Her dirty blonde hair, steel blue eyes...rainy day neon cyan...her perfect pink lips that let gaurded secrets slip by...how small her body is curved with delicate softness.
her name is Dawn but over the past ten years or so I began to write about her as Sunrise. i met her in seventh grade.
i noticed her instantly and was turned on like an organic switch. she forged my subconscious love-cycle permanently.
of course, i usually am, an awkward arrogant fuck.
i aggresively demanded her atention from the start and would and could never accept never.
I could also make her grin a certain way, a grin she reserves just for me.
her eyes lock onto mine while she does it.
my sweet angel...my soft edge of emotional reality existing just for me.

she would tell me to 'fuck off' and I drew a picture of me cutting her up with a chainsaw. She would say 'Leave me alone Dan! You are so gross!'.
and I would reply: 'Dawn, I'd kick you in the cunt but I dont wanna loose my shoe.'
'Fuck you, Dan.'
'Fuck me, Dawn'.
..Etc...etc...
Point is, during our public arguements, -many of which i was punnished for in school and out by being grounded-I was being thrashed by my desire and devistated by the rejection and a glutton for this angel that grinned at me a certain way.

Dreams of her always renew my faith in dreams at all.

In school, sometimes I would temporarily give up and then she seemed to seek me out.
"Dan! where have you been?!" she called out after science class.
"...Hi Dawn," I said casually.
"I missed you!" Dawn explained with a big happy grin and approached me.
Suddenly then - I accepted her warm, affectionate hug...Tightly around me and felt connected with my soul.
Then I was back in the hole.
I began to pursue her again for hugs at any chance.
The first few times she accepted...then i began to piss her off again and we were back to the in-class arguements.
on and off...sometimes she waved to me...soemtimes gave me the middle finger.
this was the girl i wanted to make love to...the rest of my life...i wanted every sassy, grinning, preppy, bitchy, sexy, cute, sarcastic molecule of her being as mine...perfectly happy with noone else.

I had a dream before my first quarter at college...The dream of her was warm like the sun. Then I see her there in reality...Now in college we began the cycle all over again.
one week she reported me to the dean...the next she shared her chocolate chip cookie with me as we walked together through the campus art museum.
One day in the caffeteria i noticed her sucking on a lollipop...before she saw me approach, I snatched it from her hand and put it in my mouth.
her expression was absolutely priceless...the grin of hers times ten.
god i wanted to kiss her and hold her and connect with her.
we went our sperate ways again and college ended. years went by.

out of nowhere i dream of her again.
a few days later i see her tending a bar i sometimes go to downtown.
we talk, again try to pursuade her to go out with me, but she insists on this boyfriend of hers and reminds me about the picture i drew of her being cut up with a chinsaw (the reason we never 'hung out' back in the day).
next time i went to the bar, I was 'banned'.

ironically, this was about the same time i was being banned here and i was really pissed off...Dawn...Kittyradio...etc.
other things in life kept me from going ape shit. thank god.

Dawn, honey. Im sorry my passion got so twisted in nonsense and defensive fustration...i know in some perfect reality i said or did the right thing for us to be together.
in this reality its all a lonely trauma with a few stars that shine brightly but are too far to obtain.

last night i had a dream of sunrise.
Dawn was in my dream and i always know because my dream will be vivid and there she will be, sometimes with her smile but always with her warmth.
She was wearing a scarf and for some reason i asked her for it...I think I just wanted something to have of hers with her scent.
Dawn gave me her scarf instantly and to my surprise it had a component that took batteries. that was weird. a scarf thats battery operated...
Anways, Dawn looked wonderful as usual.

Tonight I went to the bar and saw her again in reality for the first time in almost a year and with her sassy grin she tried to say I was still banned...'How did you get in here?'.
I am hypnotized by her cool bluish grey eyes and that sweet smile.
"Why AM i banned for here, anyway?" i ask
She mentioned the picuture i drew of her and the chainsaw...
Oh. That.
I stared right into her, seeing the dream...demanding attention without words anymore, sending a shockwave to her mental frequency to let her know i will not have years of self torture to hold her again be taken lightly.
After all, i do believe it could have killed me.
There is nobody else that can love her so unconditionally and forever based completely on a smile and a dream.
"Are you going you serve me a drink or not?" I asked.

She sighed and asked what I wanted to drink.

it was good to see you again, angel.
everytime i see you i know its you i love to dream about.

4/20

well. i have no idea if that's fiction or not.
and if it is, you write sortof well.
and if it's not, i hope you get her in the end.

i will definately let you know. (Work In Progress)