For Thanksgiving my bf and I went to Boston to meet his family. My bf's Haitian and I'm from Eastern Europe. He told me that the lady we were going to took care of his mother back in Haiti and saved her. This lady also has a daughter who is almost the same age with my bf. When we met them they all hugged and kissed each other and I was fine with that since I figured they met for the first time in years. But then, the younger lady touched my bf's head, too food from his plate and ate some, and when he put some lotion on his hands she touched his hands to see if his hands soften. I told him I didn't like it that they were touchy etc. and it bothered me. He said she is his cousin. So, I was confussed as to whether she and her family were friends of his or family because to begin with I understood that her mother took care of my bf's mom and they grew up together. I got upset and he asked her "Tell her, aren't we counsins?" Then I said something rude and my bf is still pissed saying that I disrespected his family.
I don't know if I overreacted. In my culture we aren't this touchy. We hug when we first meet and then talk etc. He, however, kissed her again in the morning. I don't know if I'm too insecure or what I just don't understand this kind of behavior. Do you think I overreacted?
EVen if I did I still felt left out prior to this incident. They all spoke in creole and I could only understand 5% of the convorsation. Then we went to some other lady house and that one gave me mean looks and they all starred at me as I was eating. I just tried to be nice and smiled but I felt uncomfortable. My bf drunk too much and didn't care to ask me how I felt. So, yes..If anyone can give me some guidance on how to deal with this, I will appreciate it.
Thank you
Luci_

I don't think you're overreacting. I'd have a problem with that too. And also I think it was very rude of your bf's family to speak in Creole most of the time and leave you out of the conversation.

ShyViolet, thank you for your reply. We spoke about getting married but I don't think it's worth it. I was supposed to dump him long time ago. This really made me realize that enough is enough. There are not even blood cousins from what I understand, so that's really not right to do.
She was telling me that she would like him to go to Haiti on December 31st when she's going but won't be mad with me if I didn't let him go. How wierd is that? I mean it's not like I control him and tell him where and when to go.
Anyways, thanks again. I'm glad you do not think I overreacted.

Yeah, don't ever, ever marry someone even when the relationship has SLIGHT problems. Get those problems sorted out before even thinking about marriage.

It does sound like you're being slightly irrational. Maybe because your family isn't affectionate doesn't mean that his can't be. And maybe that is acceptable, that you were annoyed at their proximity, but the language? What do you expect? What if you took him to your house? In his house they speak his language. So one person gave you a mean look? Oh well, you can't be expected to be liked by everyone in his family. God, I don't think I am liked by everyone in my own family.

I think you are being really sensitive. But then again, maybe all of this is coming from another place? I mean, if there are other problems in the relationship then good that you realize that.

In my family, we always speak Spanish and I cant expect them to change their behavior because I bring someone over. They will be as friendly and welcoming as possible, but with a family get together SPanish will be spoken and guess who is the outsider? You are. Not them. So who has to adapt?

I think saying something rude to her was overreacting. There was no need to be rude to her unless she was rude to you first -- and if they always acted like that and it was never flirting to her then I don't think that she thought she was being rude. Inconsiderate perhaps, but inconsiderate doesn't warrant a rude comments. Rude comments to SO's families are reserved for situations where they have been blatantly, obviously rude to you to the point that it doesn't matter if they think you're rude because you're not going to be spending anymore time with them. That was just one of those things where you should bring up that it makes you uncomfortable rationally and politely, which it sounds like you did to your boyfriend, but it's not her fault if he didn't care.

I do think it was rude of them to speak a language you don't understand most of the time -- unless, of course, there aren't any languages that all of you speak well. I probably wouldn't have stayed if I didn't understand any of what anyone said. To be honest, I wouldn't overanalyze it, though. I don't think anything unforgiveable happened. If you're not going to marry the guy, just don't spend any more time around his family.

Well, you see awful cherry, the reason I got so upset is because in the past a similar thing like this happened. My bf used to rent the same cab with this lady and one day I met her and her kids. One of her boys (around 6 yrs old or so) said that he saw my bf kissing his mother. Since then I never really trusted him. I posted about that here and people encouraged me to dump him but I also want to stay here and the only way to get my green card is if I marry him since he's a citizen.
So I looked at him kissing this lady in the light of whatever happened in the past. I never really said anything rude to her. It just my bf asked her in Creole "Isn't that true we are cousins?" And really I don't think they are. I think her mother just took care of my bf's mother, which makes them family friends and not cousins.Then he told her that I took the "wrong" way their closeness and I wanted to explained to her why I felt insecure. I wanted to tell her the incident with the other lady and called the other lady (whom he supposedly kissed before) a bitch. So, when I said the word "bitch" my bf started to yell saying that I shouldn't curse in front of his family. But really I didn't call his family any bad names.
There is nothing that I can take back now. All this shows that I really don't trust him. It's sad because I loved him and I also spent 3 years of my life with him and still didn't get my papers. I came here to be with him and this is what I get back. It is not easy to be away from my family so perhaps I just wanted to feel more welcome among his family/friends.
At one point she said to me that she wanted my bf to go to Haiti at the same time she's going but wouldn't be mad with me if I didn't let him go. I found this statement rather wierd. It's not that he has to ask my permission or anything. He's a free man. It's for New Year's eve that she's going and told him she was going to give a big party. Last year he worked for New Year's Eve and I was even thinking to go to New York by myself. I don't think it would be fair for him to go and leave me here but then again he can do whatever he wants.
What I really need to do is make more friends and perhaps I will feel less dependent on him.
Thanks for taking your time to respond.

Pablita, if he will ever come to meet my family, I'll make sure to translate for him whatever we are talking, make sure to ask him if he likes the food my mom gives him etc. He didn't really bothered with this. I do get your overall point though that is me who has to adapt.

I think people in general are expecting perfect relationships. Relationships aren´t perfect and always have slight "problems" or bigger ones, because people are different and we gotta learn that and tolerate that. If you expect a relationship to be perfect you´ll never gonna make one last. It´s good that you´re questioning if you overreacted, you probably did, maybe you should ask him to explain to you more things about his culture so you can accept it and understand it.

I totally disagree with you. If you invite a guest into your home, you're supposed to show them hospitality and accomodate them. You don't speak in a different language 95% of the time and exclude them from the conversation, and just ignore them. That's plain rude. If some members of your family don't speak english then that would be a different story... but if everyone speaks english but just chooses not to and ignores the guest, that is really bad manners. You should be considerate that there is another person there. How are they supposed to "adapt" if they don't speak the language and are just sitting there feeling left out?

i can understand where you're coming from luci_ because if the relatives were looking at me with the stink eye, i'd be really uncomfortable with them speaking a laguage i don't understand either. the touchy feely part would make me uncomfortable, but i'd probably just write it of as being a family thing and tell the bf later.