"Don't hate my father," Mackenzie Phillips tells PEOPLE.
But in a tell-all book out Wednesday, the former childhood actress reveals that her dad, musician John Phillips of the '60s band the Mamas and the Papas, engaged with her in a long-term incestuous relationship.
Phillips, 49, who has survived drug addiction, arrests and divorce, writes in the book High on Arrival that she was already a star playing a boy-crazy teen on the TV sitcom One Day at a Time when her father had sex with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler, a member of the Rolling Stones entourage, in 1979.
"On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it," writes Phillips, who was 19 and a heavy drug user at the time. "I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on Dad's bed."
Blackout
"My father was not a man with boundaries. He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.
"Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it. For a moment I was in my body, in that horrible truth, and then I slid back into a blackout."
Phillips' life began to spiral out of control. In 1980, she was fired from One Day at a Time because of her constant drug use. That same year, she went to rehab – with her father. She even toured with him in a band called the New Mamas and the Papas. Her sexual relationship with him had become consensual.
Delusional
"I was a fragment of a person, and my secret isolated me," she writes.
"One night Dad said, 'We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us. There are countries where this is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji.'
"He was completely delusional. No, I thought, we're going to hell for this."
That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.” - J. D. Salinger
- quite disgusting 
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