ok. so.
it's recently been brought to my attention (again) that (some) people think i may be a sociopath. now, i personally think that my worry and stress and confusion over being given this title, negates the possibility of me being a sociopath at all. because a real sociopath wouldn't worry about being a sociopath or not. and i do.

anyhow. i think a consistent problem in my life has been my lack of human emotion, and oftentimes coming off as "robotic" to people who're close to me. and it's not that i don't have feelings... i just don't have alot of them. but i HAVE them.

and i know that i feel alot more through empathy, or thinking critically about another person's situation/experience than i do through my own experiences.

for example, a good friend of mine recently learned he's going blind and is getting divorced from a person he really loves. now, i hear that an empathize with that, and sortof feel for him things like disappointment, abandonment, loneliness, sadness, frustration, self-worth questioning, purpose of life, etc. but if this exact same thing happened to me (more specifically a relationship ending, than to the blindness) my response would really be "oh well.."

wtf is that? that i can feel more for other people, and literally feel their emotions for them, but can't feel my own (and subsequently, have no desire to).

i just don't see why getting emotional makes any situation better or worse. for example, yesterday a wildfire swept through the mountains where my job is, a burned over 150 acres, everyone had to evacuate, etc.

i feel like i'm expected to cry over this, or get really angry and/or upset. but i dont feel that way. at all... i mean, fire is a natural event. it has to happen for the ecosystem to continue to exist, and without getting into a short essay on the pros of wildfires as a biological/ecological event, i know that in the end they're far more beneficial than any property damage they may cause (and honestly, maybe people shouldn't be surprised when wildfires happen.. when you build something in the middle of a state park, obviously, it's going to happen eventually).

point is, the person i first told about this whole fire situation said he felt really bad and depressed about it, and as a result wanted to quit his former activity and just lay down for a while. and while i appreciate that depth of empathy, is it totally bitchy and cruel for me to think that's just over dramatic and a rather un-necessary reaction?

and i said that, in response, and then it ended up in the "i feel, but you don't, ever, because you're a sociopath" realm. again.


ok, this is really long. i'm going to stop now.
but really, wtf?

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yeah. i get that a lot. my therapist even called me a robot. i'm really monotoned too so it doesn't help. are your parents like that? i've always figured i'm very 'oh well..' about things because my dad never shows any emotional response to situations. he only acts logical and rational. or did someone ever mock you for getting emotional when you were younger, like a parent or sibling? 'cause then i can see how you might subconsciously learn to supress those feelings or just stop feeling them. you don't sound like a sociopath. just very... logical?

with the wildfire especially. when any natural disaster happens i think people get too emotional over it. sure, there's loss and it's obviously not enjoyable but hurricanes, fires, etc. come with living on earth. we know it's going to happen at some point-- it's not 'unfair' or 'unjust'.

EXACTLY.

my mother is hyper-emotional (bipolar) and i really hate that about her. it was/is impossible to argue with someone who can't see past emotion. she bases all her life on "i feel.." and "i think.." even if those are totally irrational thoughts/feelings. and my father is a master of hiding emotions, and never ever shares them. i've never once (in nearly 22 years) heard him say "i love you" to anyone, ever. the closest he's ever got is saying "well, that looks alright" a handful of times.

hmmmm.. this is a curious can of worms, now. and i think the only times i've ever really desperately felt an emotion (frustration or just knowing 'this isn't right', namely) and tried frantically to share/express it with people who could fix things... they didn't. and always told me to "calm down" and that it "wasnt that big of a deal". when it was a big deal.

maybe as a result, i just stopped.
BUT, i dont want it back, feeling like that. feeling that frustrated, that angry. i know i'm capable of it, but i've worked for years (in my adult life) to make sure i don't feel that extreme about anything, ever.

see, there's a buddhist proverb that explains it: " Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." but it's not just anger, i feel like holding on or trying to squeeze every last bit of feeling out of any emotion leaves you burned by it, and furthermore, i think it's a blemish on that emotion, to abuse it in that way. emotions exist for us to communicate (with ourselves, with others) and i think people who're very emotional are those who're too selfish to listen to what the feeling has to say/teach you. and as a result, they just keep "feeling" things, but really it's like.. the phrase "history is bound to repeat itself until you learn from it", and i think that's the same for emotions. certain emotions are going to keep coming up (in various forms, circumstances, levels of severity) until you learn what you need to from them, and move on.

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yeah. well it sounds like emotions have been represented as a bad thing. your mother: dramatic and hypersensitive, and your father: unfeeling and robotic (which you've probably picked up since it's the better of the two, easier to deal with). my guess is that since you've had those polar opposites shown to you there's never been a healthy balance for you to mimick and pick up as your own way of deal with things. and then in those moments of desperation you're having all those suppressed memories all coming out at once, having things from ages ago pent up and manifest themselves elsewhere. i'm taking guesses here and it's obviously more complicated but it seems to be a good start?

i don't think you've stopped feeling though. it may seem like ti but that's probably how you deal with things, to just bypass all the messy emotions and move on to rationalizing it. and yeah, i agree that you definitely get 'burned' by holding onto things. it's much better to get out any negative or even positive energy when you feel it or else it starts to change new feelings and how you deal with proceeding situations.

have you read The Drama of the Gifted Child? (gifted in the sense of getting over childhood traumas). it basically says that from infancy to pre-adolescence our way of dealing with situations is molded, predominantly by our parents. it seems very straight forward but it goes through many examples of how something seemingly small in early childhood can determine a person's personality. the first chapter 'why we become therapists' (or something) spoke to me the most (since that's what i want to go into after highschool). it describes how one type of person will use intellectualization as a defense mechanism and will rational every situation instead of incorporating emotion. and when they do use emotion it's to help other people. (perfect recipe for a good therapist). it's really interesting. i recommend it.