yeah.
i've been with my bf for 3 years. i've known for the past year thats its going nowhere, but have tried to pretend that everythings fine. he thinks everythings fine. he doesn't really have anyone apart from me, his friends live far far away and he lives with his parents in the middle of nowhere. he's stuck in a dead end job, has no confidence and has some issues. he suffered a mental breakdown a few years ago. i'm terrified that if/when I split up with him (I've tried so many times but I wuss out every time when I see how upset he gets by me just trying to have one of those 'we need to talk' conversations) he will just get depressed again, maybe worse, and he'll never get out of this situation. i get the impression over the past few years that he's been relying on me to get him out of his current situation, e.g. by moving away once i complete uni. i know if i leave him he'll just stay like this forever.
he's absolutely, deeply, in love with me and he can't see that i'm not with him. i do love him, i'm just not in love with him, definitely not romantically in love with him anymore.
i probably would have just gone in this relationship for longer but i've kinda fallen for my best friend (ohhh yeah it gets sticky). i couldn't possibly tell him that this is the ultimate reason for leaving him, it would absolutely destroy him. he's honestly better off not knowing about it.
i've just been thinking for so long about doing this but the guilt factor has stopped me. i honestly don't know how i'm going to cope with the knowledge that i've buggered up someones world. i know i've got to think of myself but i've never had to do this before. i've stopped eating, i'm drinking heavily because all the fucking time i'm feeling so sick at the thought.
please help. i don't know how on earth i'm going to do this.

I was in a similar situation to you, my ex hadn't gone to uni when the rest of us had and so didn't really have anyone around him in terms of friends. It sounds like you are doing yourself serious damage, and I know you know that it's only going to get worse unless you end the relationship. It IS hard, and you WILL feel crap at first, and maybe guilty, but there is literally no other way to change your situation. You can't just live in limbo, hoping one day maybe he'll change, or you'll fall back in love with him. There's no easy way to end a long term relationship, and the only way I can see that might ease it a little is if you suggest going on a break first. At least then you could both think over the relationship, maybe you'll realise you do still have feelings for him, although its more likely you'll be happier without him. I was in exactly the same situation, and in the end I got with my best friend, and I'm really happy
Just....be proactive and strong and end the relationship.

that was exactly what I wanted to hear, thank you. I just need some reassurance on this from people in similar situations. Its alright for all of my friends and my family to tell me to dump him but they don't really know what its like.
I thought of the going on a break thing but I don't think I could lie to him like that, because i'm 99% sure I would not want to get back with him after a break.

yeah, to be fair it is a cowardly way out and it's probably better to just get a clean break, but honestly, i know exactly how hard that is to do, it took me about six months to do it, but in the end me and my ex have stayed really good friends, which i suppose is really lucky. Just be honest and tell him that you don't think its working, and that you have grown apart....the horribleness will last...half an hour maybe? But it will just get better from that point, and you can look forward to making your life better

i hope so.
god i hope he doesn't guilt trip me afterwards. i really will not be needing that.

Don't go on a break. "Breaks" are bullshit. Either you're together or you're not. That's almost like giving him false hope that you might get back together with him, when in reality you won't. Just make a clean break and do it as quickly as possible. There will be no easy way to do it, and you will feel bad about it. That's inevitable. But if you know a breakup is coming then you HAVE to get it over with. Prolonging the inevitable only makes it worse.

It's not your responsibility to worry about his happiness or his life situation. It sounds harsh but it's not your problem. If he's gonna be depressed then so be it. He has to figure out his life himself. You have to do what makes YOU happy.

i think you just have to be really honest and straight up. yeah you will hurt him but it will be the best approach in the long run, you'll hurt them more if you string them along and jerk them about. at the end of the day, you can't be responsible for their reactions/hurt, you just have to take care of/do what's right for yourself.

__________________

it's not going to destroy anyone. don't feel guilty.
relationships are learning experiences for everyone.
maybe 10 yrs later you will get back together? maybe not.
who knows?!! good luck.

i agree with everyone else.
you have to do what's right for you. it's normal for you to be concerned about his reaction and wellbeing, but you can't let that make your decision for you.

your happiness should be your first priority.
good luck.

As I've said in other posts, I left my husband of 10 years for a friend who I was in love with. The hardest things I've ever had to do was telling my husband that I had fallen out of love with him and things were finished. He cried, begged and promised me the earth, but it was too little, too late and I'd made up my mind. He threatened suicide and even tried to turn my children against me.

No matter what your soon to be ex throws at you, do things for yourself, he will feel like shit and so will you, but he will get over it and one day you will realise that you made the best decision. Don't sacrifice your happiness.

About 8 months after we'd split and I was still with my 'friend' I had a long chat with my ex and very nearly got back with him. I was on the verge of finishing things with my partner (the friend originally) when I realised that it wasn't what I wanted, just what my ex, my children and my family wanted. I told my ex that we didn't have any future together as I was in love with someone else and would never feel the same about him and he replied "but I can live with that". He might of been able to live with someone who didn't love him, but I can't live in a relationship like that. I'm still with my partner over 2 years on and we have a child together. My marriage had no future and it would of ended at some point, the longer you leave it the harder it gets.

Good luck

oh mate.
from what you've posted before and from what i've read on livejournal (which i won't go into cos i dunno if you want it posted here ) i know you've been unhappy with the relationship for a while. obviously you love him and don't want him to be hurt, but you can't go on like this. youll feel horrible and guilty and sad, but you know you're going to have to do it eventually. it's better to do it now rather than dragging it out which will hurt both of you more. you can't be held responsible for his happiness and what he does with his life - he has to do that for himself. your happiness should be the most important thing and you're so not happy at the moment. good luck

ffs. he can't see me until friday now, i really didn't want to have to string it out much longer, i feel like i'm just going to snap and tell him over the phone

Don't, I know it's tempting but just avoid too much contact with him till then so he doesn't get suspious and you end up telling him over the phone. You loved him once, respect him enough to tell him to his face.

I swear he must be reading kr, i haven't talked about this with anyone and he's just called me asking to come round because "he just knows" that somethings wrong and that I need to talk to him.
oh fuck.
i'm so scared.
i desperately don't want to hurt him.
and i really hope liverpool win tonight so he might be a bit happier about it all.

be honest with everything you say. do not hinder to say something because you think it will hurt him, if he finds out the truth later it will hurt him so much more that you were not honest with him in the first place. the best thing anyone ever told me was that people come in and out of our lives and we learn from them and they learn from us and when there is nothing left to learn that is when we should leave. eh i dont know if that makes much sense written out but it does in my head.

i hope you both get some happy

xx

you already waited too long. don't waste your life with someone you don't love just because you don't want to hurt his feelings. do what's right for you.

I'd say just do it. If you know it's going to hurt him a lot, you may as well do it before he gets even more latched on- for example if you push this off for another year or two. Let him know now, and just be honest with him.

that was honestly the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
he wouldn't even look at or talk to me. he just walked off. i'm really worried now, i left him in the middle of this like, forest.
man i feel like a massive bitch.

I once dumped someone I didn't love... and I swear, not only did it make me much happier but him as well. Trust me, in the end it will be better for him too because very few people are that insensitive they won't notice it when their partners don't love 'em anymore. I bet the whole situation is making him miserable too and he just doesn't know it...

Good luck