Please do NOT send me private messages or anything telling me what a slut or idiot I am for what I'm about to write. I'm not posting this cus I want attention. I really want someone to give me advice on what to do to move on from this horrible situation. And this it not a "pity me!" thing either. I take responsibility for this situation. But I know that I'm sharing that with quite the prick.


Alright.
So, I was dating this guy for three weeks (since just after New Years til two weekends ago) and he broke up with me in a very cruel way. He spazzed at me over little things all night at his friend's party - which he had invited me to - and then when I called him on it and said "Why have you been mean to me or really obviously ignored me all night?" and he said "You're really clingy." I thought 'oh shit, I called him too much or something'...oh no, that's not what he meant at all. He meant simply that I took everything too seriously because I expected him to be monogomous if we were dating...Right before we started dating, he was sorta seeing four different girls at once (none of them considered themselves his 'girlfriends' I'm pretty sure) and then he said that they meant nothing to him, he couldn't talk to them about anything, they were dumb and that he would call them and tell them he wasn't going to see them anymore so that he could be with me. I did not TELL him to do any of this. I was thinking that we'd play it by ear at the start and not rush into anything, yet I asked him if he was serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me and he assured me that he wanted that and asked me how could I think other wise...Yet, then, at his own friend's fucking party, he tells me that he never really wanted that and he just said it because he felt that he had to. Asshole eh? But we have mutual friends and I'm bestfriends with his sister, so I ended up seeing him this past Saturday night, which was his 18th birthday.

We were getting drunk in a park with a couple people and after we'd got really drunk he said he needed to talk to me. He apologized to me but I was so intoxicated that I couldn't make sense of what he was saying but at the time I could sense that he still didn't get how he hurt me so badly. Everything he said sounded so cocky and rehearsed and he said "it wasn't my intention to hurt you at all" but then maybe he should have picked a better time to break up with me (especially since, considering he invited a girl he was kinda into to the same party who he proceeded to flirt with in front of me before we broke up, he chose a really bad situation where I was kinda drunk and at HIS friend's house and was planning on sleeping there and then had to leave and get on the bus and go sleep at my friend's house at 2 a.m.) or fucking told me when we were talking about the option of dating and seeing each other in a romantic and monogomous way, that he only wanted to see me to fuck me and didn't like me that much in a more-than-friendly way.

Anyways, after his apology, we ended up kissing. I have no idea how it started but we were getting really into it and pretty soon his hands new no boundaries. Then our friends said we should all head home, it was freezing outside, getting late etc. so we all walked to the station. I called my mom at the station and told her that I was sleeping at my dad's house and would be at his house in like 20 minutes......This ex boyfriend grabbed my hand and pulled me off the subway at his stop, even though I needed to stay on for one more so that I could go to my dad's place. I wasn't quite aware of what was happening, but we went into the stairwell right next to the subway platform and he whipped his cock out. I gave him head for like a minute but then realized what I was doing, where I was doing it and insisted that he pull his pants up and that I needed to go home right away, as my dad was expecting me shortly. The train pulled in, and he got on with me...We got in to the subway station in my dad's area and as we were walking out of the station he looked in the direction of the men's washroom and suggested we go in there. I told him he was crazy and we should go to the big park in the area if he wanted to do anything. We went back and forth for a few seconds and because I was drunk and very foolish (which are not directly linked) I relented and we went into a bathroom stall. ..... About an hour later, five cops were in the bathroom banging on the door and so we threw on our clothes and got out. Then they talked to us for about twenty minutes and told us that they had had 9 complaints saying that they could see a girl on her knees from under the stall. The cops drove me home and talked to my dad and explained everything to him. My dad and mom are talking to me now like everything's fine (after some intense talks with each of them) and I have to pay a ticket (but my mom thinks the cops did not handle the situation and lied to me because they said that 9 people saw from under the stall door but on my ticket it says there were 'no witnesses') and I'm grounded until school's out for summer. *hums the Alice Cooper song*

The icing on top of the cake in this story is that: this guy was so bossy to me the entire time we were in the bathroom and in the morning he called me to ask why the police got tickets...He remembered apologizing to me, kissing me in the park, then wondering where his friends were and why he was alone with me, and next thing he knew the police were talking to him. It's mighty convenient that he forgot that he pulled down his pants and asked me to suck him off in a fucking subway station stairwell, and it's also pretty bizarre that he APPARENTLY did not remember even being in the bathroom of the other subway station. He told me - the morning after - that he didn't even think we went further than kissing that night. Granted, he was wasted. But just as much as I was and I remember quite a lot. Also, if he was as drunk as he's claiming to be , by saying that he doesn't remember anything in between leaving the park where we drank at and talking to the cops, it's surprising that he didn't puke during the entire time I was with him. Very surprising...He also called me the morning after to tell me that no one should know that we kissed. "It never happened" he said.

This guy is the biggest fucking scumbag ever, and yet I still kinda have a crush on him. I knew him for almost a year before we hooked up and we got along fine. So I am totally shocked by how he started acting since the night he dumped me.

Here's my question to anyone who can help: I feel disgusting, ashamed, embarrased, crushed, violated, I'm angry for letting myself down like that and putting myself in that position, and I feel as if I'm still in the bathroom with him with him all over me, telling me what to do. How do I shake that feeling? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I want to get rid of this gross feeling. I feel nasty and custy and worthless and whorish and pathetic and stupid. I want to feel like I'm stronger and get over it and know that I will never let anyone do that to me again and most importantly do that to myself again. Anyone have something empowering to say? Tips for how to feel good about myself again? Suffice it to say, next time I see this scumbag, which will be at my bestfriend's birthday party at her place (if I'm ungrounded for that which I hope I am cus I'm in charge of music and I told her I'd bring the birthday cake and she's amazing and I want to be there) I am going to give him a piece of my mind if he tries to talk to me about it. And if he tries to fuck me I will tell him that unless he's a changed man he's not going to touch me. But I know not to trust him or underestimate the cruelty and misogyny that he's capable of. Another bad thing about this situation, he asked out one of my good friends the NIGHT after he broke up with me. She said no but then the week after, just before me and him saw each other and that whole bathroom fiasco happened, she was crying to me because she thinks she really really likes him and she feels so guilty because of how he treated me and that I still like him (which I still do, despite this, because I remember how he acted when we were dating and before New Years) I don't want to tell her about this because if it gets back to him, he'll flip out at me and it will cause all this drama with our mutual friends. Yet, I know that if she is drinking around him at a party sometime, or even if she's sober since I told her that I would understand if she did something with him because she really does like him, I'd just be worried that he'd fuck her over like he did me with the way he went about dumping me, I know that she'd take the chance and hook up with him. And if something like this happened to her, I would be so mad at myself for not explaining this bathroom thing to her in advance so she steered clear of him and his shit.

No one needs to tell me that I'm stupid or call me a slut: I already feel like both of these. Mistakes happen, and I've promised my father that I will not drink again until I am of legal age, which is a promise I intend to keep.

Please talk to me someone, my friends have not been through anything like this, they are all far too innocent and cautious and don't really hang out with any boys (and quite a few are lesbians) so I can't turn to them. I also have only told a couple of my friends cus I don't trust the others to not tell lots of other people or shittalk me with each other or judge me. They wouldn't understand at all how it happened and why it did. I get it: I was a) horny b) entertaining hopes that he realized he still liked me, which is why he gave me some 'passion'ate kisses and c) under the influence of far too much alochol. Not to mention, I am way too easily influenced by people that I want to like me. Including my friends. So yeah, I feel there are people on kittyradio.com far better able to cheer me up and make me (metaphorically) come out of that gross men's washroom stall. Today at school I felt so clustered by everyone that was crowding the halls and I felt disgusting and dirty and that I have this horrible secret and I don't know how to stop feeling like that.

Advice: shorter paragraphs.

thats just awful. im so sorry you had to go through this

I didn't get through all of it. But it sounds like you just need to realize that some guys are pieces of shit and it's best for you to just leave him alone. You know you need to. Occupy yourself with someone else or something else. You don't need to allow anyone to treat you like that. You can't get rid of the feelings that you have. You just have to move on and DON't allow him or anyone else to do this again. It is in your power.

It isn't the end of the world you will come across many other pieces of shit. you can't fall for every single one of them. It would be in your best interest to change that habit now. My mom likes pieces of shit , she is 49 and she has wasted the majority of her life on pieces of shit. Don't be her.

thankyou for saying so

we all have these kinds of fucked up nights. well, most of us do, anyways. just screw your head on straight and do what you think is right, and you'll be fine. just learn to forgive yourself for silly teenage mistakes. shit happens. doesn't mean you're a slut or a bad person or you have shitty luck with men. just means you had a weird night. it'll only haunt you if you let it.

and really, the guy might not neccessarily be a piece of shit... he's 18.

So let me clarify something, you blow a guy in a public toilet and then cry about it then next day because it's all his fault?

A good solution would be to keep your mouth closed and your legs shut next time. I do believe you control your own jaw/tongue movements and should take responsibility for your own slutty actions, instead of playing the poor innocent victim role, unless I am mistaken?

you should stop trying to be funny at this girl's expense. she already feels like shit about it. needlessly.

i completely agree with this.

i still get the heebie jeebies sometimes when i think about things i've done and the people i've done those things with. i know it's hard for you now, but hopefully you'll learn something from it and you will get over it, probably sooner than you think. don't be so hard on yourself.

How could anyone possibly feel like shit about choosing to blow a guy in a men's public toilet? Maybe there weren't "police" outside the door, but a janitor waiting to clean up after them.

see, you lost the punchline there. anyways, why make someone feel bad for what they've already done? especially if it didn't harm anyone but themselves?

whatever. just please stop being so boring. you were way more fun last year, when you first did your schtick.

thumbscrew:
what do you mean maybe there weren't police outside the door?
They talked to me after and gave me a ticket, there definitely were. And I think that if there had been a janitor, he or she would have banged on the door and told us to get the fuck out before he or she called the cops.

And I fully realize that it's not all his fault, but I'm pissed because when I talked to him in the morning he said that he didn't know that anything more than kissing happened (which, based on what I know of him now, I totally don't think is the truth) and he called me to tell me that "it never happened" and acted so cavalier about the whole thing. Yes, I let this happen but I was never mean to him or controlling of him in any way and he's known me for about a year and yet he acts like I'm just a screwtoy. Which, obviously I proved myself to be the other night, I just wanted to get someone's advice for a good, clean way to move on from this. You don't have to be so mean about it. I'm not sexist enough to automatically blame the guy, I was actually going to call him in the morning cus I was so worried that after two cops drove me home and he was left with the other 4 (or 5) that they might've physically hurt him (which happens quite a bit to teens) since there was something incredibly cruel and vile about the way that they spoke to us. I was actually so worried that they hurt him and then when I did speak to him on the phone, before I had a chance to ask if he was alright, he asked me a) what happened last night that caused us to get tickets from the police and b) told me that what he did remember (which he says was just that we kissed) "never happened." That really upset me. Believe me, until the morning I wasn't mad at him. He actually asked the cops if he could walk me home after they were done talking to me, but they wouldn't let him and they wouldn't let him come in their car with me. I was worried sick in case they hurt him and in the morning he basically shrugged the whole thing off.

a big thankyou to everyone else who commented saying nice things!

And thumbscrew, while I don't like that you called me a slut I do understand your perspective. I'm sure that it seems like I'm just being a stupid girl and not taking responsibility for what I chose to do in a really gross place, but if you read my original post, I said quite a few times that I know it is my fault and I drank too much and let myself get hurt. I just want tips on how to prove my self-worth again. To myself.

wtf has "punchline" and "schtick" got to do with anything? If i've got an opinion and someone asks, then I'm going to say/type it. It's probably from people like you saying useless things like 'don't worry about it honey bun, it's just one of those things' which made her ignore all possible consequences before she did it anyway. If she has done something that disgusting then she needs to feel like shit so she learns to think before she acts.

But I don't want to feel disgusting forever. Is that too much to ask for? This was one thing, it happened on one night. I've spent three days feeling terrible about myself and I've spent the majority of that time thinking very hard about this whole thing. I just want to move on now but I have never been good at doing that.

i never realised you were so sadly closed-minded. i think, if anyone in this thread is fucked up, it's you. for having a need to make a person feel "disgusting" about ANYTHING. regardless of what she did, do you really think shame and guilt are healthy ways to modify behaviour?

and REGARDLESS of that, shame and guilt and disgust are all very personal feelings that you really don't have a right to instill in anyone but yourself. of course this is the internet and you can do whatever you like. but i think you're being an ass. and i'd bet $20 you're a virgin. $100 says closeted gay virgin.

Basically you are going to feel ick/gross/embarrassed about this for a long time, which is a shame because the guy sounds like a complete dick who didn't deserve you. The heart is a treacherous, irrational organ above all other things and everyone on this board has done something embarrassing under its influence. Its a pisser, cause the opposite sex (or the same sex if you swing that way) can make you feel like shit in ways you by yourself never could.

Anyhooooo, as for moving on, you don't owe this guy any debt of silence. Tell anyone you want, and if he says he "can't remember it" say he is either a) lying, because really drunk people can't get it up or b) just point out that then he really must not be able to handle his alcohol. He sounds like a real twat- I mean, some of it you can blame on immaturity but most is just him being a complete and utter wanker. Warn your friend. Focus on how much you now dislike him to get over him. And even though it doesn't seem so now, one day you really will laugh about the time you got the cops banging down the loo door. Recast it into a funny story, and it will become so.