hello!

i made a thread about this a little while ago but it was ruined by everybody's favourite tomsk.

well, i'm into my 6th month of a relationship with my boyfriend. i have a few problems. i think a little background will help so here's a quick outline of my previous 2 relationships:

#1. manic drepressive drug addict who tried to kill himself before we were together. told me he loved me very early on, relied on me emotionally but cheated on me several times.

#2. mental case as it turned out. nobody told me his ex had a restraining order out on him...he slapped me about, strangled me etc. etc. didn't let me see my friends, was verbally abusive. i could go on.

i'm getting myself into a state because i'm not getting any emotion from my current boyfriend at all. i love him but i haven't told him because i don't feel that he'll say it back. when we're apart, sometimes it feels like he doesn't care at all. when we're together though, it's different. he's so affectionate and we get on like a house on fire. sometimes when we having sex, i could believe he loves me from the way he looks at me. he's told me he's not an emotional person, he hates it when i tell him i'm worried about us. he never seems to understand why i would be. we never talk about that relationship, we're both so shy in that way.

here are my questions:

1. do you think this is normal, to not have made any grand statements of feeling by 6 months?(i think i'm just used to nutters.)
2. what's a good way to bring up 'relationship talk' without scaring off a young (18) guy with no relationship experience or being scared myself.
3. should i set more store by his affection than his silence?

if you read this much you deserve a medal.

i love you kr! x

i have no advice for you. but i would like my medal now please.

I'm not sure but if he doesn't understand why you'd be worried about the two of you, he must be comfortable with whats going on. As well as the way things are going. I'm guessing he'll express how he feels later on when hes ready.

Btw I would also like my medal

i get like that soemtimes too because of past relationships. chris doesnt really say i love you often. he says he doesnt because when he does say it it will mean more. and it does. but sometimes it makes me worry. actions do speak louder than words. you can tell more about a person by their actions than their words BUT sometimes you just need to hear it to be reassured.
i think your situation is pretty normal considering the backstory.
and you said he's never been in a relationship before? do you think that maybe he's just as scared?
i dunno, i usually tend to find that guys express their emotions more through action than through words. i dont think you should be worried yet!

i agree. i think boys maybe show their emotion physically rather than verbally because it's easier and isn't as definite a statement. he hasn't been in a relationship before i don't think. we haven't even talked about histories with other people. i'm wary of bringing mine up (although he knows some because we were friends of sorts before we got together) because i worry that it'll scare him away. do you think girls in general need to hear the words more? x

i dont know. we're just wired differently i guess. girls are talkers. guys arent. but yeah we definately respond more to hearing the words, its like one of those AND NOW I KNOW FOR SURE type things.
its that whole men are from mars and women are from venus thing.
the way i figure it tho is a guy wouldnt stick around for 6 months if he didnt care about you to some degree.

1. do you think this is normal, to not have made any grand statements of feeling by 6 months?(i think i'm just used to nutters.)

yes, it is normal. maybe he just isnt the kind of person who gives a lot of affection through words or actions. some people just cant say those sort of things, and some people just dont even THINK to.

i know from my ex boyfriend that when you are the kind of person who gives a lot of affection or can say those sort of things or tell people your feelings it is very hard at the time to understand why he cant just say it or say something that shows he cares, and it is so damn fucking irritating when they dont! but you cant change them as a person

at the end of the day you either deal with it/end up so frustrated and upset because you just want to know these things/or wait and wait and see if he does change as he gets futher in to the relationship, which he may well do.

with my ex, i know i hated it and it drove me mad because i was so different to him "emotionally", we were together nearly two years and i always thought he would be more affectionate as time went on, but he wasnt! i couldnt deal with it because i need to be shown more affection and so in the end it didnt really work and we are just friends now


2. what's a good way to bring up 'relationship talk' without scaring off a young (18) guy with no relationship experience or being scared myself.

id say dont bring it up, these things shouldnt be planned. it will happen when it happens or feels right for you to speak about it

__________________
no no never say maybe to smack bunny baby again.

1. There is NO such thing as normal.

2. Guys hate relationship talk. They are not wired the same way as we are, no matter how hard we try to make them fit. Guys are doers and fixers and builers. They don't sit around and analyze and talk about relationships with their friends.

However, if you really really want to know, you have to accept what they say, so don't ask them unless you can handle the answer. The best thing you can do if you want this guy is to respect what he says. There IS no "Yeah but...his eyes say something else." Not with guys. If you corner him with THOSE kind of questions, you have to live with the answer. If he says "no" let it be. It's the best shot you'll have at him changing his mind.

3. 18 year-old boys are nothing, if not horny. No matter how shy, inexperienced or whatever he may be, if he wants you (I don't mean just your body) but the whole deal....he'll figure it out. Just try to not assume things or pin certain "feelings" on him that he hasn't expressed.

Life is nothing but a bunch of distractions. We all just choose what distractions suit us at the moment...I know I did that with the guys in my life. "I know he loves me...he does this/looks at me like that in private!" Well, if that is what kept me going for awhile or made me feel great while I should've been doing other mundane things, that's what I focused on. Honestly, those guys had little interest like what I imagined until it was too late and i was moving on. Sad but true.

Make sure, before you try pinning him down, that you are serious about this boy and he's not simply distracting you from something bigger or scarier. I hurt some boys because I thought I needed them instead of something else.

OK...that's my one cent advice. Good Luck and keep us posted. I always like to hear the outcome of this stuff!