Anyone else afraid of long-term commitment?

I was married for four years and after that debacle, I can't even guarantee my current boyfriend I want to be with him a year from now. We live together, but even that was a huge leap for me. I know I'll never get married again, but he jokes about it every once and awhile so I know he thinks about it. I feel pretty bad for him...since that's something I'll never do again. I've told him that, but you can't stop people from wanting certain things.

Anyway, who else here gets their stomach in knots when they even think about marriage, kids, engagements, etc.?

Yeah me.

Im in the same position as you, although i wasnt married but i lived with the guy for 4 years - about 2 of which turned into emotional abuse and severe unhappiness and depression. Now i think i relate long term relationships with that kind of unhappiness - i know its silly and that not all relationships are like that. But im so happy on my own, so i dont see why i should leap into that big scary area again.

You shouldnt feel bad for your current bf, you've been straight with him from the start about not wanting to get married, im sure if he wasnt happy with that he would have told you.

I used to have it.
Fear of getting hurt = fear of commitment.
thts wht it was with me anyway.
'Till I met my current boyfriend.
But even now it still creeps up every now and then and if anything breaks us up I'm sure that will be it.
Time will probably heal you. And remember that ou can't hold your boyfriend responsible for the past.
xx

Never say never is what I say. Dont think at all, full stop! If some natural progression happens in a relationship dont think, "oh I promised my self Id never," ,you might end up regretting not giving something ago while you had the chance. Having something not work out, you can always leave it, but the pain can be just as bad when faced with regret at not going for it. Worst thing you could do is think about it too much, co-habitation is in vogue anyway, lol.

i have a fear of being forced into a static kind of relationship / life... i enjoy moving around alot , and living with a free and unrestricted life style,i dont stick to the same social circles, i enjoy that freedom - i feel thta marriage will kinda ruin thta - i kinda plan not to get married if i can help it, but im sure the beast will catch me in the end

I have a terrible case of that! When I first started going out with my boyfriend, I dated him a week then dumped him because I panicked about being in a relationship. I conceded defeat and got back together with him a few days later but I refused to let him tell ANYONE we were in a relationship (including our three housemates and entire social circle) -I only told them three months down the line (they were mostly rather annoyed). I refuse to book anything more then a month in advance because this little voice says "If you sign up to that you are trapped with him until period x!!!" Heck, it took me a year and a half to commit to a 12 month PHONE contract, so I think marriage will always be out of the question. As for children, the idea terrifies me....

I was in a long term relationship & that finished terribly, and since then i've had one other boyfriend & although he was really nice I was scared of what it would be like a year from now. I get myself involved with boys all the time, but end up just using them. I didn't even realise I was doing it until my recent ex boyfriend told me. I would make the worst wife in the world. I don't want to get married, but at the same time I think it would be quite nice?

I dunno, I'm too young to be thinking about it anyway.

I am trying very hard to turn myself into a committment-phobe. My last long-term-relationship was hell in a handbasket, and ever since then it seems like everyone who comes my way is afraid of anything reseambling committment. I secretly want another relationship, but I've been happier than ever single this year. And lonlier than ever.

I forgot how much I love your posts... you sound like me!

Are you really from Limerick? as in stab city?

i'm not afraid, more just.. not intersted.

after wasting 6 years in a dead end, high-needs relationshp, i really have zero desire to be the sole support system for another human being.

The loneliness is the only thing that I fear of being single. That, and the fact that I'd be living by myself. I've never lived completely by myself before...I lived with my parents, then my mom, then my husband, and now my current boyfriend. So if I we did break up, I'd hope to move in with a friend (non-male, just so there wouldn't be worries of a relationship popping up) at least for awhile, to transition into being on my own.

But it's not like I have to think about any of this kind of stuff now. My boyfriend and I are really happy right now, I just can't guarantee him a lifetime or even more than a year. I feel like a really shitty girlfriend for that. And I know it's mostly because of how horrible my marriage was, but it's what I have to deal with. I just hope, if we do end up staying together for long, that the marriage thing doesn't fuck everything up. Because I KNOW marriage isn't in the cards for me...if not ever, at least not for another decade. I'm in my early twenties...I got married when I was fucking 18. I've really never lived the un-married life.

Plus, I don't really see the point of marriage. It both scares and depresses me. I mean, I don't see why a relationship needs to eventually get to that point. The only real reason I can think of that I'd ever want to marry for is if we had a kid together, that way if I died I'd make sure he got the kid and the kid didn't end up in some shitty relative's hands or adoption processes. But I don't want to have kids, so that doesn't matter to me anyway.

Sheesh, I'm rambling a LOT tonight.

In my opinion it's perfectly healthy to not want to " jump" into another long term "commitment" as such. I mean four years in a marriage is a long time.

been there done that. and when, it doesn't work out after that long. I dunno It just does something to your self esteem. I know I personally blamed myself for alot of my prior marriage failings but it takes two to tango. and I finally came to terms that WE just weren't compatible. and I guess it's maybe that fear of possible failure yet again and not to mention all the time and energy you have to put into long term things.

when it fails it's like a big gunshot to the head kinda :/

but, I've moved on since then and am married again. and this time it's gonna last. It even felt different with him ya know? just like it felt more real. Like I could feel the connection all through me.

but anyway.

I want it.
But it scares the shit out of me.

I think about how bad nearly all of my previous relationships have been, and that all of them ended badly. So that reminds me of how much pain I've experienced because of those things.
And I see how bad things have been between my parents. On the 16th of this month they'll have been married for 25 years. My dad's kinda excited, cause it's a long time & nobody thought that they'd make it this far. My mum's miserable, cause it's quarter of a century of being miserable & putting up with his shit.

There's so many reasons for me to want to just declare celibacy and find fulfillment in my life through other avenues.
But then I remember the (very few) good times, or see how happy people I know in good relationships are, and I feel miserable because I'm alone and nobody loves me...

No.

Offically i don't have a fear of commitment.

It's well hidden behind my love for the long distance relationship ...

Yeah ive been in that place for the past 3 or 4 years... im coming round to the idea of a relationship again but mostly cuz im bored.

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and we live together, but the thought of having kids really scares me, because the way I see it you can walk away from a marriage, but you I couldn't walk away with kids involved. I'm not so much scared of marriage, butI don't want it for a long time, especially in this instance because there have been alot of lies and deceit on his part, and I would have to completely trust someone before I could marry them. I need to regain a sense of my own identity (which I have lost a little) before I could marry anyone. It's not so much a fear, it's more anxiety.