i've been thinking about relationships and that and I've come to the conclusion that i won't have time for them when I become a nurse anyway (is this me avoiding the issue?). i want to travel and work in the third world and I just don't think they'll be time for relationships and family. i am fine by myself now and a lot happier NOT in a relationship. i just hope it stays that way. i don't want to wake up one day thinking i wish i'd got married and had kids. but i guess that's just a risk i'll have to take because unless someone bowls me over it's not gonna happen.

i think i see being in a relationship as a sign of weakness and i've worked so hard to get myself to a place where i don't rely on anyone, i don't know if there's any going back. it's a real shame because the guy I'm seeing right now is such a lovely boy. he knows how i feel about things. it's just that the idea of someone needing me just makes me think they're pathetic (it makes me almost despise them) and i don't want that. i don't know how my head got so screwed up but i don't think it's gonna change. i'm so focused on making a difference in the world that i can't see myself doing anything else. and that's without all the sex stuff - i just can't handle doing it. i keep thinking, it'll be fine, just enjoy it but the last two times i did i felt so worthless and racked with self hatred afterwards and both times the guy really liked me. i even made myself sick once, i just can't do it. the guy I'm with right now doesn't even care about that, he just wants to be with me but i just don't feel for him like that. it's like i can't feel that for anyone anymore.

anyone else ever felt numb to being that close to anyone? i'm so close to my friends, they're really there for me but to be with someone, i genuinly can't do it.

I know what you mean.
I can't see myself in a relationship in the future. I also see it as a sign of weakness on my part because I don't like to rely on people. Which I know is wrong.

Obviously you don't want to be in a relationship now. So don't be in one. But you don't know what the future holds. I think a big part of it is finding the right person. The guy you're seeing now is definitely not the right person if he doesn't make you WANT to be in a relationship with him. Someday a guy might come into your life who actually makes you want to settle down. If it happens, it happens. There is no reason to plan so far ahead. Just take things one day at a time. You don't need to think about whether you will ever want to be in a relationship in the future.... like I said, if it happens it happens.

did someone in your life have a particularly dependent relationship? like a parent or something?

not really. I was with a guy for 4 years but I've always been independent.

and you want to be a nurse?

you know that's completly different - they don't want to be WITH me!

you might always feel that way. who knows. i don't think its a bad thing necessarily.
i don't believe in relationships. it's all prostitution to me. some girls get money some get affection or attention or whatever. it's all the same.
good luck with your nursing

I totally came in here to be smart and say I HOPE SO. But I'm not going to now.

Relationships aren't as fun as eating chocolate cake.

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I don't know what to say. lol ominious beginning to a post, i know.
i see where you're coming from, i've been there...spend most of my time...when i'm NOT in a relationship where you are, but then someone comes along, and there's little in this word tht is as strong as the happiness that comes with being with someone who you love.
One thing that is a pro, is that you're not one of those people despertely looking for love. that's heartbreaking and usually ends up with an adverse results.
i guess i would say, don't rule it out...let it come, if it does - be open to it. you dont have to do relationship or love any way but YOUR way...who said that either you or your partner has to be a cling-on. that thought makes me nauseous too!
and if it doesn't ... you seem like you're the kind of person who can derive pleasure from life anyway.

but, honestly, i hope you do find someone who makes you happy, you might not have to change your life for him at all...and it'd be one more facet of life to enjoy along with work and friendship.

I say don't worry about it or analyse it too much. It sounds like you're at a place in your life where you want to be on your own and you're happy and confident being on your own, which is awesome. just enjoy it! and if someone does come along who you want to be with, enjoy that when it happens as well