I need to see if I can get one for the school I may transfer -- app. $15k probably. I have no idea where the hell to start. I know for a fact that I don't qualify for need-based aid, or not enough to matter, do I still need to do the FAFSA and all? Where do I start checking? And how long does it take to know whether I'll get one?

FAFSA and phone the school to discuss with a loan counselor. Good luck!

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"Moderate intoxication includes additional abnormalities such as hyperactive bowel sounds,"

since you know you can't get one based on need, you can (and probably will have to) get a private student loan which will require a cosigner. this way you don't have to deal with the FAFSA or your school. places like astrive student loans can get you through the whole process in a matter of days if you do everything correctly.

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Can I do that if I'm not enrolled there yet? I need to know the amount of a loan I can get to know if I can even go there.