i've been thinking about relationships and that and I've come to the conclusion that i won't have time for them when I become a nurse anyway (is this me avoiding the issue?). i want to travel and work in the third world and I just don't think they'll be time for relationships and family. i am fine by myself now and a lot happier NOT in a relationship. i just hope it stays that way. i don't want to wake up one day thinking i wish i'd got married and had kids. but i guess that's just a risk i'll have to take because unless someone bowls me over it's not gonna happen.

i think i see being in a relationship as a sign of weakness and i've worked so hard to get myself to a place where i don't rely on anyone, i don't know if there's any going back. it's a real shame because the guy I'm seeing right now is such a lovely boy. he knows how i feel about things. it's just that the idea of someone needing me just makes me think they're pathetic (it makes me almost despise them) and i don't want that. i don't know how my head got so screwed up but i don't think it's gonna change. i'm so focused on making a difference in the world that i can't see myself doing anything else. and that's without all the sex stuff - i just can't handle doing it. i keep thinking, it'll be fine, just enjoy it but the last two times i did i felt so worthless and racked with self hatred afterwards and both times the guy really liked me. i even made myself sick once, i just can't do it. the guy I'm with right now doesn't even care about that, he just wants to be with me but i just don't feel for him like that. it's like i can't feel that for anyone anymore.

anyone else ever felt numb to being that close to anyone? i'm so close to my friends, they're really there for me but to be with someone, i genuinly can't do it.

I know what you mean.
I can't see myself in a relationship in the future. I also see it as a sign of weakness on my part because I don't like to rely on people. Which I know is wrong.

Obviously you don't want to be in a relationship now. So don't be in one. But you don't know what the future holds. I think a big part of it is finding the right person. The guy you're seeing now is definitely not the right person if he doesn't make you WANT to be in a relationship with him. Someday a guy might come into your life who actually makes you want to settle down. If it happens, it happens. There is no reason to plan so far ahead. Just take things one day at a time. You don't need to think about whether you will ever want to be in a relationship in the future.... like I said, if it happens it happens.

did someone in your life have a particularly dependent relationship? like a parent or something?

not really. I was with a guy for 4 years but I've always been independent.