out and enjoy every moment as it comes? i hate feeling this paranoid and i don't want to destroy my r-ship, so i don't mention it too much to my bf, and he always reassures me anyway and would do anything...

I guess what I'm asking is, does anybody know of any young couples that have been together for a heck of a long time and not cheated? or guys that are very happy to keep their penis in their pants and just have their gf??? I just feel like the odds are against us and i couldn't bear to get my heart broken...so in a way, and this is me being totally negative, i feel like what's the point... this is a sad state of affairs that i'm thinking like this i know...i just have to vent and listen to some good advice! i'm so cynical about men, i can't help but feel like the majority are dogs, and i'm afraid of the future...and i don't want to spoil my r/ship!!

and by the way i am aware that many women cheat, i'm not just being sexist.

my boyfriend's first real relationship lasted for four years. she refused to do anything past making out for the entire duration of their relationship. i knew them both for the last half of their time together and i can vouch that he never once cheated on her, despite the lack of sex.

i think it's important that you try to not project his friends' doings onto him, too. my best friend could beat any guy any day of the week at that game (she used to have relationships with two to three men at once without any of them knowing about one another and not one of them ever cheated on her) but i am nothing like that myself, and would be quite irritated if someone were to assume i do the same thing (i'm the polar opposite in fact). simiarly several of my other girl friends have cheated on their partners at one time or another.

without trust there's no relationship. it's hard to trust people in that context especially if you haven't known them as a friend or person for a considerable time period, but there've been many faithful relationships and marraiges without that time as friends/acquaintances too. keep your eyes open for more subtle hints at trustworthiness, and it should ease your mind or give you a reason to decide if you can't trust him.

No.
But you can make it
Worrying about cheating is often what breaks down a relationship, from what i have heard

thanx for ur advice rozalia

you're right that without trust there is no point, and i have to say that ultimately when it comes down to it i do trust him. but things just happen sometimes like at parties when people are wrecked, and girls who will sleep with guys with gfs are there...

i just worry about the future..and i worry that because we've been going 4 months i won't know the signs to look out for if he did start messing around, which is ridiculous i know. all of this is. i guess this is just the way life is and we can never guarantee anything. as far as i know right now in my heart of hearts i wouldn't ever cheat on him but how does he know that for sure? he just puts his trust in me.

also i hate the argument that some men come up with that 'it's just sex' and they separate love from sex in that way, and so things they do with other girls don't count and they don't feel guilty...i've heard and seen that in a few...and it troubles me...but it shouldn't!! why the hell do i care??? i should just relax and go with the now and be happy. but there's times when i just can't stop thinking about all this.

no as in you've never known of a LTR where the guy doesn't get bored and start messing around?

i know loads of couples where the guy doesn't sleep around. in fact i struggle to think of couples where anyone *does* sleep around (except in open relationships)

My advice would be to trade in your skanky cheating friends for some normal people so that you can stop worrying about whether or not your boyfriend will cheat on you and learn how to trust people.

I've known of many relationships where the guy hasn't cheated. But it's really not that normal around here, and guys aren't impressed when other guys do it, at least the ones I know.

But all of that doesn't matter anyway. Like the others said, you've got to have trust, b/c a lack of trust can destroy a relationship (I know, I've been pretty close to that with my current relationship and it has gone both ways).

Just go with the flow and enjoy the relationship. As it progresses, and you get to know him more fully, you'll surely feel more relaxed about this. There's no use in worrying yourself so early when you should just be having a great time.

Finally, this might seem like an odd thing to say but it wont be the end of the world if he does cheat on you and you end up breaking up. If it were to happen, it would of course hurt but life would go on. I don't mean to be so flippant about it - I'm not one for tolerating cheating and I'm as sensitive as any other when it comes to relationships - but if it happens, you'll eventually get through it and be able to get on with life. Point is: why weigh your relationship down with such worries?

I don't know where you got the idea that ALL guys cheat. That's a generalization and it's not true at all. I've known plenty of guys who are not cheaters. I've been in a serious relationship with my bf for over two years and he has not cheated and would never cheat.

You should not be worrying about this unless your boyfriend has actually given you a reason to think he would cheat.

<<but things just happen sometimes like at parties when people are wrecked, and girls who will sleep with guys with gfs are there...>>

Yeah, i know that feeling too. A girl I am friends with has a boyfriend in a locally popular band, and a girl she was semi-friends with tried to convince her boyfriend to sleep with her, saying my friend would "never know" he fortunately was disgusted by this girl's attempts rather than tempted.

If you boyfriend were to actually take the bait though that would say something about his integrity and as depressing as it is, it would speak volumes as to whether or not he's a keeper.

<<also i hate the argument that some men come up with that 'it's just sex' and they separate love from sex in that way, and so things they do with other girls don't count and they don't feel guilty>>

People who feel this way have no business being in relationships. And I often wonder: if their girlfriends took that same approach and fucked a guy in a one night stand, would they still feel the same about it only being sex, or do they try to use the (false) assumption that women aren't as sexual, and a woman who would do that is a 'slut'?

its not always the guy. i was in an 8 year relationship and married the guy and i cheated on him. hey, you never know.

Fuckin' A. Nice post.

__________________
That's when I reach for my revolver
That's when it all gets blown away
That's when I reach for my revolver
The spirit fights to find its way

It's fantanstic that your relationship is so lovely so far, but it's truly hard to tell what might happen in the future.

__________________
ignorance is no excuse for stupidity

There are lots of people who feel love and sex and relationships are separate. And they have them all anyway. But you're right that it shouldn't be used as an excuse for going behind someone's back.

i consider my relationship short still considering how long ive lived and how long i plan to live, but after six years reed and i have never considered it. i cant imagine, nor can he. we are thick as thieves and still lusty and forthright and the more we know each other the more we are committed and amazed and in love.

even when we fight.

__________________
When I awoke, the Dire Wolf
Six hundred pounds of sin
Was grinning at my window
All I said was "Come on in".
Grateful Dead

I guess I am and will most likely to be still in one.
Those kinds of guys who stay faithful tend to have their big faults else where......after all, they're only human! Just agree it amoungst yourselves that if it ever came to that, that you'll either talk it out or break up before he ever 'cheats.' There really isn't anything else you can do....and for your own sake, have more faith in these things!

Of course anything is possible. I'm not so naive that I think my relationship is perfect and it's 100% guaranteed to last forever. I'm just saying that the statement that ALL guys eventually cheat is a generalization and it's stupid. Some guys cheat and some guys don't. Some girls cheat and some girls don't. You should not sit around worrying that your bf might cheat unless he has given you a REASON to think so.

<<There are lots of people who feel love and sex and relationships are separate. And they have them all anyway. But you're right that it shouldn't be used as an excuse for going behind someone's back.>>

Yeah, there are, hence open relationships. What I was wondering about though are these men in monogamous relationships who expect to be able to sleep around yet their partner can't, at least that's how i read the girl's statement, that that's how the men she knows are. Open relationships IMO are a different story and are totally acceptable when both parties agree. It's when the "I can, she can't" statements come in, although I could have simply understood her statement wrong.

Yeah, loads of people manage. Really though, it doesn't "matter". I mean, obviously ideally no-one cheats, but if it's a slip-up and both of them can deal with it, it's fine.

i understand how you feel.

almost all of my bf's friends have cheated at one point or another, some of them are constantly cheating on their girlfriends or wives.

it's really scary to look at it and say how, out of this whole group of guys, did i manage to get the one that doesn't cheat.

but like somebody else said. you just have to trust him until he gives you a reason not to. ignore everything else.