Ok, so how long can you date someone without knowing whether there is that spark or not? How long would you date someone if things were good on paper, but you're just not feeling the za-za-zu (to borrow an expression from Sex and the City)?

I'm especially curious to hear from people for whom it takes a bit longer.

On the second date, I was thinking of ways to get out of the third...but I am marrying him in 2008. It took a good few weeks to get used to him.

a month of dating.
Based on about 1-3 days of meeting a week.
If you're not sure you can always remain friends for a while and maybe one day you just suddenly get that spark. If it doesnt happen, oh well

ah yes... "good on paper".. the guy who, shares your interests, is sweet, funny...is everything you think you should date... but you don't feel the urge to jump his bones at every street corner??

Don't let the whole notion of "love/lust" at first sight worry you too much.
Think of it scientifically, while rarely do two elements spontaneously cause a reaction (some are very volatile...like some people and basically will attach themselves to any other element/person) most elements will react with each other...UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS...and once the reaction has occured, you can't do much to stop it.

So, spend SOME time trying to give yourselves a chance to feel a spark, talk about different things, do different activities...

I'm one of those, take a while to warm up people - all the results f not trusting anyone. So, i usually give most people some time before i make a judgement.

But DO trust yourself, and your own feelings, like it's been suggested here, about a month is sufficient, don't force someting that's not there.

I honestly feel that you should know whether there is chemistry there on the first date, or maybe the second. Either the chemistry is there or it isn't.

Ok... lets set a few things... straight?

I am dating a woman. She is the one who is not sure. There is definitely chemistry, but neither one of us seems to be on the crazy hormonal roller coaster that happens when you fall for someone. That doesn't bother me or present a barrier to us becoming exclusive/girlfriends. But she seems to want to keep things open until something else clicks. I don't know how much longer I am willing to wait before I cut my loses. Basically, I am trying to figure out if there are people who genuinely take a little longer for that feeling, or if I'm just being jerked around while she eats her cake and has it too. It's been 2 months, though in that time there have been 3 weeks of inactivity.

Bottom line, do I give it more time or do I walk? (As I said, I am more interested in coherent give-it-time arguments, since I am, thanks to an overactive sense of self-protection, perfectly capable of articulating the run-for-the-hills ones.)

You should feel it even before you date the person.

ok. i met my godihatetalkingaboutitcheesy soulmate, i can only like it to having an orgasm right;
you could have sex for 20 years and never have an orgasm and wonder what it is and if you've had one before.. then you do and -OH, i see!
yeah.

as for in the meantime dating, i just go along with it because i know it won't last.

Women don't have orgasms with men. They have them by themselves or with the aid of an appliance. Fact.

Wrong.. i am living proof, you just have to point them in the right direction

you really have to s p e l l i t o u t f o r t h e m

however yes, the first hundredorso are unlikely to be from a man

But I mean from straight forward penetration--nothing happens. And then they're done, and tired, and don't care about getting you off.

Can the penetration talk be in another thread? What about MY problems?

Anyway, the point is taken. When it's right, it's right. I agree. But do some people just take longer to get there and realize it's right?

Hello. I can offer little advice or personal experience, but just tonight a friend was telling me that his soul mate (who he isn't with now, btw) didn't attract him at first. In fact, he thought she was ugly and annoying. Over time he warmed up to her and a year into knowing each other he was crazy in love with her. For some people it does seem to be a long process. I would say give it a little more time.

lol sorry

yes but that's what hands are for - get in the right position & put his fingers where they should be - awesome. i've had to explain to guys before how to get a woman off, it would be awkward but then i think how happy the next one will be
Ladies need to take control!!!

apologies Lawyer Mclaw last one

If I was dating someone for two months and they still weren't sure about me, and still didn't want to consider it a proper relationship, I'd probably walk away. If she wanted to be with you, she should definitely know by now.

As a matter of fact I was in a very similar situation. I was dating this guy who I liked a lot. He seemed to like me a lot also, we totally acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, spent a ton of time together and everything was great, but he was totally scared of any mention of commitment or "labels" or 'relationship' talk. He wanted to keep it open to date other people. I totally got the feeling that he wanted to keep things open for someone better to come along. After three months of this bullshit I walked away, even though on the surface the relationship was great.

I suggest that you don't wait around much longer.

I dont think people take longer to feel the spark, if you're gonna feel it, you should feel it right away. Some people do however hope that even if they dont have the spark that they can still have a relationship... and a lot of girls (me included in the past) will go along with a relationship just because we want to have a partner at that particular time, and we hope that maybe love will "grow on us". It rarely does though :/

I can't. It doesn't work for me. I'm not going to spend time trying to get myself to like someone or being around someone because I might like them later. I might go on one date because I'm bored/horny, but if I don't feel sparks before the first date the thought of the second makes me nauseous. Actually, I don't think I've ever been on a second date with a guy I didn't already know well and like a lot even before the first. The whole concept of dating people that you don't already like perplexes me. How could you possibly know who you *could* like? Are you supposed to just agree to go out with every attractive non-asshole person who asks you? It's horribly inefficient, and it's dreadful being alone with someone you don't like when you could be by yourself or with friends. I'm always friends first.

Yeah. It's a weird situation because we definitely like each other. We have great talks, similar interests/values, we laugh a lot... I think there is just a certain magnetism that might be lacking. It may very well be lacking for me too, I just find it hard to gage how strongly I feel about someone when I know they are seeing other people. There is something less intimate about intimacy... you know?

And in the last few days I met someone who is terrible on paper. TERRIBLE. (Not out to her mother who she lives with, a smoker - which I hate, younger etc etc...) But she's really into me and smoking hot and there's spark. And she is more open and I think that despite the (albeit big) obstacles, we communicate a lot better and have a better chance of working through them. We don't have the same intellectual connection though, and that has always been a must for me. And this woman is really not into the dating multiple people thing, so now WE're on hold because the first woman can't figure her shit out. I am so close to walking. I just feel like I need to make sure it's over so I wouldn't wonder.

With my current boyfriend I felt it straight away, before there was even a hint of us being together. Bear in mind this was when I was 16 and fancied pretty much everyone, but still. With my only other significant relationship, I knew I liked him straight away but it was only after about a week that I felt a real spark.