| Is your partner emotionally illiterate?
What we say or do in the course of a day could turn out to be not as mundane as we might think. “These bids can be a question, a look, an affectionate touch on the arm, or any expression that says “I want to feel connected to you.” The emotional needs met by the bids make you feel included, in control of your life and liked.
We learn to make emotional bids in infancy, and practice this throughout childhood in our family relationship. Having parents who are not adapt at reading and responding to our bids can have profound and lasting effects on our adult relationships, both friendly and romantic.
This does not mean all hope is lost, however, as the ability to read and respond positively to emotional bids can be learned at any time. It just takes the realization that you may not be as aware as you think, and the decision to learn how to read your partner.
Gottman says typical happy couple may make as many as 100 emotional bids toward each other over the course of a single dinner hour. He found in his research that husbands who eventually became divorced ignored the bids from their wives 82% of the time, compared to 19% for men in stable marriages. Woman who later divorced ignored the husbands bids 50% of the time, compared to 14% of thoughts who remain married.
The opportunity for emotional connection is possible. Every time we engage in conversation. When a partner attempts for connection are not met, eventually the partner stops trying and the relationship turns sour. Unhappy marriages rarely bid at all, and you may recognize thoughts as “roommate marriages”.
On the other hand, the more positive bids are made and received, the happier the relationship. And these positive effects can continue, even over rough spots. It’s as if you’ve crated a positive “love balance” in your emotional banks that you can draw on latter. You can let each other slide al little, because you have both have focused on keeping a constant, positive connection.
The moral of Gottman’s research? Kindness works. Respect is crucial. Treat your partner as well as you would any guest in your house. Show interest in what your partner says and you will build up a bigger “love balance” . Look for the good in your partner and tell them when you find it. Say what you like out loud and thank them when they give you more of it. Return your partners bids with positive interest and you will have more happiness in your life.
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