I met this guy at a book reading about a year ago, he was one of the readers and yes, I will admit that I thought he was gay from the off set (it was a JT LeRoy reading...not wanting to start a debate here about whether all males that read JT LeRoy are gay, i mean i know that's not the case because my Dad reads 'his' work..anyway) We got on so well, i mean I have NEVER in my life connected with another person on that level *ever*. It was ridiculous, we were into the exact same thigs, the conversation flowed easily, one of these conversations included me asking directly "are you gay" he replied no. So, we meet up a few more times, away from the reading..going to gigs and such. The second time we meet, before I leave he's telling me how he wants me to stay the night with him, how it's destiny we met and how I am the most amazing person he's ever met in his life, how we should get married etc etc...however, on that same day, I was suggesting areas in go out and (we have the whole of london) we end up in a gay bar, that night he was going to a gay club. Now, at the time I did understand that alot of suport for his career (he's a model/actor) had been within the gay press 'Attitude' etc...so I was like fine, it's just networking or whatever and i'd had such a lovely time I didn't really want to think about anything else.
nearly every time we met up that summer we would go to a gay bar and he went to gay pride..but still he was using the "look, i'm really not gay line". Around this time, I realised, that actually I was falling in love with him and fast...I mean I actually felt like I wanted to dissolve into him (if that makes sense...my feelings were so intense) I told him that I kind of had feelings for him and that I needed to know where all this was heading. He told me that "I amazed him, I was like a ray of sunlight and everything I did amazed him and i was so special..blah blah blah, but that he couldn't be in a relationship at the moment"
I left it and continued the friend thing...then things got really intense again and we discussed him taking my virginity...i finally felt that I had found someone I wanted to lose it to and he was so pleased about it...seriously I've only ever seen people who win the lottery look so pleased with themselves then at the very last minute (yeah, i really do mean that ..he said he couldn't do it) I was *SO HURT* by that..not least because I had to listen to him talk about which actress he'd supposidly screwed the week before (I doubt that happened)....
Anyway, I tried to get over my feelings but they came back over Christmas, stronger than ever...probably not helped by the fact he said he wanted us to have a baby together!! I told him that I was totally and completely in love with him and it was causing too much pain to hide it any longer...and it was THEN he actually confessed to falling in love with a guy he'd met over the summer (I used to joke with him about it at the time) but that nothing at all happened between them and he wasn't gay...THAT was what it took to make me finally, finally wake up and see sense. We spoke once on the phone after that. An awkward, stilted conversation, but he said we should talk about it. it was clear that our relationship dynamtic had now changed. I asked him questions (about various men) he answered them, even then he asked me to come up and spend the weekend with him. I said would he not feel odd about me sleeping in his bed and he said no.

Then we just didn't speak anymore. I've not spoken to him or seen him since I told him in January..and i've tried so *HARD* to bury the whole thing and to forget him because emotionally he dragged me through the mill and i still cry about it. Then sometimes i'll hear a song or remember stuff, or see a photo of him in a magazine and the whole thing floods back to me...so, i was thinking is it better to have some contact than none at all??

woa that sounds intense and he sounds like he's really confused. to be honest i'd say it's probably best to have no contact, it would be easier in the long run.

yeah, i guess you're right. I suppose it's because i still have a lot of feelings that i haven't worked through..i mean i've actually thought about talking to someone (like a Counsellor) just because it really fucked me up and has stopped me dating other people.

that's harsh, it's so unfair for someone to do that to you, no one should make you feel like that, so i still think it would be best to stay away from him.

Yeah, you're right. I *know* you're right, it'll fade it time i hope.