| Boyfriend Criteria
Some friends and I were talking at a party about another friend of ours, who had come up with a 123 item long list of criteria they were looking for in a boyfriend. Which we all thought was ridiculously picky. But once you start going, its morbidly addictive... Here is my list:
1. Attractive
2. Good sense of humour
3. Willing to laugh at themselves
4. Willing to laugh at all my jokes because its polite dammit!
5. Good personal hygiene
6. Scrupulously honest unless it would be tactless to be so
7. Good in bed
8. 6 foot minimum
9. No bad skin
10. Strictly no back hair
11. No desire to ever grow a beard, or a moustache
12. No nose hair or ear hair
13. No knife/gunshot scars or giant tattoos
14. No knob piercings (I am sure that can’t be hygienic)
15. No gold teeth
16. No silly regional accents (like Scouse or Geordie)
17. Never uses the word “innit” unless to take the piss
18. Does not know the model of his trainers
19. Does not own Rebook Classics
20. Never wears gold jewelry
21. Does not own, nor will ever own, skinny fit jeans
22. Does not go to the gym more than once a week
23. Does not have biceps thicker than my thighs
24. Does not have a higher pitched voice than me
25. Is not skinnier than I am
26. Reads the newspaper but does not read The Daily Mail, The Telegraph or The Guardian
27. No champagne socialists or racists
28. No gingers (we are too rare to interbreed)
29. Not a morning person
30. Perfectly willing to be woken up in the middle of the night to talk to me because I am bored and can’t sleep
31. Doesn’t snore
32. Doesn’t sleepwalk (I have seen that TV show on Sleepwalkers that Kill!)
33. Doesn’t have massive jealousy issues
34. Is willing either live in squalor, or tidy up after me, without nagging
35. Does not think, just because I am a girl, that I should cook, clean and tidy
36. Likes my friends
37. Has a job nice enough that I don’t have to pay for everything
38. Likes travelling
39. Does not have any class A drug habits
40. No gambling addicts/ girlfriend beaters/other hidden undesirable qualities
41. Doesn’t get embarrassingly drunk
42. Doesn’t smoke
43. Doesn’t enjoy romantic comedies or other girlie things that even I don’t like
44. Does not care about televised sports
45. Does not fanatically support a football team
46. Never expects me to watch them play any sport
47. Can apologise in creative ways (everyone likes a good apology)
48. Agrees with the party line that I am ALWAYS right, therefore they can’t be
49. Does not know what Dungeons and Dragons is
50. Does not play those weird online fantasy games
51. Is in other words, not a ginorma-nerd
52. Never utters the phrase “X type of music will never die!”
53. Considers dogs to be heinous and unclean
54. Is at least ambivalent towards my cat
55. No silly allergies. They aren’t manly and they are nature’s way of saying “You are fired”.
56. Is not scared of bugs/rodents/bats, so I don’t have to deal with them
57. Knows how to drive, so I don’t always have to be chauffeur
58. Is willing to do all the boring car maintenance things on my car I can’t be bothered to do
59. Likes sending postcards
60. Understands my irrational hatred of pigeons, clowns, feet and puppets
61. Is not mad keen on cultural pursuits like the theatre and the opera
62. Does not like to talk about their job (unless its actually interesting)
63. Does not have any kind of job where we are both likely to be tracked down and slaughtered (i.e. undercover policeman, drug baron, mafia boss etc)
64. Doesn’t have one of those 100 hour a week jobs, where I never get to see them
65. Likes to dance and go clubbing (but does not meet any of the criteria from the “No Wankers” sketch from Monkey Dust)
66. No previous wife/ children
67. No religious nutters
68. No conspiracy theorists
69. Understands I am slightly OCD about my vegetarianism and doesn’t say stuff like “you can just pick the bits of meat off your bit”
70. Likes chocolate (thus we can share puddings)
71. Appreciates that Scrubs is one of the funniest programmes on television
72. Does not talk through my favourite television programmes but is willing to talk through the rest
73. Knows how to make a sock monkey (or is willing to learn)
74. Appreciates that glo-sticks make pretty much any evening better
75. Hangs up wet towels
76. Doesn’t do that annoying thing with toilet seats
77. Is chivalrous
78. Is not a lot dumber than I am…
79. But not a lot smarter either
80. Lives within half an hour of my house (I am lazy)
81. Has no desire to get round by two-wheeled transport
82. Does not have dangerous hobbies I have to worry about them surviving
83. Brings me breakfast in bed and the Sunday Times on Sundays
84. Is no more than 5 years older than I am
85. Is definitely not younger than I am
86. Reads books at least sometimes
87. Is not sanctimonious
88. Never criticises my body shape or suggests I should lose weight
89. No weird relationships with exes.
90. No lisps or inabilities to say the word “r” or spitting when they speak
91. Understands the importance of handwashing
92. Housebroken
93. Understands that pregnant women are FREAKY and thus I will probably never want to do that.
94. No excessive flatulence
95. Will nobly clear up cat puke if I am having a really bad day and the cat is sick at the end of it (which he inevitably is. Nervy creature.)
96. Under no circumstances to ever say what I should and shouldn't not wear. Or make disparaging remarks about any of my clothes.
97. Does not enjoy fishing or golf as pastimes
98. Full head of hair (or ability to grow it)
Me? Picky? Never!
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