| How Do I Deal With This?
Ok, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I love him more than I can say. At the beginning of our realising we wanted to be together, he already had a girlfriend.
Let me explain that - she's 8 years younger than him and was planning a 6 month stint in Thailand teaching orphans or something before going to university in September 2005 in London (not where he lives or wanted to, but he was probably going to move with her). Things weren't working out for them (they'd been together a year), and he always thought that when she went away, they'd split up amicably. He suggested they split up before she left for Thailand, as although he loved her, he thought six months was a long time and she, being young and flighty and slutty, would find someone else. She thought about it, then gave him the "No, we'll stay together, I love you" thing.
She left. His work wouldn't give him time off to visit her in summer, so he quit, despite the fact he loved his job. He then couldn't afford to live in Edinburgh, and so had to leave all his friends and move up to the highlands where he's from with his parents and get his old job (which he hated) back. He left all this for her, and then she phoned him, broke up with him and told him there was some guy she wanted there instead.
She shagged three guys then called him back and said "I've made a mistake, take me back" and he did.
Me and him were sort-of friends at this point, not close, though, more acquaintences. I was in a play he wrote, so he came down to see it one night and told me they'd got back together, but he wasn't sure it was a good thing. He then said he considered the relationship over but that he ws going to do the decent thing and tell her face-to-face when he went over there. And also that he was having a party the next week I should go to.
I did, and we realised that night we were pretty much made for each other. We spoke for hours every day and sort of realised we loved each other, but nothing happened until after he came back from his holiday and had broken up with her. Then we got together.
I didn't mean the backstory to be so long. Sorry.
The thing is, she got back and just doesn't leave him alone. He moved back here to be with me and got a new job, and she moved to London. But she phones him a lot, and, unbeknownst to him I've sporadically checked his phone for messages from her, phonecalls etc. I know I shouldn't, but it bothers me so much that this girl is trying to get him back. I trust him, but I have this sick fascination with what the fuck she's doing...
Anyway, she sends him pictures of herself, she sends messages saying she loves him, she cries when he mentions me, and bitches about me a lot.
And he still likes her.
Every time she comes up to visit friends here, she asks him out to dinner. Now, you can go to dinner with friends, that's fine, but I feel it's a bit different when it's your ex, when you're with someone new and when they're trying to win you back.
I can't stand it, and he's getting really sick of having to justify his friendship with her to me. I trust that he won't do anything with her, but I hate her so much... I don't trust her at all. And he denies the fact that she wants him back, saying she's over him, and they're just friends. I know this isn't true - I've seen her messages - but I think he's trying to save me from worrying.
Anyway, I "legitimately" saw the photos the other week and "legitimately" flipped. He said he'd forgotten he had them, but anyway, after a huge fight, he said he'd talk to her and tell her not to contact him any more...
Still with me? My current situation is soon.
The next day she showed up at his work. He told her he couldn't talk but he'd phone her later. I asked if I could be there when they spoke, because I'm a distrustful person - if I was there, I could never justifiably doubt what he'd said to her. He said yes.
But he phoned from his work the next day, saying she'd phoned him to ask him out to dinner. He said he'd said no and that he wanted her to "bugger off and leave [him] alone for six months". I was pissed off that it was only six months, but it was a start. After this he made me feel bad about having made him do that. I asked why it was such a sacrifice and he said it wasn't her that was a sacrifice, but the principle he had of never letting his girlfriend tell him who he could be friends with. Fair enough.
We've had a nice couple of weeks, but something on Monday made me check his phone, and I wish to god I hadn't. I saw that the day they'd spoken, she'd texted him saying sorry for over-stepping the mark and that she just didn't want to lose him as a friend. Again, fair enough. But two days later, while I was away (coincidentally the night she wanted to have dinner with him?) she'd called him in the afternoon, then he'd called her at night, and then there was a missed call from her.
This freaked me out, but I rationalised and thought maybe she'd called, he'd answered, said he was at work, then phoned her back later to tell her to leave him alone. Then she'd phoned again and he'd ignored her.
I was upset but alright. The next day while I was thinking about this, his phone rang, he looked at it and sighed, put it back in his pocket. I asked what it was. He said "My ex-girlfriend". I said "Oh. When was the last time you spoke to her?" He looked incredulous and said "The time I told you about." Then he went off on one about how I had no trust in him and was second-guessing him. He said he'd email her and tell her to fuck off. He called her a stupid little bitch. I said he shouldn't contact her, as it was a response, and that was what she wanted. He said I was right. Later on that afternoon, he called. I asked if he'd found out why she was phoning. He said no, he'd just decided to leave it.
That night we argued some more. He told me my lack of trust and constant problems with it was more of a threat to our relationship than she was.
I told him something that had been on my mind for a few days - that I thought I was pregnant.
Later on, I looked at his phone again as he'd been so defensive, I was suspicious. And a nervous hormonal wreck about my potential child.
He'd phoned her back that morning.
Now this is killing me. I trusted him so much and he's lied to me. Small lies, I know, possibly, but lies. Why is he hiding this from me?
I need to talk to him about it tonight, but he'll go mental. I think he's so tired of me making her a problem that he's really taken all he's willing to. I think if I tell him I've checked his phone he'll take that as me not trusting him, and an invasion of privacy. Which it is, and I was wrong to do it. But he's lying to me. I just don't know how to approach it. I can't stand the thought of losing him, because... I've told the truth here as best I can, so maybe I'm coming across as the cunt, or maybe I've portrayed him as one, but I love him so much. He's my favourite person... I just don't know.
Anyone?
__________________ A guy in Dumfries had to replace his mother's sofa because he'd fucked it.
"Why did he have to replace it?" we wondered.
"Because he'd cut a hole in it." said Andrew, authoritively.
I ventured that I would just have gone at it between the cushions.
There's more than one way to fuck a couch. |
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