Greetings all-

I really need your help. I will try to be as clear as I can...

A little over a year ago, my best friend (a guy) of over 11 years started seeing this girl. I liked her, he was happy, we hung out a couple of times (we live a few hours apart) and I gave her a Christmas present, from London, because we both lived there and I hoped to forge a bond. I've since invited her places, tried to make plans with them, but I got the cold shoulder. I figured "honeymoon phase" and left it alone.

Then she moved in with him last December. She still doesn't have a job, which is putting a giant financial strain on them and thus their relationship (she sits at home all day, and she's already the obsessive type). She bullied one of his other friends out of his life, and, this past week, she launched into her campaign to get rid of me.

I ignored it at first. It all started when I disagreed with her on a mutual friend's blog, so I thought if I apologized (which I did) then remained silent, she'd leave me alone. A barrage of messages later, I begin to get upset. There's a great deal about her I don't like, mostly due to my best friend complaining about her everytime I get on the phone with him, so my image of her (don't know her that well, haven't seen him since March, even though I have come into town every month and attempted to see BOTH of them, but they cancelled - best friend maintains that he wants to hang out with me alone, but I've petitioned for her to join because I don't want her to feel intimidated) is very negatively distorted. So this weekend, after the 5th "we need to work out any issues you may have with me" obnoxious email, I snapped. I am posting the reply, with details edited for privacy, next.

But the crux of the matter is that best friend calls. He's ****ed off at me because I have "betrayed his trust" by telling her things (I stayed purposefully vague; I could have raked him over the coals in terms of specific things he's said about her) that he said to me in confidence. I reminded him that he clearly told her about me being upset about him not taking my phone calls when she's around, as how else would she know that unless he told her. He said that was to assuage their argument, so I pointed out that what I said was to assuage my argument. I also ask him, since this was obviously bothering me enough for me to call him 3 times over the weekend to straighten this out, why he didn't call me back. He says: "I had a busy weekend." That, I feel is more of a betrayal of friendship - when you know your friend is having a horrible problem and getting upset and physically sick about it, and you ignore it. He knew I was getting more and more bent out of shape, yet he dismissed me with a "busy weekend." What kind of friend is that?

He's not speaking to me. We've been friends for such a long time, and I love the guy like the brother I've never had, but is it salvageable? Should I still care? Read my reply message below for details, but I'd appreciate all of your advice, whether or not it's what I want to hear.

Thanks.

Y-

Sorry that I haven't replied until now - I don't have a working internet connection at my home, and while I was able to read your messages, I didn't want to write a reply on my friends' couch. I also attempted to defer to Tristan before I wrote to you, which was futile.

First off, let me give you some credit. You don't know me very well, so, as a result, you wouldn't know what makes me angry. Therefore, you get a little leeway in that department. You, of course, are welcome to afford me the same credit, if you so choose.

I can't believe that this ridiculous maelstrom began over me say "try again" at your comment on a stupid MySpace blog. And your further attempts "...to be friendly, and to make things right here" (27 Jun 2007, 05:02 PM) I felt were condescending and unwarranted, as well as bordering on harassment.

But that's where I apply that credit I was talking about. How were you to know that I interpret "if someone doesn't have an appreciation for culture, art, etc... then they mostly likely won't like or appreciate [city]. If someone rails against diversity, they probably won't like [city.] If someone has a hatred of all things natural, they probably won't like [city]" (26 Jun 2007, 01:05 AM) to mean *therefore, someone who doesn't like diversity, culture, and art doesn't like [city].* It's a logical fallacy, and I felt it was a low blow - you're smarter than that, argue better. But again, you don't know me well enough to understand how I could get to that conclusion through logical reasoning. Also, swipes about my age and experience (the comment on the now deleted blog), snitty jabs at L and K (the now deleted blog), and knocks at people with my hair color (bulletins) I have also been willing to overlook, because they've probably been inadvertent.

But I'm willing to bet that you're smart and insecure enough to know what you're doing.

Look at what a flippant comment makes you say:

"I'm not going to deal with any hostility towards myself or my relationship with X from you" (27 Jun 2007, 04:45 PM).

"I am not going anywhere. X and I are very serious about each other, and we are in this for the long haul" (29 Jun 2007, 10:35 AM).

"X and I are living together, and have joined our lives together. Things are very different in both of our lives, than they were even a year ago. However, that is the way of things, and we can't be expected to apologize for that" (29 Jun 2007, 10:35 AM).

Now I'm threatening your relationship? Because of something I wrote on a blog, and then sent you an apology for (That the MySpace message status said you read, by the way. So I told X and got another angry letter - you saw the time and date stamp, so - glitch or lie, you tell me)? Then you insist on an onslaught of messages? As my friend Cee would say: "What're you playin' at, girl?"

A mountain out of a ****ing molehill.

But since you ****ed me off so nicely, then dragged X into it, I guess I can air out some issues - because if I don't stand up to you, I await the same fate as M_. I read what you wrote to her. Despite all the love you have for X, you were so quick to belittle and degrade their friendship, and now I feel that you're attempting to do the same to me. I don't think he'd do that to you - why do you do this? Why did you issue X an ultimatum, "her or me?" I believe the statement "If I wanted [M] out of X's life I would have done so a long time ago" alarmed me the most, especially in terms of how you see you and X's relationship. Before you assume, X forwarded me the messages so that I could know the "whole story."

Oh, and for the record, I've been friends with X for over 11 years, and I've survived several girlfriends - it might behoove you not to make me into your enemy. That, as you so condescendingly say, is the way of things.

So thus, the M thing is when I decided I wasn't too fond of you. Of course, it doesn't help that EVERY TIME I speak to X (unless you're in the vicinity) he tells me how you've ****ed him off again. And again and again. That's the image of you I'm getting, do you realize? So imagine the opinion of you that I've developed. Then I get walloped with this barrage of messages, and now my politeness platter towards you has expired.

And just for future reference, attempts at friendliness would be reciprocating such gestures as inviting me out like I do you two (I even try to do it in groups so you won't feel intimidated! Why am I bending over backwards for you when you do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in the way of trying to be my friend? Oh, that's right, you commented on a couple of my blogs. My bad.), inviting me over when I am in town instead brushing me off, saying thank you for Christmas gifts and invitations to a trip to London, and not cancelling when I suggest we all do something, but hey, the power of suggestion must elude both you and X in terms of friendly decorum.

But the rub, m'dear, is that I don't care much about what I think of you. This incident has given me a great dose of perspective - It's not YOU at all. Please believe that - any opinion and dislike I have of you is conjured directly by the words "your man" says to me. He will not tell his girlfriend how he feels about her for fear of losing her. He will not take his best friend's calls for fears of upsetting his girlfriend. The girlfriend, being of the obsessive type, the insecure sort - starts to worry to the point that, upon the appearance of a STUPID MYSPACE BLOG COMMENT about [a city] she defends her RELATIONSHIP with the ferocity of a Wolverine.

Look at yourself. Dude, chill out.

The nasty stuff you said to M_? Born of insecurity. This whole "I don't want us to have any issues" (27 Jun 2007, 04:45 PM)? Same thing. The only thing that irked me about you AT ALL, before any of this, is that you won't take just a menial job until you find the one you want, which would help X out so much. You know him - he's got a girlfriend, and he wants to buy her things and take her out and show her off, have fun - but he can't because he's ****-*** broke. And you're not treating him with equal respect by refusing to help out financially. That ticks me off. I know it's an issue for you and I wish you would just do that one small thing, as it would help both of you out.

Why is this ***** (me) giving relationship advice to you? Because I know you two were so happy. (Don't tell me everything is rainbows now; I know different.) But now you've turned obsessive and scared and he's become tired and irritated. And you're both taking it out on me, in your own bizarre ways.

I was just here to listen, but now you want me to speak?

All right, I spoke.

So BOTH of you - as you both have a copy of this - leave me OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP. When it functions to the point where you have retained her confidence and X has regained his spine, then by all means, I will be happy to rebuild a friendship that I was very positive about - make that two. I still feel like this is a salvageable thing, because I care for both of you, especially your happiness together.

I was nothing but positive (I called from ****ing ITALY to see how your first meeting went, and I was supportive of that meeting... I've bought you a meal, I invite you to everything so you won't feel left out or jealous, as I know how that can feel - You're the one being the ice queen here... Or maybe X doesn't want us to get to know each other, or maybe both of you don't give a **** about me... It doesn't matter anymore) about you two's relationship, and now I get harping messages insisting that I have an "attitude." Because I disagreed with your comment on B_'s blog. Right.

When you both decide to make an attempt at an honest, sincere relationship where you both communicate like adults to one another, then feel free to call me @ ###.###.####. The MySpace line has been officially blocked. I prefer future communication to be person to person; the written word can be so fickle, don't you think?

Your call-
-----

PS: I work during the day, so if I don't answer your call, please leave a message if you want me to call you back, because I won't recognize your number.

I think you handled it well.
If you give him some time to think about it I'm sure he'll come around.

i think it is very big of you to make such an effort with her, but you probably could've left out the parts about her getting a job and stuff. their financial situation isn't really any of your business. also, by telling her that her boyfriend is coming to you with complaints about her is probably just adding fuel to the fire. i doubt that was a good idea.

i've been on both ends of this. i've been the female friend and i've been the girlfriend.

but from a girlfriend's point of view, either she wants to be friends with you or she doesn't. no matter how much effort you make, it probably won't change. my boyfriend has female friends that i absolutely HATE and would never want to be friends with, and he has female friends that i've become so close with that i don't know what i'd do without them. but it all came naturally - i knew within hours of meeting these people how it would be with us. i just don't think anything good will come of this if you two have already gotten off to such a rocky start.

Thank you, thank you thank you